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Celibate is a choice not to have sex while there is a drive to have it. !sexuals don't feel a need/desire/drive to have sex.

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shadow_40x <[email protected]>

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Subject

[Haven for the Human Amoeba] New one here

Date

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 02:44:36 -0000

Hi everyone..just joined. I'm a bit on the shy side, so please do not take it personally if I don't respond much. I suppose when I start to feel more comfortable here, then I will be able to post more. I am needing clarification on the difference between asexual and celibate.

Thanks, Shadow

Shadow,

Thanks for stepping outside of your comfort zone and posting a message so soon after joining. Thanks also for asking for the difference between asexuality and celibacy. That is an easy question that even I can answer.

Celibacy = The CHOICE to abstain from sexual intercourse.

Asexuality = The LACK of desire to engage in sexual intercourse.

In other words Celibates abstain by choice while asexuals never even feel the desire to engage in sexual intercourse. Asexuals DO NOT FEEL sexual attraction to the level of wanting to engage in sexual intercourse with others. Celibates have the ability to feel sexual attraction to the level of wanting to engage in sexual intercourse, but they CHOOSE not to act on that attraction.

I hope that helps clarify the difference between celibacy and asexuality.

Welcome to the Haven Shadow, we hope you will continue to feel comfortable enough to post and ask questions.

Staci

Hi everyone..just joined. I'm a bit on the shy side, so please do not take it personally if I don't respond much. I suppose when I start to feel more comfortable here, then I will be able to post more. I am needing clarification on the difference between asexual and celibate.

Thanks, Shadow

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/havenforthehumanamoeba http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Oregon-Asexuals

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Hi Nickie, Your self description is so close to mine it is unreal. I am also in the same business as you are. The difference is that you are 30 and I am 48 looking for the same thing.

Jen

Hello everyone,

I am looking for a partner, and I dream of a romantic, serious, loving relationship. Being asexual, that seems to be an impossible goal. It is extremely difficult to find other likeminded asexuals. But I still have hope.

I'm a 31 yo. female. My physical description is: Light brown hair, olive green eyes, tall, normal build. I don't smoke. I have many hobbies and interests, for instance pets, reading, computers, travelling, training (gym, jogging, swimming), plants, cars, animals etc. I am very flexible. So if it's important to you that we have common interests, then I'm sure we can find something we both like. I'm very cuddly and affectionate. So a relationship completely without physical contact is unthinkable for me. However I can of course adapt to a less affectionate partner. My other "inner qualities": Honest, kind, reliable, friendly, caring, supportive, serious, loyal, helpful, focused, straightforward. I appreciate if my partner has similar inner qualities. I currently work as a caretaker.

I found this site yesterday, and that made me very happy. Finally a site where I can find love! I've belonged to the Yahoo celibacy site for a long time, but the people there are not very interested in being with someone.:-(

My address is: andersson_320@... (Sometimes hotmail doesn't work. f you don't hear from me for a while, try mailing again).

I keep my fingers crossed that someone will write. Take care, Nickie.

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I lack the desire to engage in intercourse, which makes me asexual, under these definitions. I have sexual feelings, and I enjoy erotic pleasure as much as the next person. I once had the desire for intercourse, because I was always taught that intercourse was as close to dying and going to heaven as a person can get. But try as I might, I never felt the earth move with intercourse. Lastly, looking backward, I don't think I EVER felt the need for intercourse as most people do. Maybe intercourse is a spiritual thing for a lot of people? Dunno.

It has always been difficult for me to perform intercourse, because of little or no desire. But I have done it, and probably could do it if necessary. Especially, now that performance drugs are a big thing these days. It is my understanding that with viagra, cialis, etc., a guy can readily screw anybody at anytime. In the vagina and in the butt! So desire is not important with "better living through chemistry".

So I am also celibate because I choose not to screw also.

You said: "Asexuals DO NOT FEEL sexual attraction to the level of wanting to engage in sexual intercourse." Hmmm. I feel unaeasy about this statement because I DO feel sexual attraction. A woman's beauty appeals to me just as it does to any red-blooded male. I get turned on too. I feel and get "sexual attraction." I just don't get the desire to fuck. Nothing more and nothing less.

Please do not feel that I am criticising you. I do not intend to do that. I have said before that sexuality does not fit into perfect pigeon holes---at least it certainly does not for me. At the same time, definitions are valuable for at least a framework for discussion and understanding.

All who are new here. Welcome! The European woman, Nickie, you sound like a really "hot" woman who would be a great catch for all kinds of (you did not express a preference) men and women. Trust me, there are thousands of potential mates out there.

Thanks for the wonderful response you wrote. When I speak of sexual attraction, I define sexual attraction as the desire to engage in sexual intercourse. Sorry for any misunderstanding this may have caused.

The AVEN website (Asexuality.org) also defines sexual attraction as the desire to engage in sexual intercourse.

Staci

You said: "Asexuals DO NOT FEEL sexual attraction to the level of wanting to engage in sexual intercourse."

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/havenforthehumanamoeba http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Oregon-Asexuals

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To the Editor of NY Times: Re "Female Cases of H.I.V. Found Rising Worldwide" (news article, Nov. 24):

H.I.V. Risk for Women Published: November 28, 2004

Commercial sex and sexual violence are certainly critical to understanding the growing proportion of total H.I.V. cases that occur among women, but for most women in the world, their biggest risk of H.I.V. infection comes from having sex with their husbands.

It is a painful irony that married, heterosexual, procreative sex, which the Bush administration has worked so hard to set as the moral gold standard, is a death sentence for many women.

By telling women that monogamous sex is safe sex, we have contributed to the conspiracy of silence around marital H.I.V. risk. Unilateral monogamy is about as effective a tool for H.I.V. prevention as unilateral disarmament was for ending the cold war.

Jennifer S. Hirsch

I think there are different levels of asexuality, same as homosexuality. Some gay men like anal sex and some don't (giving or recieving) and some lesbians like to use penetrating objects in the bedroom and others are happy to be totally 'hands on', if you'll excuse the crude pun. My asexuality is where I enjoy talking about, making jokes about, and thinking about sex, but I can't bring myself to actually do it. Being touched by my boyfriends used to repulse me and no, I'm not lesbian. Haven't tried it; but you don't need to stand in the fire to know it's hot. I wasn't abused as a child, I've never been raped, nor watched a film or TV show that has affected my view of sex in a negative way. I just don't like it, it doesn't turn me on. Doesn't mean I'm never turned on, or that other people don't make me think "PHWOAR!!!" I just don't like sex. That's my two cents (pennies, I suppose as I'm English)

Justina,

Thanks for sharing information about your asexual experiences. I think it is very important for asexuals who have not suffered trumatic experiences to share their orientation so that others can know just how diverse asexual oriented people really are in life.

Staci

I think there are different levels of asexuality, same as homosexuality. Some gay men like anal sex and some don't (giving or recieving) and some lesbians like to use penetrating objects in the bedroom and others are happy to be totally 'hands on', if you'll excuse the crude pun. My asexuality is where I enjoy talking about, making jokes about, and thinking about sex, but I can't bring myself to actually do it. Being touched by my boyfriends used to repulse me and no, I'm not lesbian. Haven't tried it; but you don't need to stand in the fire to know it's hot. I wasn't abused as a child, I've never been raped, nor watched a film or TV show that has affected my view of sex in a negative way. I just don't like it, it doesn't turn me on. Doesn't mean I'm never turned on, or that other people don't make me think "PHWOAR!!!" I just don't like sex. That's my two cents (pennies, I suppose as I'm English)

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/havenforthehumanamoeba http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Oregon-Asexuals

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I think I have only posted once or twice but been a member for a while and was the last post that 'got me' to post this. I, too have never been treated badly sexually nor have a been raped or molested. I have been married twice and both were sexual ppl and I always did it to please them. The act itself disgusts me. It is/has not been anyone I have been with. Even at the age if 11 or 12 when I had my first tongue kiss, I thought it was gross and still do. I do not see what the big deal about it, why most in this society 'need' to do it. I have been 'sex-free' as I call it for over 5 years now and never been happier. Sure, I would like to meet someone and I have dated but always ends the same. It always comes to sex. I have called 'defective', abnormal (What is wrong with you? and "if only you liked sex" and I always reply to this, "why is it always me that has to change?" and they reply "Not normal to not like it" and my reply is "normal for me") and I believed these for a while but this is who I am and always have been. I would rather be alone in the life partener sense then to ever go back to being uncomfortable doing something I don't wanna do all the time. Sorry nothing 'profound' to say, just my experience and wanted to say hi to everyone and glad to know I am not the only asexual as for a long time I thought I was then I sat and thought about this and I know no one is THAT unique and got on-line and started looking...

Amen! I always thought tongue kissing was gross, too. If I want tongue, I can grill up a slab of beef tongue, thank you... bleh

I want to have a hetero relationship, and I would like to be affectionate without sex. Is that so weird?

~K.

In a message dated 11/28/2004 9:54:47 PM Eastern Standard Time, "hatsandsoxqueen" <hatsandsoxqueen@...> writes:

I think I have only posted once or twice but been a member for a while and was the last post that 'got me' to post this. I, too have never been treated badly sexually nor have a been raped or molested. I have been married twice and both were sexual ppl and I always did it to please them. The act itself disgusts me. It is/has not been anyone I have been with. Even at the age if 11 or 12 when I had my first tongue kiss, I thought it was gross and still do. I do not see what the big deal about it, why most in this society 'need' to do it. I have been 'sex-free' as I call it for over 5 years now and never been happier. Sure, I would like to meet someone and I have dated but always ends the same. It always comes to sex. I have called 'defective', abnormal (What is wrong with you? and "if only you liked sex" and I always reply to this, "why is it always me that has to change?" and they reply "Not normal to not like it" and my reply is "normal for me") and I believed these for a while but this is who I am and always have been. I would rather be alone in the life partener sense then to ever go back to being uncomfortable doing something I don't wanna do all the time. Sorry nothing 'profound' to say, just my experience and wanted to say hi to everyone and glad to know I am not the only asexual as for a long time I thought I was then I sat and thought about this and I know no one is THAT unique and got on-line and started looking...

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Amen!&nbsp; I always thought tongue kissing was gross, too.&nbsp; If I want tongue, I can grill up a slab of beef tongue, thank you...&nbsp; bleh

I want to have a hetero relationship, and I would like to be affectionate without sex.&nbsp; Is that so weird?

~K.

In a message dated 11/28/2004 9:54:47 PM Eastern Standard Time, "hatsandsoxqueen" <hatsandsoxqueen@...> writes:

I think I have only posted once or twice but been a member for a >while and was the last post that 'got me' to post this.

I totally agree and I don't think it's wierd at all. I would love to find a male in his 50's who wants a relationship without sex (including tonguing and feeling around.) I'm open on the idea of marriage. > >I, too have never been treated badly sexually nor have a been raped >or molested. I

have been married twice and both were sexual ppl and >I always did it to please them. The act itself disgusts me. It >is/has not been anyone I have been with. Even at the age if 11 or 12 >when I had my first tongue kiss, I thought it was gross and still

do. I do not see what the big deal about it, why most in this >society 'need' to do it. I have been 'sex-free' as I call it for over 5 years now and never >been happier. Sure, I would like to meet someone and I have dated >but always ends the same. It always comes to sex. I have called 'defective', abnormal (What is wrong with you? and "if only >you liked sex" and I always reply to this, "why is it always me that >has to change?" and they reply "Not normal to not like it" and my >reply is "normal for me") and I believed these for a while but this >is who I am and always have been. I would rather be alone in the >life partener sense then to ever go back to being uncomfortable >doing something I don't wanna do all the time. Sorry nothing 'profound' to say, just my experience and wanted to >say hi to everyone and glad to know I am not the only asexual as for >a long time I thought I was then I sat and thought about this and I >know no one is THAT unique and got on-line and started looking... >

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I totally agree. I wish I could find a man in his 50's that either didn't want or could not have sex ( in the latter case I would want him accepting of that situation as I would not want to hear complaints about it.) I don't like tonguing or feeling around either. I don't think we are wierd at all. Who says we all have to be the same?

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Debbie and Staci, I was a married amoeba too. I never had any interest in sex. I wanted a family and I thought that once I did it I would like it. That didn't happen. I have been happily sex free for about eight years. I can't say I'm happily single. I remember going to a wedding in which I was the only adult without date or a spouse. The focus was all on couples. I had to walk outside for awhile as I was near tears. I would love a male my age (almost 50) who is either a) asexual b)handicapped or unable to have sex and has accepted that situation with good grace.( I don't want petting, tonguing or stripping for him.) or c) a gay man who plans to be celibate and would be less tempted with a female partner. ( I have a woman friend who haw a gay male friend and she says he is one of the best friends she's ever had.) I don't want to try to fool anyone or pretend we are having sex.( ie if we went to visit out of town friends we would request separate rooms.) I'm tired of always being the fifth wheel. Marriage is an optoin but not a great desire now. I'd just like to date with no sex now or ever. Are there any older men out there? I live in NY. Laura

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Can't find a 50-year-old who doesn't want sex? Try finding a male in his twenties who isn't interested in sex! XD

Luckily I don't need or want company.

Once again I feel I must comment that I think it is important for asexuals who have not suffered trumatic sexual experiences to share their stories, so that everyone can see the great diversity that is represented within the asexual community.

Thanks for sharing your asexual experiences with us, and also thanks for sharing how long you have been sexless. I myself have only been sexless for about 1 1/2 years now, I feel like a newbie, but when I read about experiences like your's it gives me a certain sense of confidence and normalcy in my own asexuality.

I too thought something was wrong with me when I was not enjoying sex as much as other sexuals seemed to be. Only in the past year and a half have I decided that enough was enough and I just stopped having sex. It felt great! I almost felt guilty about how great it felt to be sex free until I met up Online with other asexuals that had been sexual in the past. I feel like a large (stress-filled) burden has been permenantly removed from my life.

Staci

I think I have only posted once or twice but been a member for a while and was the last post that 'got me' to post this. I, too have never been treated badly sexually nor have a been raped or molested. I have been married twice and both were sexual ppl and I always did it to please them. The act itself disgusts me. It is/has not been anyone I have been with. Even at the age if 11 or 12 when I had my first tongue kiss, I thought it was gross and still do. I do not see what the big deal about it, why most in this society 'need' to do it. I have been 'sex-free' as I call it for over 5 years now and never been happier. Sure, I would like to meet someone and I have dated but always ends the same. It always comes to sex. I have called 'defective', abnormal (What is wrong with you? and "if only you liked sex" and I always reply to this, "why is it always me that has to change?" and they reply "Not normal to not like it" and my reply is "normal for me") and I believed these for a while but this is who I am and always have been. I would rather be alone in the life partener sense then to ever go back to being uncomfortable doing something I don't wanna do all the time. Sorry nothing 'profound' to say, just my experience and wanted to say hi to everyone and glad to know I am not the only asexual as for a long time I thought I was then I sat and thought about this and I know no one is THAT unique and got on-line and started looking...

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/havenforthehumanamoeba http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Oregon-Asexuals

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I'm a 39-year-old SWM looking for a thirtiesh woman for a life partnership/marriage situation. Ideally, I'd love to have a family, but I know that most asexuals aren't interested in that. My interests include music (listen to pop/classical and play piano), history, science, and current events. I'm agnostic and moderate: I'm a little right of center but know that most asexuals lean left. I enjoy nerdish things like sci-fi and Tolkien, British humor, and strategy games. I try to travel overseas every year or two. I currently live in the Pacific Northwest and am "stuck" here for awhile, but I'd like to live someplace sunny eventually. If you think we have some shared interests and are lonely (as I admit to being), write me at dastraube@....

Welcome to the Haven. Thanks for posting such a wonderful, detailed, introdution to the group. Best of luck to you in your efforts to find a happy, asexual, relationship/marriage.

Staci

I'm a 39-year-old SWM looking for a thirtiesh woman for a life partnership/marriage situation. Ideally, I'd love to have a family, but I know that most asexuals aren't interested in that. My interests include music (listen to pop/classical and play piano), history, science, and current events. I'm agnostic and moderate: I'm a little right of center but know that most asexuals lean left. I enjoy nerdish things like sci-fi and Tolkien, British humor, and strategy games. I try to travel overseas every year or two. I currently live in the Pacific Northwest and am "stuck" here for awhile, but I'd like to live someplace sunny eventually. If you think we have some shared interests and are lonely (as I admit to being), write me at dastraube@....

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/havenforthehumanamoeba http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Oregon-Asexuals

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Hi everyone, I thought I was strange for so long and must need therapy because I have no sexual desire and don't care to have it. I am with someone who knows nothing of this. It was such a relief to find out that there are other people out there who feel the same way. If anyone wants to write me or start a chat, I would love to speak with others who have the same feelings. Thanks for reading. :) Holly

To add my intro...

I am 26, SWF in the NY metro area. I enjoy sci-fi, British literature, the outdoors, boating, gardening, and I LOVE animals. I made a funny website describing myself, which I will be more than happy to share with those who email me privately.

I attended an all-girl high school, and back in the day my friends used to joke about me being asexual. I asked them how I was supposed to reproduce, and they suggested I sprout buds - analogous to other asexual organisms, I suppose.

Relationships for me always seem to end when I tell them that I'm not interested in having sex anymore. I want to get married, I want a life partner, and I would like to have kids. I am willing to have sex for reproduction purposes. Then it's okay because there is a purpose in it other than one-sided pleasure... I don't really enjoy having sex, mostly because I've discovered that I'm pretty much frigid. :-( I used to think it was sad, but then one day I decided to search the web (since you can find *anything* on the internet) to see if there were other folks with my similar disinterest.

So that's me (kinda).

Please tell me a good tome to get online and chat with others. I need to speak with people like me. Thanks, Holly

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Kweenk,

Frigid is a term coined by sexuals and infers that someone with a low or non-existant sex drive is somehow broken. I too fell ploy to that sad little trap, but have since come to realize that as an asexual, I am not broken. And neither are you. I hope you find someone to share a platonic marriage. Failing that, don't give up on the hope of having children. There are other ways to do so beyond the old fashioned way.

To add my intro...

I am 26, SWF in the NY metro area. I enjoy sci-fi, British literature, the outdoors, boating, gardening, and I LOVE animals. I made a funny website describing myself, which I will be more than happy to share with those who email me privately.

I attended an all-girl high school, and back in the day my friends used to joke about me being asexual. I asked them how I was supposed to reproduce, and they suggested I sprout buds - analogous to other asexual organisms, I suppose.

Relationships for me always seem to end when I tell them that I'm not interested in having sex anymore. I want to get married, I want a life partner, and I would like to have kids. I am willing to have sex for reproduction purposes. Then it's okay because there is a purpose in it other than one-sided pleasure... I don't really enjoy having sex, mostly because I've discovered that I'm pretty much frigid. :-( I used to think it was sad, but then one day I decided to search the web (since you can find *anything* on the internet) to see if there were other folks with my similar disinterest.

So that's me (kinda).

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Although I don't chat on Yahoo, I have managed chat channels on IRC for years and for a brief period was an IRCOP. If anyone is interested in forming a chat channel on IRC for our particular group, I'd be more than happy to step up to the plate to take care of the more mundane administrative duties.

Hi everyone, I thought I was strange for so long and must need therapy because I have no sexual desire and don't care to have it. I am with someone who knows nothing of this. It was such a relief to find out that there are other people out there who feel the same way. If anyone wants to write me or start a chat, I would love to speak with others who have the same feelings. Thanks for reading. :) Holly

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There seems to be a bit of an increase in people looking for partnerships where being asexual is understood and respected. I'm wondering if it worthwhile suggesting there be some central place (ie., this email group) where all the messages can be displayed, easily reviewed and also time-limited so that the messages are reasonably fresh and valid.

Depending on feedback or what the moderators here think, I'm also offering to maintain/manage/create this according to what people want/would like to see evolve.

I run four other focused email groups; and maintain several websites for a range of community groups/NGOs. I am respectful of a range of human diversity and experience; have over 10 years experience in community work and would like to be able to offer the asexual community something, as another one of the many people who already offer their time, skills and assistance to this community.

I'm not exactly clear on who the moderators/owners here are - so if you would like to contact me offlist (my yahoo-profile is always updated) to ask any others questions to clarify more please do.

I admit I have some ideas on how this could be managed - but I believe that I certainly don't have all the answers, so I'd prefer to take onboard guidence from others here. Over to you.

Craig Andrews

Welcome to the Haven. Thanks for posting such a wonderful, detailed, introdution to the group. Best of luck to you in your efforts to find a happy, asexual, relationship/marriage.

Staci dastraube1 said:

I'm a 39-year-old SWM looking for a thirtiesh woman for a life partnership/marriage situation. Ideally, I'd love to have a...

SWF, 39, attractive, slim, educated, animal lover, into left wing politics, health conscious, outgoing, communicate, compassionate, employed, socially conscious, ISO SWM, 35 - 45 not gay, or a religous fanatic, finacially secure, into celibate marriage. I live in Denver, and am open to re-locating to a nice warm climate like Florida!

Welcome to the Haven, Karen. Thanks for the wonderful introduction. Best wishes to you in finding the asexual friendship/marriage you are seeking.

Staci

SWF, 39, attractive, slim, educated, animal lover, into left wing politics, health conscious, outgoing, communicate, compassionate, employed, socially conscious, ISO SWM, 35 - 45 not gay, or a religous fanatic, finacially secure, into celibate marriage. I live in Denver, and am open to re-locating to a nice warm climate like Florida!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/havenforthehumanamoeba http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Oregon-Asexuals

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