Haven for the Human Amoeba

This is the last I'm going to talk about this. I read the article you provided. It's obvious to me that this article is about 5% fact and 95% opinion, in my opinion. Aside from the small medical journal quote, everything the author states is his own biased opinion. Personally, he sounds like a WASP to me. I think much of what he states is extrapolation, especially when he starts referencing Nazi era eugenics.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong, mainly because I don't have all the info and statistics on Holland's Euthanasia practices. When it comes to parents having decision making authority on familial euthanasia, I guess it depends on who you ask. That's a grey area to me and I couldn't even fathom making a decision or even thinking about it. I'm pro-choice on everything so long as the decisions you make only affect yourself and no one else. When it comes to playing "god" (I'm Atheist), that's where I would draw the line. If a severely damaged person doesn't have the mental capacity to do anything, is it really "life" or just "existing"?

On 13 Mar 2004, 07:13 +00:00, Jonathan Brennan said:

Go see the movie. I firmly believe in anyone's right to live or die. What gives the state or government the right to legislate peoples' private lives and what they chose to do with them?

The Netherlands has a fully government backed Euthanasia policy. It's completely legal. They don't have any problems with "Kevorkians" running around providing bargain basement killings.

http://www.minbuza.nl/default.asp?CMS_ITEM=MBZ257609&CMS_NOCOOKIES=YES

An excellent example. They allow parents to OK euthanasia for their children under age 12, which you seem to think is OK even though it is being abused. It's much easier to keep things under control if the lines aren't blurred. (The death penalty is another example of "line blurring." If we're going to allow murder, I think convicts should be allowed to choose between life in prison without parole vs. being killed straight off with no appeals.)

http://www.chronwatch.com/content/contentDisplay.asp?aid=11893 Mercy Killing in the Netherlands: Euthanasia or Eugenics? Written by Cinnamon Stillwell Monday, December 20, 2004

---

Therese Shellabarger / The Roving Reporter - Civis Mundi tlshell@... / http://tlshell.cnc.net/

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I have read that "Million Dollar Baby" is Clint Eastwood's revenge on the wheelchair crowd. Well, the "wheelchair crowd" sure ain't happy about it.

I haven't seen anything about the movie - what's the dealie with it being 'anti-wheelchair?'... what's the gist? I thought it was about boxing? ...

Craig (wheelchair user)

Oh sorry - I asked before I read this... no worries.

Craig.

-----Original Message----- If you don't want to know how the movie ends, then don't read any further. I tired of all this "wheelchair revenge" crap.

Hillary Swank's character becomes paralyzed from the neck down and is bed-ridden for the rest of her life.

Hey Jim, I'd sure welcome your input into the bulletin connected with the Asexual Personals site. It doesn't have to be about dating stuff or partnership stuff. I'm sure asexual people would be interested to read broader, interesting stuff.

Contact me offlist if you're interested to throw some ideas back and forth and see what comes of it.

Craig www.asexualove.net

mail@...

From

Jim Sinclair [mailto:jisincla@...]

Sent

Monday, 14 March 2005 3:30 PM the mid- to late-1980s I couldn't find anything for or about asexual people. I tried to run a newsletter for a while, but most of the people who wrote to me were not asexual, and eventually my interest in it just fizzled. It wasn't until I got involved with other autistic people that I started meeting more asexual people. Before that, I still knew that I was asexual, even when I couldn't find anyone else who was like me.

J8

I was bothered a little by the movie. The situation that the gal(Kate?) in the movie faced (quadriplegia, financially security, loss of career, loss of athletic participation) was not all that dissimilar to the situation faced by Christopher Reeve...except for one main thing...Christopher had family and friends and a public that rallied around him and Kate had been abandoned by her family and had only one friend, Eastwood's character. So what bothered me was that I see that what was pivotal in Kate's decision to seek a way out was not having the kind of support system that Christopher had. What if Kate's family had stood by her and smothered her with love? Would we think it a good thing, then, for Eastwood's character to grant her death wish? Personally, I don't think the writers even considered that (in effect) they were saying that whether one has friends or family should be a societally-accepted consideration in deciding whether to live or die. I think rather that they wrote in Kate's estrangement from her family as a contrivance to make Kate's situation more compelling. It's a complicated issue. I did sympathize with Eastwood's character's decision. But I left the theater feeling that I had been sold something. They say "hard cases make bad law" and it seemed this was a very hard case. Anyone else feel like this?

When I first heard of Million Dollar Baby, I thought "a female Rocky story, awesome." Then I learned that was just the hook. Since learning about the ending, I've chosen not to see it. The concept offends me on a number of levels. Not only does it deal with a person's right to die, but since the lead character is female, another negative message it's sending out is: this is what happens to a woman who encroaches in a man's domain i.e. boxing.

I don't mind movies that make me think, but I'm tired of movies with downer endings. I think we need a few more uplifting, if not happy ever after endings.

I was bothered a little by the movie. The situation that the gal(Kate?) in the movie faced (quadriplegia, financially security, loss of career, loss of athletic participation) was not all that dissimilar to the situation faced by Christopher Reeve...except for one main thing...Christopher had family and friends and a public that rallied around him and Kate had been abandoned by her family and had only one friend, Eastwood's character. So what bothered me was that I see that what was pivotal in Kate's decision to seek a way out was not having the kind of support system that Christopher had. What if Kate's family had stood by her and smothered her with love? Would we think it a good thing, then, for Eastwood's character to grant her death wish? Personally, I don't think the writers even considered that (in effect) they were saying that whether one has friends or family should be a societally-accepted consideration in deciding whether to live or die. I think rather that they wrote in Kate's estrangement from her family as a contrivance to make Kate's situation more compelling. It's a complicated issue. I did sympathize with Eastwood's character's decision. But I left the theater feeling that I had been sold something. They say "hard cases make bad law" and it seemed this was a very hard case. Anyone else feel like this?

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....but since the lead character is female, another negative message it's sending out is: this is what happens to a woman who encroaches in a man's domain i.e. boxing.

erm...yes - exactly the point I too was thinking. would this movie have been made with a male star? could Rocky Stallone become quadraplegic and wish to die?

could a movie be made (financially etc) with the male star becoming seriously injured and wanting to die and portrayed as dwindling down to death? would people go and see that?

It's very weird to hear all this without seeing the movie - and being sold the idea (probably through media, and just the advertising of the movie) that it's about training a young girl to be a boxing star and become a boxing success (when it sounds like it's nothing of the sort).

Craig

SpongeBob SquarePants The Movie has a happy ending. He saves the day with sweet sweet rock'n'roll.

When I first heard of Million Dollar Baby, I thought "a female Rocky story, awesome." Then I learned that was just the hook. Since learning about the ending, I've chosen not to see it. The concept offends me on a number of levels. Not only does it deal with a person's right to die, but since the lead character is female, another negative message it's sending out is: this is what happens to a woman who encroaches in a man's domain i.e. boxing.

I don't mind movies that make me think, but I'm tired of movies with downer endings. I think we need a few more uplifting, if not happy ever after endings.

From

dastraube1

To

[email protected]

Sent

Wednesday, March 16, 2005 1:31 AM

Subject

[Haven for the Human Amoeba] Re: Movies

I was bothered a little by the movie. The situation that the gal(Kate?) in the movie faced (quadriplegia, financially security, loss of career, loss of athletic participation) was not all that dissimilar to the situation faced by Christopher Reeve...except for one main thing...Christopher had family and friends and a public that rallied around him and Kate had been abandoned by her family and had only one friend, Eastwood's character. So what bothered me was that I see that what was pivotal in Kate's decision to seek a way out was not having the kind of support system that Christopher had. What if Kate's family had stood by her and smothered her with love? Would we think it a good thing, then, for Eastwood's character to grant her death wish? Personally, I don't think the writers even considered that (in effect) they were saying that whether one has friends or family should be a societally-accepted consideration in deciding whether to live or die. I think rather that they wrote in Kate's estrangement from her family as a contrivance to make Kate's situation more compelling. It's a complicated issue. I did sympathize with Eastwood's character's decision. But I left the theater feeling that I had been sold something. They say "hard cases make bad law" and it seemed this was a very hard case. Anyone else feel like this?

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Fellow Members, I have been asked to forward this information to other asexuals. Please contact Ms. Neumer, not me.

"Alison S. Neumer is looking for asexuals in the Chicago area for an article she is writing for the Chicago Tribune. She would like to interview asexuals about their experiences in Chicago. If you are interested in giving an interview, please contact her via email. If you know any asexuals in the Chicago area who may be interested, please forward Ms. Neumer's contact information to them.

asneumer@...

Alison S. Neumer Reproter RedEye/Chicago Tribune"

Thanks, gan

I know there are definately members on this list that are Straight, others are bi and then again others are gay but agian they are all Asexual.

Jen

HI I just found this group recently, I dont know sometimes if I am truelly asexual, I dont like sex but I like intimacy. I also consider myself gay, I still feel attractions but not sexual. Do many asexuals still feel attractions to others whether same sex or opposite?

I'm a journalist from Danish youth magazine Chili (www.chilinet.dk). I'm working on a serious article about asexuality and what it means being asexual since there haven't been much focus on asexuality in the media in Denmark. I am looking for a asexual M/F aged 15-30 who would like to be interviewed on his/hers life as asexual. I plan to do the interview over the phone, and off course anonymity will be respected.

If you're interested please write to nannaba@... or just answer here.

Sincerely

-Nanna Balslev, Chili Magazine

I am a 39 year old male who's never had sex. Just the idea of being near a woman's genitals gives me the heebie-jeebie's. I, however, love women for their companionship and huggy-kissy. Am I asexual?

See Jane run from pronouns By Doug Mann

The push for equality is one of the most powerful currents in the modern Western cultural and political worlds, not to mention academic life specifically.

And some well intentioned academics have taken up the only cudgel they really have, the written word, to bravely pursue this mission (not worrying too much about such minor issues as the great economic inequalities that exist in our society – after all, if you’re okay, the underclass and working class must be okay, too!).

For example, following the noble example of the Ministry of Truth in Orwell’s utopian vision 1984, Western’s Philosophy Department has courageously put forward a series of Guidelines for the Non-Sexist Use of Language which includes the following dicta:

“A most effective way to eliminate male pronouns is to reformulate abstract statements so that particular or hypothetical examples are cited: ‘the philosopher...he' might be recast as a reference to a particular philosopher who illustrates the point in question. Finally, when pronouns cannot be eliminated in any of these ways is it always possible, and now quite unexceptional, to use inclusive formulations such as ‘she and he'/'he and she', ‘s/he', or ‘she/he'/'he/she'.” www.uwo.ca/philosophy/index.htm

So when we construct a proposition describing a children’s game of catch, it’s no longer proper to say “he threw the ball to Jane.” Instead, we must say that “he or she threw the ball to Jane,” or to use the entirely gender-neutral construction “the ball was thrown to Jane.”

Naturally, by saying the ball is being thrown to Jane in no way implies that Jane, qua passive object, is incapable of throwing the ball back – let’s be clear about that.

This is a good start, I said to myself, yet perhaps not inclusive enough.

For one thing, it bespeaks a certain prejudice against hermaphrodites, drag queens, and asexuals (a group recently recognized by the British census as constituting a not insignificant part of the population). Surely such folk have the right to be included in academic language too! And just as surely the old pronouns simply don’t suffice.

So I put my mind to the problem, and here’s what I came up with. Since hermaphrodites share the physical characteristics of both sexes, a new pronoun is obviously required. I suggest “h’she” (pronounced “huh-shee”) to cover this ground.

As for drag queens, being men in women’s clothing, “she(he)” (pronounced “shuh-hee”) seems in order. This leaves the signifiers of gender free to play, to paraphrase Mr. Derrida. As for asexuals, we already have a perfectly good term in the language, “it,” which preserves their neutrality.

So my reformed, much more inclusive sentence goes like this:

“He, she, h’she, she(he), or it threw the ball to Jane”.

Congratulating myself on having solved the seemingly insoluble problem of a perfectly inclusive language, I was walking home one night whistling merrily when I came upon my old pals Tiger and Fluffy, two neighborhood cats. I explained my triumph to them, whereupon they started to hiss and growl, and Tiger, a feisty Siamese, took a slash at my leg. Naturally, I was taken aback.

After no little tummy rubbing and back scratching, calmer spirits prevailed. Fluffy explained that she was tired of reading all that “speciesist drivel” in philosophical journals, and had, in fact, cancelled her subscription to Dialogue.

Apparently my attempt to reform the language was far from purrfect. She suggested that my list of inclusive pronouns was not complete, and needed an addition. “What might that be?”, I asked. “Mrrroww,” she replied, which apparently is the non-gendered first person pronoun in Cat (which I might add is a difficult language to master).

After promising to add this to the list, Tiger and Fluffy scampered off into their backyard to discuss Hegelian dialectics and chase mice.

I also came upon a skunk, but that’s a story for another day.

So another addition was required:

“He, she, h’she, she(he), it, or mrrrow threw the ball to Jane”. This is a good start, though I’m sure that more reforms of the language will be called for by academia. For now I’m off to Laputa for a holiday, and will deal with these things when I return.

http://communications.uwo.ca/western_news/opinion.html?listing_id=18131

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Asexuals, new type of sexual minority, to conquer the world03/18/2005 17:06 These people do not understand why every human being is so obsessed with sex

That was a rather strange family indeed. The young people were married for five years, but they never had sex with each other. They were not ashamed to talk about it: "Our relationship is purely platonic. We only kiss each other sometimes," they said. Needless to mention that such a family arrangement seems to be more than just extremely strange to the majority of normal, healthy people. If someone stands up and says that he or she rejects the driving force of the basic instinct, such a person will inevitably be considered insane. There is a certain category of people, though, who do not have any sexual desires at all. They reject any connection of such a peculiarity with religion, beliefs or moral values too.

British scientists conducted a special research, trying to unveil the mystery of such a strange phenomenon. They came to a surprising conclusion: a new type of sexual minority was being formed in the up-to-date world - the asexuals. These people do not understand why every human being is so obsessed with sex. Furthermore, a British scientist said that the number of asexual and homosexual people was almost the same in the world. Asexual people are straight, if one may say so. If an asexual man falls in love with an asexual woman, for example, their relationship will be based on a purely emotional intimacy - there will be no physical intimacy at all. In addition, asexual people believe that their love is a lot stronger and deeper than the traditional love between the two sexes.

The majority of asexuals have friends of the opposite sex, with whom they can share all their interests and secrets and even contract marriages at times. Terri and Phill Barret from Portsmouth have been married for more than ten years. Terri met her would-be husband in 1992 and fell in love with him instantly. Terri says that she had a great aversion to sex, but she decided to practice it with Phil anyway in order to keep her man. The woman eventually made a decision to put an end to her physical torture and never have sex anymore. Terri and Phil got married in July of 1994, though.

Terri's husband turned out to be an asexual person as well: he did not have an uncontrollable wish to have sex every day, week, or even month. However, common people have sex not only to enjoy themselves, but to have children too. A female representative of the new type of sexual minority said that she would rather adopt a child instead of becoming a candidate for in vitro fertilization. The woman added that she would never agree to have sex with a man for the sake of pregnancy.

Doctors categorize the so-called "hypoactive sexual desire" as an ailment. It can be considered a disorder, unless it causes trouble to a patient. Asexuals, however, say that do not suffer from their sexual reluctance at all. They say that they are not impotent or shallow individuals: they simply do not want to have sex. "We do not perceive other people around us as sexual objects. We perceive them as personalities. We are absolutely normal people," they say.

As a matter of fact, that is a doubtful statement to make. A dictionary of medical terms designates asexuality as the complete absence of sexual interest with adult people. The phenomenon can be caused with various neuroendocrine disorders, narcotic, sedative, soporific intoxication, brain and spinal cord diseases, genital hypoplasia, a state of depression, and so on and so forth. Asexuality can also be based on hidden and unconscious homosexual conception, masochist or sadistic inclinations. Doctors affirm, however, that the majority of modern asexuals do not suffer from any form of mental instability.

The number of asexual people is growing in the world today. French designer Philippe Starck said once that sexual attraction would soon vanish from Earth. It appears that we are now witnessing the start of this process. Asexual individuals say that they are the people of the future.

Read the original in Russian: (Translated by: Dmitry Sudakov)

L1999-2002 "PRAVDA.Ru". http://english.pravda.ru/main/18/90/359/15132_asexuality.html

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Asexuality This article is about human asexuality; asexual reproduction is a separate topic. Asexuality is a designation or self-designation for people who lack sexual attraction. There is debate as to whether this is a sexual dysfunction or an actual sexual orientation. The term is also sometimes used as a gender identity by those who perceive their lack of sexual attraction places them outside the standard definitions of gender. There has been little research done on asexuality, but those studies that have been conducted suggest that, if it is a sexual orientation, it is the least commonly occurring one. Debate There is disagreement over whether or not asexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation. Some argue that it falls under the heading of hypoactive sexual disorder or sexual aversion disorder . Among those who do not believe it to be an orientation, suggested causes include past sexual abuse, sexual repression (of homosexuality or otherwise), hormonal problems, delayed development of attraction, and not having met the right person. Many self-identified asexuals, meanwhile, say that these things are not true of them, or that because their asexuality does not cause them distress, it should not be labeled a disorder. Others argue that, in the past, similar things were said about homosexuality, despite the fact that many people now consider it a legitimate orientation.

Because of the lack of research on the subject, there is little evidence in favor of either side of the debate. Research A study done on rams found that about 2% to 3% of the individuals being studied had no apparent interest in mating with either sex. Another study was done on rats and gerbils, in which up to 12% of the males showed no interest in females. Their interactions with other males were not measured, however, so the study is of limited use when it comes to asexuality.

A UK survey of sexuality included a question on sexual attraction, and 1% of respondents replied that they had "never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all." The Kinsey Institute conducted a small survey on the topic, which concluded that "asexuals appear to be better characterized by low sexual desire and sexual excitation than by low levels of sexual behavior or high sexual inhibition." That study also mentions a conflict regarding the definition of "asexual": the researchers found four different definitions in the literature, and stated that it was unclear whether those identifying as asexual were referring to an actual orientation. Variations There are differences among people that identify as asexual, chief among them the presence or absence of a sex drive and romantic attraction. Among asexuals, some only experience one or the other, while some possess both, and others neither.

The sex drive of those asexuals who have one is not directed at anything: it is only an urge for sexual stimulation or release. It can range from weak to strong. Some asexuals experience sexual feelings but have no desire to act on them.

For those asexuals with romantic attraction, it is often directed specifically towards one or more genders. These asexuals desire romantic relationships (ranging from casual liaisons to marriage) with their preferred gender or genders, but often do not want these relationships to include sexual activity. Because of their romantic orientation, some asexuals describe themselves as gay, bisexual, or straight asexuals; this is related to the concept of affectional orientation.

Those who do want romantic relationships are in a difficult position, as the majority of people are not asexual. Asexuals able to tolerate sex can pair up with non-asexuals, but even then their lack of attraction can be psychologically distressing to their partner, making a long-term romance difficult. Asexuals who cannot tolerate sex must either compromise with their partners and have a certain amount anyway, have sexless relationships with those few who are willing, only date other asexuals, or decide to stay single.

Some asexuals use a classification system developed (and then retired) by the founder of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, one of the major online asexual communities (abbreviated as AVEN). In this system, asexuals are divided into types A through D: a Type A asexual has a sex drive but no romantic attraction, a Type B has romantic attraction but no sex drive, a Type C has both, and a Type D neither. The categories are not meant to be entirely discrete or set in stone; one's type can change, or one can be on the border between two types. Note that AVEN itself no longer uses this system, on the basis that it is too exclusive, but a number of asexuals still feel it is a useful tool for explaining their orientation.

Note that asexuality is not the same as celibacy, which is the deliberate abstention from sexual activity; many asexuals do have sex, and most celibates are not asexual. Asexuality and religion Several religions or religious sects believe that asexuality is a spiritually superior condition, and some asexuals believe that their lack of "base desires" allows them to feel a deeper spirituality, although other asexuals consider that an elitist attitude. In other creeds, children are considered a gift from God that should not be refused, a means of spreading religion, or both; it should be noted, though, that some asexuals do have children. Furthermore, according to some religious beliefs, sexuality itself is sacred or a divine gift; certain varieties of Tantra involve sex, for example, and some types of neopaganism include the concept of sacred sexuality.

Currently, asexuals face little religious condemnation; unlike homosexuals, for instance, they are not a target of conservative religious groups. However, this could change in the future. See also Sexual orientation Celibacy List of asexuals Affectional orientation Misogyny Hermits Misanthropy External links Asexual Visibility and Education Network Kinsey Survey on Asexuality (Power Point File) Guardian article on asexuality CNN article on asexuality New Scientist article on asexuality (14 October 04)

de:Asexualität sv:Asexualitet

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The number of asexual people is growing in the world today. French designer Philippe Starck said once that sexual attraction would soon vanish from Earth. It appears that we are now witnessing the start of this process. Asexual individuals say that they are the people of the future.

I really, really doubt this. How would we reproduce? And don't give me SciFi answers...there's no reason to use scientific means that are expensive and uncertain if there is a perfectly natural means at hand. It would be nice if there were more assexuals for awhile in order to drive down the population, but not on as a majority or on a permanent basis. With our ability to live longer and healthier though, perhaps 50-50 would be workable?

Therese Shellabarger / The Roving Reporter - Civis Mundi [email protected] / http://tlshell.cnc.net/

This pronoun article is screwy.

See Jane run from pronouns By Doug Mann.... For one thing, it bespeaks a certain prejudice against hermaphrodites, drag queens, and asexuals (a group recently recognized by the British census as constituting a not insignificant part of the population).

For the most part, asexual people are men or women who have very clear gender identities (male or female) within the gender binary (male/female) usually. As such, most of us are fine with being referred to as 'she' or 'he' (and usually according to our name - 'Jack', 'Kathy' etc). No worries.

Hermaphrodites (intersex people) and drag queens (transgender people) might have problems with the pronoun thing (not all). Then, it's a simple matter to see what pronoun they prefer. We do this with every single people we meet anyway. It's as straightforward as learning someone's name. Good grief.

What's the complication? or confusion?

Sounds like Doug Mann has pronoun problems himself/herself or 'h'self' and is pinning this other people.

Craig.

I've just discover the name for what I thought was "abnormal" about myself for years. I'm so excited to finally understand how I feel. Now I'm looking to meet new people who share the same lifestyle. Please email me, I would love to chat!

Hello and welcome! Don't know what to say. The only excitement I've had in a while was the Motorhead concert in Omaha Friday night. COC and Zeke were there too. It was an awesome show. I hope my pictures turn out OK.

I've just discover the name for what I thought was "abnormal" about myself for years. I'm so excited to finally understand how I feel. Now I'm looking to meet new people who share the same lifestyle. Please email me, I would love to chat!

http://www.geocities.com/jnthnbrnnn/

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Asexuals I am writing a story about a girl who goes out with a guy who is asexual for my writing class. Again, I can't say enough how much classes help with creativity. My cup runneth over lately.

Anyway, when I mentioned it to my friend, Lauren, she did not believe that this group existed. A guy at Half, my favorite wine bar in Prospect Heights, did not believe me as well. Lauren and I were happy he eventually spoke to us since it was a lean night there and he was a hot dreaded brother. However, once he opened his mouth, we became less happy that he did speak to us.

Well, here's an article. I am really fascinated. Not in a fish in a glass tank kind of way, but honestly, though I am not asexual, the way that many of them talk about love and relationships was really interesting. I feel like intimacy without sex is a fascinating conversation piece to me.

I for one have felt really intimate, especially with a few particular men, and have never had sex with them. Yet, I feel as if I almost loved them. Maybe I did even love them.

I realize that being asexual is a bit different from that. That it stems from a general lack of interest in sex but the conversations that arise from discussing asexuality is really interesting to me.

Check out this article and let me know your thoughts.

Asexual Underground Gay Passe? Straight sedate? Get ready for the nerdy underbelly of no sex. by Jamie Gadette

At first glance, Esther and Ken Dail appear like any other couple attending Adams State College in small-town Alamosa, CO. The young newlyweds kiss, hug and shower together in their on-campus apartment.Too bad their bedroom is a sterile sleep dungeon. After two years of marriage, their lives are void of lust-filled romps. In fact, they have yet to seal the deal.

Then again, maybe it’s not “too bad” for the Dails. Esther is a virgin. She’s also a self-proclaimed asexual, meaning that when Ken’s on the prowl for some nookie, it’s a safe bet his search will end with a cold shower.

Esther has never been turned on. In her mind, sex presents as much potential as a board game. “I like to compare it to playing chess,” she said. “Ken really likes to play chess. I’m not into it—I don’t have the patience for it. So he’ll have to play with someone else, and I’m OK with that.”

Esther’s logic seems reasonable. But does that give Ken free license to cheat? Esther doesn’t mind if Ken sleeps with another person, however, if he does so, her occasional attempts to please him will come to an end. Of course, that doesn’t mean the relationship will necessarily end. “Our marriage isn’t built on sex,” she said. “I’m not sure I would see it as a betrayal.”

Such reasoning might ring true for those bored with monogamy. However, the average American would likely scoff at the notion of building a solid relationship on those terms. They might assume the Dails have invented an elaborate façade to overshadow some dark secret. Esther must be a closet lesbian or, she just hasn’t met the right gal or guy. She just needs to “get laid.” Maybe her hobbies—tatting (yarn, not ink), making costumes, serving as president of the Medieval Recreationist Society, and attending Star Trek conventions—repel potential suitors. But she managed to snag Ken.

When it comes to asexuality, there are more questions than answers. Given the lack of research devoted to the subject, people like Esther are shrouded in mystery. The few scholars and psychologists who have given thought to the matter remain dumbfounded by the phenomenon. But one thing is certain, asexuals are increasingly sounding off—revealing their true identities and asserting that there’s nothing wrong with atypical abstinence.

Researchers have managed to establish a few loose facts, including a classification system that breaks asexuality into four categories:

Type A—Do not experience romantic attraction, but are able to get aroused. They have no drive to engage in sex. In other words, they’re stuck in neutral.

Type B—Experience romantic attraction, but have no sex drive. They want to explore, but the stick shift is jacked.

Type C—Capable of both arousal and romantic attraction, but have no drive to put the two together. There just isn’t enough gas.

Type D—Feel neither attraction nor arousal. This is the most common type of asexual. These people prefer to avoid driving altogether.

While the system is helpful for identifying different levels of asexuality, it doesn’t explain how those conditions surfaced. Most researchers can only describe asexuality through better-established conditions.

Donald Strassberg, a University of Utah psychology professor whose research interests include sexual function and sexual dysfunction, thinks asexuality could be explained by two different—but likely related—disorders. The first one, hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), pertains to individuals who, given the opportunity to have sex, will either pass or take it without applause.

“These people don’t seem to get horny,” he said.

Those afflicted by HSDD don’t fantasize about sex, however they might consider getting frisky if it means pleasing their romantic partner. When it comes to HSDD, sex is the taste equivalent of Top Ramen noodles—a cheap, low-nutrition option that will do in a pinch. Sexual Aversion Disorder (SAD), on the other hand, describes those who go out of their way to avoid intercourse. In this case, sex and pleasure exist as polar opposites. There is no middle ground, no occasional hanky-panky for the sake of others.

“If you think about sex, it’s like almost every other appetite we have, like exercise for example. People differ in how important it is for them and no matter where you are on the continuum, you could be satisfied,” Strassberg said. Some people establish strict regimens that have them jogging three or four times a week, while others prefer to lounge on the couch, exerting just enough energy to lift the remote.

Strassberg thinks that whether you’re an exercise junky, a sex junky or a fan of neither, happiness hinges on your definition of normal. A lack of desire is problematic only insofar as it presents personal discomfort. If the individual experiencing an avoidance or aversion to sex is still able to lead a fulfilling life, then there’s no cause for alarm. For these people, bedroom liaisons are yawn-inducing. They would just as soon count cracks on pavement.

“In terms of being labeled, the condition has to be marked in distress. They either have to be bothered by the behavior, or it must pose a problem for their relationship,” Strassberg said.

Esther admits that while she suffers no personal distress, her disposition interferes with her marriage. She has tried to have sex with Kent, but each attempt—marked by several months of physical and psychological preparation—ended in failure.

“I have to plan well in advance, just as I would for a medical exam,” she said. Esther’s methodical planning is partly informed by physical discomfort. Sex is not only boring, but also painful. Well, that’s certainly a good reason to avoid hanky panky. But there’s more.

Esther’s parents, devout Christians raised on apocalyptic sermons, forbade their children from any sexual exploration. When an 8-year-old Esther disobeyed orders by playing doctor with a young neighbor, she received a severe spanking. Sex lost its glossy appeal.

U psychology and gender studies assistant professor Lisa Diamond is more interested in the implications of asexuality than how it came to pass. She’s concerned by the negative reactions expressed toward those disinterested in sex.

“I think it’s interesting that we automatically assume a psychologically healthy person is very sexually hungry,” she said. “If you aren’t interested in sex, then there’s something wrong with you. If your marriage is not sexually exciting, then there’s something wrong. If I decide it’s not worth the risk, then there’s something weird about that.”

Diamond cites the media as a main source of unrealistic expectations. Sex is all over the place, she said, in film, television and print ads. However, the abundance of risqué images contrasts with our society’s conservative sexual ideals and sexual norms. “It’s a strange paradox,” Diamond said. It follows that anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, might be confused by what’s “normal.” Traditional notions of love and marriage are apparently no longer suitable for 21st century needs. Individual want is increasingly recognized and respected. More women are choosing to be single. More married women are rebelling through infidelity. Our career-centric culture invites us to reject “Til death do us part.”

“It’s a very modern notion that the person you marry should not only be a companion, but also your very best friend with whom you share an intense sexual bond,” she said. We should all be so lucky. Or, if you’re asexual, perhaps so unlucky.

Diamond thinks pharmaceutical companies take advantage of couples unable to meet ideal standards through products promising better and more sex. Viagra is perhaps the most common example. Its name has been etched into popular consciousness through print ads and prime time television commercials. One spot shows a man shopping with his wife. He waits for her to try on shoes, bored out of his mind. Then they pass a lingerie store and suddenly, “He’s back [to mischief].” He’s “normal” again.

Women are also increasingly subject to advertisements hawking cures for female sexual dysfunction. The message? You, and your life, are incomplete without sex.

“This is just another way asexuality becomes stigmatized,” Diamond said.

Strassberg, who currently is recruiting participants for research on Viagra, thinks the market could explain some forms of asexuality. “Anything that can dramatically impact hormones in the body can impact sexual interest,” Strassberg said. However, he emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between social expectations and personal standards. “I don’t think that everybody has to be at a certain [sexual] level to feel OK about themselves,” he said.

Strassberg should tell that to David Harp, who withheld his real name to prevent his family from discovering his asexual secret. The 21-year-old Kansas City native always assumed he was a late bloomer. Unlike friends sneaking out for games of spin the bottle, his desire to explore sex fell more in line with household chores, or going to the dentist. There was nothing fascinating about making out. In fact, he found it altogether unappealing. Still, Harp didn’t want to be left out, so he looked for ways to rev up a stalled sex drive. He pored through Playboy searching for a reason to get excited, but found the articles more compelling than photos of airbrushed skin.

Desperate, he called upon God to deliver him from chastity. At the time, his deep Methodist beliefs inspired him to pray for sexual urges. After two years, he lost patience and accepted his fate as a celibate. “It really didn’t bother me that much,” he said. “That’s the thing with asexuality. Most people are like, ‘OK, now what?’ and life moves on.”

When Harp got to college, his fixation on sexual desire took a back seat to more pressing pursuits, like the search for knowledge, friendship and the perfect buzz. Thanks to good looks and a jovial personality, Harp attracted several crushes during his first year on campus. He typically brushed off incoming passes, feigning ignorance of subtle innuendoes. However, one woman was more insistent than the others. The two shared similar classes and mutual friends. So he took her to dinner and a movie, but sparks never took flight. On Valentine’s Day, he sent her a box of chocolates and one rose—yellow, for friendship. Harp came clean the next day.

“I burst into tears at that point. I thought I was letting her and everyone else down,” he said. “I was not aware that others shared my condition. I thought I was this lone freak.”

Fortunately for Harp, his crush wasn’t upset. In fact, she comforted him when he released years of pent-up emotion in a burst of tears. Harp has since been open about his asexuality, at least while school is in session. On Oct. 10, 2003, National Coming Out Day, he posted an article on the window of the campus LGBT center detailing his asexual orientation. Harp’s decision to go public was inspired by his liberal surroundings. Since arriving at college, his self-esteem had skyrocketed. Most students, eager to embrace all things counterculture, responded well to Harp’s announcement. However, people’s questions were often tinged with disbelief, or even anger. After a year of open discussion, Harp continues to address false assumptions.

“I often get, ‘You just haven’t met the right lady,’ and ‘You’re gay, just admit it,’” he said. “I try to explain asexuality to these people, but they don’t get it. And I don’t blame them. I would imagine it’s a hard thing for ‘a sexual’ to grasp.”

Harp recently discovered a place to vent his frustrations. Through a simple Google search, he located the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), an online community designed to foster and facilitate dialogue about asexuality. It also helps ease feelings of isolation—Harp and Esther might not crave physical passion, but they still need companions. AVEN is a godsend for sexless lonely hearts.

“I just thought, ‘Oh, I’m not weird. There’s actually a name for this,’” Esther said. Her relief is echoed in countless online postings from similarly enlightened asexuals who seem liberated by the experience.

The site is especially attractive for those hoping to keep their identities under wraps. Discussions are anonymous and free of judgment. Most members adopt pseudonyms like Liver Licker, Artemis and Cate Perfect. Postings range from deep discussions about “asex” to pop-cultural ranting. One forum, devoted to HBO’s Sex In the City, yielded the following revelation:

“‘Actress Catrall of Sex In the City’ was a clue in last Sunday’s New York Times crossword puzzle (77 Down). I got it by solving the three words going across. That is as close as I have gotten to the show.”

Esther, aka Silly Green Monkey, and Harp, aka Wombat, cite AVEN as their main outlet for expression. Neither is aware of any other asexuals living nearby, so contact is limited to the virtual communities.

Harp is satisfied with the underground environment. He would flip if his parents discovered his new, semi-secret identity. As far as they’re concerned, he’s on his way to snagging the perfect wife—and they aren’t completely wrong. As the son of an only son, Harp is expected to carry on the family name. He plans on satisfying that duty. Like those diagnosed with HSDD, Harp is willing to ignore his sexual aversion for a higher purpose. He plans on marrying, having children and leading a normal—controversy free—life.

Some might liken his decision to homosexuals who hide behind heterosexual marriage. However, Harp claims he’s not fooling anyone. His interest in women is more than platonic.

“I find women aesthetically pleasing, but not sexually pleasing. Women are like pretty paintings—they’re beautiful. But you wouldn’t want to have sex with a painting,” he said, adding that images of men do nothing for him.

Harp explains his connection with women as an emotional attraction. Any marriage he forms in the future will have all the trappings of a traditional relationship minus the sex. Then again, how traditional is that?

Esther and Ken exemplify the reality of Harp’s vision of marriage. Save for Ken’s growing sexual frustration, the relationship is stronger than most. Esther thinks things will improve once her husband learns to control his raging hormones. Besides, while love often involves physical intimacy, sex doesn’t always involve love. Its worth is purely subjective.

“I think sex is an activity that forms a connection between two people—love isn’t really required to make that happen,” Esther said. She admits that sex offers the potential to affirm love, but can’t say for certain why that’s true. “I’ve never experienced it, so I don’t really know what I’m missing,” she said.

In addition to his own sexual fulfillment, Ken broods over his wife’s well-being. When they first met, he figured her reluctance to have sex was due to inexperience. Eventually, he resigned to the fact that she was frigid—nothing time nor medicine couldn’t handle. After two years of marriage, he’s not so sure. According to Esther, Ken fears that if their attempts at intercourse ever succeed, she won’t be able to stop. Esther laughs at the thought. She doesn’t foresee any drastic changes. Besides, even if she did “go wild” her social status would likely improve. She thinks nymphomaniacs are viewed as more culturally acceptable than asexuals. The double standard is frustrating.

Regina English agrees. As an author and speaker on women’s self-esteem, she champions the right to abstain. In 1999, she formed Asexual Pals, an online service designed to connect asexuals with platonic partners. Unlike typical dating services, there is no sexual pretense.

“There’s no turning anyone away. However, people need to understand that this is a place for people seeking companionship. To confuse it with all the other meeting services on the net is a mistake,” English said. Like Strassberg and Diamond, English finds the concept of “fixing” people with no sexual desire outdated and offensive. No amount of Viagra or vigorous rolls in the hay can change an asexual into a sexual creature.

“Asexuality is not thought to be a sexual orientation, therefore not worth serious research. People automatically assume asexuality is a mental disorder to be corrected through drugs and therapy,” she said. “I won’t deny there are people who are asexual due to psychological and physical conditions, but they aren’t the majority.”

Asexual Pals is an offshoot of Leather Spinsters, a Website restricted to single women. The term “leather spinsters,” which brings to mind aging bondage types, actually refers to tough, independent females who choose to be celibate. While the site managed to avoid requests for whip-and-chain action, English received countless applications from men seeking friendships through the female-only forum. Rather than clog message boards with these requests, she created a separate forum for asexuals where they could hook up without fear of ridicule. Asexual Pals opened the door to those who, unlike celibate singles, claim their aversion to sex is not a choice.

If psychologists are intrigued by the concept of voluntary asexuality, people who are apparently born without a sex drive, others are drawn to the notion of people who become sexless later in life. Mary Bucholtz, associate professor of linguistics at the University of California at Santa Barbara, has spent much of her career studying involuntary asexuality. Bucholtz’s research on various Indian “hijras,” or subjects of penile castration surgeries, has given her rare insight into so-called deviant sexual-orientations and practices.

“This is quite different from celibacy or abstinence, in which people deliberately choose not to have sex, although they may feel sexual desire,” she said. “Asexual people simply don’t have strong sexual desires—or no sexual desires at all.”

Bucholtz thinks it’s important to distinguish between the many dimensions of asexuality, including religious abstinence, asceticism and sexual dysfunction. Grouping them together validates assumptions of abnormality—that they are all divergent from cultural standards and thus not worth singling out. Asexuals are unique individuals and deserve to be acknowledged as such. Regarding them as freaks and geeks is reductive. Then again, so is the attempt to demystify difference.

“I think it’s frankly misguided to look for an explanation,” she said. “The point is that asexuality is right for some people. They’re not trying to look for a ‘solution,’ and we shouldn’t try to impose one on them.”

Esther doesn’t know how she arrived at this point. She doesn’t linger over reasons for her condition. “I don’t get any pleasure from it, so I don’t bother,” she said. “I’m comfortable with just about anything that doesn’t involve bodily fluids.”

Meanwhile, Ken sleeps beside his disinterested wife, perhaps dreaming of lingerie-clad Trekkies wielding medieval swords.

A Menu Of Sex, and No Sex

Homosexuality

While the term “homosexuality” predates the term “heterosexuality” it is considered to be an alternative sexual orientation. The concept of same-sex attraction went mainstream with the outbreak of AIDS, which sparked waves of homophobic paranoia. Now, more than 20 years later, homosexuality has gained acceptance among society’s open-minded faction. However, countless groups continue to oppose the “erroneous” ways of gays. They obstruct the path toward equality while gays and lesbians fight for the right to marry. Homosexuality might have been embraced by popular culture (as evidenced by shows like Will & Grace and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy), but it will take more than token celebrities to ease longstanding prejudice. Stay tuned.

Bisexuals

College students often adopt temporary bisexual status as they travel through their experimental years. However, for many, swinging both ways between men and women is a lifelong practice.

Transgendered

In other words, individuals, groups or behaviors centered upon full, or partial, gender reversal. Unsatisfied with the gender assigned to them at birth, they want more of what they don’t have.

Intersexuals

This group features individuals who were born with genitalia of indeterminate sex. While previously labeled as hermaphrodites, the outdated term is now considered offensive and inaccurate.

Body Nullification

Individuals who engage in this practice are commonly referred to as “nullos.” The most common form of nullification is voluntary castration. However, the term also applies to the self-elected removal of any body part.

Hijras

Also referred to as Indian eunuchs, hijras are neither male nor female. Usually they are born male, but some undergo voluntary castration. However, in Indian society, transvestites, hermaphrodites and intersexuals are also considered hijras. They are believed to possess great magical power and spiritual strength to compensate for their sexual impotence. Many view them as bearers of fortune. However, members of this caste also encounter discrimination. Modern-day hijras continue to fight for respect.

http://www.slweekly.com/editorial/2004/feat_2004-09-16.cfm

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/havenforthehumanamoeba http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Oregon-Asexuals

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hello everyone.

I just joined. I'm a confirmed asexual from way-back... last sexual relationship about 8 years ago and before that about 4 years - pretty consistent pattern - I really have no interest.

I was wondering about any famous people like us? Today I was at an art discussion about Edgar Degas. He was a batchelor all his life and I've never heard of any mention of him being homosexual or having mistresses, so I think he must have been asexual.

Anybody else think of other famous people who were or might have been asexual.

Chris

I've just discover the name for what I thought was "abnormal" about myself for years. I'm so excited to finally understand how I feel. Now I'm looking to meet new people who share the same lifestyle. Please email me, I would love to chat!

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi, I'm Esther Dail. That article used a bit of artistic license, but if you have any questions I'd be happy to answer them.

Chris, I am copy/pasting the message I originally posted in January about Alexander the Great:

I am reading "Alexander the Conqueror" by Laura Foreman (Tehabi Press, 2004):

"Hepaestion was his name, and he and the prince had known each other since childhood. They were lovers, but the sexual aspect of their bond was almost incidental to the profound emotional tie that for both was lifelong...Like Philip, [Alexander's father] Alexander would be bisexual, though the son would skew more toward the homosexual end of the scale, to the extent that he was sexual at all. Alexander would always be extremely fastidious about physical intimacy, perhaps in reaction to Philip's goatish indulgence, or perhaps because it was just his nature. His interest in women was late blooming and tepid at best, and it took an extraodinary person of either sex to rouse his passions...'Sex and sleep alone make me conscious that I am mortal' Alexander once remarked. He did not much care for such reminders."

This makes me wonder if we could claim Alexander the Great as an asexual, someone who loves intimacy but has little use for sex.

Hello everyone.

I just joined. I'm a confirmed asexual from way-back... last sexual relationship about 8 years ago and before that about 4 years - pretty consistent pattern - I really have no interest.

I was wondering about any famous people like us? Today I was at an art discussion about Edgar Degas. He was a batchelor all his life and I've never heard of any mention of him being homosexual or having mistresses, so I think he must have been asexual.

Anybody else think of other famous people who were or might have been asexual.

Chris

Hello man,

Whats going on? I stumbled across the group, and I

have, since my divorce 3 years ago, steadily lost

interest in sex, to now I have almost zero sex drive.

I'm 30 now, and I just can't relate to most people

because of this. I am just wondering if there are

people I can relate to. Ok take care buddy.

-RP

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