Haven for the Human Amoeba

Hi Jonathan,

I'm thinking about what you said...

I never thought this could be the case...

I will go to the bottom of this,

How can you call yourself normal and him not when you choose to stick with a relationship that doesn't work? If your b/f chooses to abstain from sex, then by extension so do you by refusing to leave him.

I think you've got self-esteem issues. Why is he the one with the problem? I think you're the one who isn't normal. You're sticking with some one whom you view as inferior just to feel better about yourself.

But my bf is. I'm with him for the last 15yrs of my life.

To make the long story short, we are not having sex for the last 4 yrs.

Makes me crazy....

I'm normal, he's not.

I came here to see if anyone has something to share with me, why somebody chooses to be like that, or if it is a desease, or if there is suffering envolved.

Anyway, I'm still with him despite his condition.

Now i'm kind of the same, since I do not have anyone else in my life, but I wish I had...

Please reply

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We tried to be apart , I'm telling the whole story in another e-mail...

I like to live with him, and despite sex, I will not miss anything else in our relationship.... but sex, sex, sex,sex,sex.....I do have sexual desires that I cannot express, i'm young but I cannot have everything, i guess no one can...

VeryLostBB

tlshell@... wrote:

But my bf is. I'm with him for the last 15yrs of my life.

To make the long story short, we are not having sex for the last 4 yrs.

Makes me crazy....

I'm normal, he's not.

I came here to see if anyone has something to share with me, why somebody chooses to be like that, or if it is a desease, or if there is suffering envolved.

He is normal for himself. You need to get a divorce and find someone who suits your needs better. You and he can still be friends.

It's not a "choice", it's a lifestyle.

It's not a disease, it's healthy.

There's no suffering.

Therese Shellabarger - Civis Mundi - tlshell@...

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Also I think having sex is normal, yes, and if you choose do not have sex you are going against your own nature, cannot be healthy though. VLBB

tlshell@... wrote:

But my bf is. I'm with him for the last 15yrs of my life.

To make the long story short, we are not having sex for the last 4 yrs.

Makes me crazy....

I'm normal, he's not.

I came here to see if anyone has something to share with me, why somebody chooses to be like that, or if it is a desease, or if there is suffering envolved.

He is normal for himself. You need to get a divorce and find someone who suits your needs better. You and he can still be friends.

It's not a "choice", it's a lifestyle.

It's not a disease, it's healthy.

There's no suffering.

Therese Shellabarger - Civis Mundi - tlshell@...

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i think maybe you should think about whether you might be asexual too. because it seems as though a sexual prson wouldnt abstain from sex for 4 years.

But my bf is. I'm with him for the last 15yrs of my life.

To make the long story short, we are not having sex for the last 4 yrs.

Makes me crazy....

I'm normal, he's not.

I came here to see if anyone has something to share with me, why somebody chooses to be like that, or if it is a desease, or if there is suffering envolved.

Anyway, I'm still with him despite his condition.

Now i'm kind of the same, since I do not have anyone else in my life, but I wish I had...

Please reply

VerylostBB

What you still don't understand is that it's not a choice, it simply is the way some people are.

I don't consider myself asexual, I just have a lower sex drive then most people...

Also I think having sex is normal, yes, and if you choose do not have sex you are going against your own nature, cannot be healthy though. VLBB

Have you considered approaching him, explaining that you are happy with all respects of the relationship except sex, and if he can't give you what you want, would he allow you to have sex with someone else instead?

This could be a way for you to both get what you want...

Hi .

Thank you for replying...

Just FTR, I'm 43 now and we get together when I was, 28. We are both brazilians and he now is 40.

Yes, we talked about it, since the beginning I noticed that he was not very found of sex, but i think i thought i could get him inspired, or something... I have my sex life in order, I always love to make love...

Did not work obviously, all these years we have had very little sex, and the talks that we had and reactions were always diferent, in diferent stages of our life.

For the last years he assumed that he has a problem, he called stress, we did try to be away from each other for almost two years, I was then with somebody, that made me feel woman and live again, although the relationship was based in sex only, I think was becuz I was craving that so much....That guy was not for me anyway and I left him.

When my bf was living by himself he tried to sleep with a bunch of girls , with no sucess, an ex-roomate told me details, that he had to masturbate all of them he could not get erection, but he tried...

We talked about this also, and he cried, he said for me to wait , that he will get better... I mention many , many times that he needs to see a doctor or psycanalist or something... we do not have the money and also I think he does not believe on this stuff...

I know i used the "normal' thing term but I know I have also problems, just want to understand what happened on the way here, I lost myself completely, I cannot leave him, I do feel sorry for him, I do feel sorry for me , I do not want to betray him, sometimes a "joke" with him that I will do that and he looks like a lost soul....

A strange tought always comes to my mind, that if I do not have sex with no one, I'm an abstinent , even though I do not want to be one, this prevent me from AIDS and other deseases...Is that so crazy to think??

I know my strory sounds absurd, and I do not tell this to no one, my mom knows, he knows, that roomate of him knew something was wrong but not exactly what, and now you people...

I will think about all the things that you said, thank you for your honesty....

VeryLostBB

Dave said:

It could be a simple hormonal imbalance, a side effect of depression (and/or anti-depression medications), or it could be a symptom of relationship problems.

Or it could be just the way he is.

No it's not a disease, nor painful, nor all that abnormal (It's not common, but it's not uncommon either)

Have you talked to him about the issue?

On 25 May 2005, verylostbaby said:

But my bf is. I'm with him for the last 15yrs of my life.

To make the long story short, we are not having sex for the last 4 yrs.

Makes me crazy....

I'm normal, he's not.

I came here to see if anyone has something to share with me, why somebody chooses to be like that, or if it is a desease, or if there is suffering envolved.

Anyway, I'm still with him despite his condition.

Now i'm kind of the same, since I do not have anyone else in my life, but I wish I had...

Please reply

VerylostBB

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Asexuals' assertion: No one turns them on An overlooked orientation.

By Steve Barnes

© 2005 ALBANY TIMES UNION

Xendara is a pixieish, raven-haired woman of 22 who never in her life has been sexually attracted to another person.

In the past, the Albany, N.Y., college student might have felt - and almost certainly would have been told by shrinks as well as society - that she was sexually flawed. And that she was alone.

But, brought together by the Internet and bolstered by a growing body of scientific research, Xendara and others like her are becoming increasingly visible as a community.

They call themselves asexuals, and they insist that theirs is a valid, fourth orientation, after straight, bisexual and gay. There's nothing wrong, they say; it's how they were born. And as powerful as the sex drive is for almost every sentient creature, they're just not interested.

That's not to say they don't have close friendships; they do. And many asexuals form deep emotional bonds that they define as "romantic" - resembling those commonly understood as coupledom, except for the lack of sexual behavior.

Asexuality isn't celibacy - the refusal to act on attraction. It's the absence of attraction.

"Having sexual chemistry: It mystifies me. I'm like, 'Why would anyone want to do that?' " says Xendara, a biology major enrolled in the New York state's Empire State College.

David Jay was similarly lost as a teen.

"In early high school, all of my friends started talking about how they were attracted to people, who they had crushes on, and I just didn't understand why sexuality was such a big deal for everyone else," says Jay, now 23 and employed in San Francisco.

He spent a couple of years assuming he was a late bloomer. Then, in 2002, he came to a conclusion: "I said, 'All right, I'm going to start thinking about what it means to not be sexual.' " Neither Jay nor Xendara sought out a therapist or psychiatrist. Instead, they, like questioning teens of the last decade, turned to online sources to help them understand, with safe anonymity, what they were feeling.

A key resource for Xendara was the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. AVEN is a Web site (www.asexuality.org), blog and discussion board devoted to helping define a nascent community.

Founded by Jay when he was 20, AVEN now has more than 4,000 members worldwide. There may be several million asexual Americans, a population perhaps half to a third the size of those who identify as gay/lesbian, bi and transgendered.

In a 1994 study of more than 18,000 Britons, 1.05 percent agreed with the statement, "I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all."

"I was surprised by the number of people who reported they were asexual. I was even more surprised that it had never been studied," says Anthony Bogaert, a psychology professor at Brock University in St. Catharines, Canada, near Niagara Falls.

http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/living/health/11771412.htm

To be learning something is the greatest of pleasures, not only to the philosopher but also to the rest of mankind, however small their capacity for it.

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Also I think having sex is normal, yes, and if you choose do not have sex you are going against your own nature, cannot be healthy though.

Ah...you are projecting your desires and declaring them to be the universal standard. Sexual desire is normal *for you* and may be normal for most people. But it doesn't make it normal for *all* people. The nature argument you use sounds similar to the argument used to put down homosexuals for years. The majority may be larger, but they shouldn't behave as a tyrant.

If his lack of having sex is not causing him concern, it doesn't seem to be a problem for him. What might cause him concern is the possibility of losing you... so you might want to talk with your boyfriend about this. A sexual person has needs... there is no denying that. It is very sensible for you to want those needs met.

Greetings, everyone! After finding the AVEN site, I feel like I've finally figured myself out. I look forward to learning more about this community and my place in it.

Lisa

Hello, Im kelly and I feel like I found my home and it's wonderful to find others who are similiar to me

Hello, Im kelly and I feel like I found my home and it's wonderful to find others who are similiar to me

Welcome to the nuthouse!

hello all, looking forward to chatting with all the inmates eventually

On 6 Jun 2005, kelly said:

Hello, Im kelly and I feel like I found my home and it's wonderful to find others who are similiar to me

Welcome to the nuthouse!

We seem to be a rather quiet group.

Anybody see the picture of that guy who came into the US from Canada with a bloody chainsaw? They nabbed him in Massachusetts as the prime suspect for a grizzly double murder in Canada. If looks could kill!!

Here's the link: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050608/ap_on_re_us/chain_saw_border;_ylt=AkZ5n2jHvZbBmTczA2Gi0m9G2ocA;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl

http://www.geocities.com/jnthnbrnnn/

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Anybody see the picture of that guy who came into the US from Canada with a bloody chainsaw? They nabbed him in Massachusetts as the prime suspect for a grizzly double murder in Canada. If looks could kill!!

That's the worst haircut I've seen in awhile.

BTW, it's "grisly" (gruesome) not "grizzly" (bear)

If I looked like that guy, I might kill too, but it wouldn't be other people.

Therese Shellabarger - Civis Mundi - tlshell@...

If I looked like that guy, I might kill too, but it wouldn't be other people.

LMAO

Thanks, I needed the laugh! :)

BTW, it's "grisly" (gruesome) not "grizzly" (bear)

On guard!!

Correct usage, but improper grammar. Shouldn't you have put a comma after "(gruesome)" and before "not". You also forgot to end your sentence with a period.

Touche!!

Take that!!

On 7 Jun 2004, 23:02 +00:00, Jonathan Brennan said:

Anybody see the picture of that guy who came into the US from Canada with a bloody chainsaw? They nabbed him in Massachusetts as the prime suspect for a grizzly double murder in Canada. If looks could kill!!

That's the worst haircut I've seen in awhile.

BTW, it's "grisly" (gruesome) not "grizzly" (bear)

If I looked like that guy, I might kill too, but it wouldn't be other people.

---

Therese Shellabarger - Civis Mundi - tlshell@...

http://www.geocities.com/jnthnbrnnn/

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BTW, it's "grisly" (gruesome) not "grizzly" (bear)

On guard!!

Correct usage, but improper grammar. Shouldn't you have put a comma after "(gruesome)" and before "not". You also forgot to end your sentence with a period.

Touche!!

Take that!!

(Indignant snort)

You don't like learning new things?

Ah, well, thanks for the feedback.

Therese Shellabarger - Civis Mundi - tlshell@...

Actually, I'm glad you pointed it out. I'm meticulous when it comes to my own spelling and grammar.

When I was supposed to do peer-reviews of classmates' papers in college to critique the content, I would always point out punctuation errors and misspelled words, ignoring the content.

I was just being(I mean I am) a smart-ass. People have told me that I need to pepper my emails with smiley faces when I make jokes or sarcastic comments. :)

I like learning new things. :) :)Why just yesterday I learned that I can't have my cake and eat it too. ;)

On 9 Jun 2004, 00:05 +00:00, Jonathan Brennan said:

BTW, it's "grisly" (gruesome) not "grizzly" (bear)

On guard!!

Correct usage, but improper grammar. Shouldn't you have put a comma after "(gruesome)" and before "not". You also forgot to end your sentence with a period.

Touche!!

Take that!!

(Indignant snort)

You don't like learning new things?

Ah, well, thanks for the feedback.

---

Therese Shellabarger - Civis Mundi - tlshell@...

http://www.geocities.com/jnthnbrnnn/

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Why just yesterday I learned that I can't have my cake and eat it too. ;)

Sure you can. You just need to make (buy) two cakes. :P

Actually, I'm glad you pointed it out. I'm meticulous when it comes to my own spelling and grammar.

When I was supposed to do peer-reviews of classmates' papers in college to critique the content, I would always point out punctuation errors and misspelled words, ignoring the content.

I was just being(I mean I am) a smart-ass. People have told me that I need to pepper my emails with smiley faces when I make jokes or sarcastic comments. :)

I like learning new things. :) :)Why just yesterday I learned that I can't have my cake and eat it too. ;)

On 9 Jun 2004, 00:05 +00:00, Jonathan Brennan said:

BTW, it's "grisly" (gruesome) not "grizzly" (bear)

On guard!!

Correct usage, but improper grammar. Shouldn't you have put a comma after "(gruesome)" and before "not". You also forgot to end your sentence with a period.

Touche!!

Take that!!

(Indignant snort)

You don't like learning new things?

Ah, well, thanks for the feedback.

---

Therese Shellabarger - Civis Mundi - tlshell@...

http://www.geocities.com/jnthnbrnnn/

Discover Yahoo! Use Yahoo! to plan a weekend, have fun online and more. Check it out! http://discover.yahoo.com/

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I was just being(I mean I am) a smart-ass. People have told me that I need to pepper my emails with smiley faces when I make jokes or sarcastic comments. :)

I've been told I am a smart ass too, so don't feel lonely.

I like learning new things. :) :)Why just yesterday I learned that I can't have my cake and eat it too. ;)

I'd rather have pie. Apparently, two. (-:

Therese Shellabarger - Civis Mundi - [email protected]

Me too Chris.

Jen

J Noble said:

I would like to be married or in a relationship with an Asexual. If there ever was any confusion, this means a NON-sexual relationship. I've been single for what seems like an eternity. As much as I need down time I still like someone in the house and I like sharing life with someone too.

I agree. There is something to be said for having a life partner. I have been divorced for a few years now and welcome my privacy but sharing experiences and emotions and dreams is nice. And so is seeing the growth in a person over the years, how they change and yet stay the same.

One of the first things I missed about being divorced was sleeping in an empty bed. I enjoyed the warmth and comfort of snuggling as we fell asleep. The sex was boring - a price that had to be paid. It would be nice to have a marriage with love but without sex.

Chris

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Hey Jen! Are you reading six-week-old posts just like I am? I had just seen that post from Chris still in my inbox last night, and decided too much time had gone by and I shouldn't reply to it, and now this morning I see that you have resurrected the thread so I guess I can reply to it after all. :-)

Me too Chris.

Jen

From

"chris" <bluewatersparkling@...>

To

<[email protected]>

Sent

Tuesday, May 03, 2005 10:22 AM

Subject

[Haven for the Human Amoeba] Married and asexual.........was: Sex

<snip>

One of the first things I missed about being divorced was sleeping in an empty bed. I enjoyed the warmth and comfort of snuggling as we fell asleep. The sex was boring - a price that had to be paid. It would be nice to have a marriage with love but without sex.

This won't help much with sharing conversations and dreams and abstract mental concepts, but for pure companionship and sharing *activities* (things you *do* together, as opposed to talking about with words), and most certainly for warmth and comfort and snuggling in bed with absolutely no expectation of sex, I don't think you can get any partner much better than a dog. And a cat can definitely be warm and snuggly in bed, though most cats are less interested than dogs in sharing activities like hiking or Frisbee or swimming. (I did once have a cat who would ride on my shoulder while I walked or rode my bike, traveled contentedly in vehicles, and went on a camping trip with me.) They do make very nice vibrating heating pads, though, when they curl up purring against your back or your shoulders in bed. :-)

It is true that there are some important things I can share with my human friends that I can't share with my dogs and cats: intellectual conversation, shared humor (they do very often amuse me and stimulate *my* sense of humor, but that's not the same thing as having a *shared* appreciation of humor), help figuring out solutions to problems, reaching things on high shelves, and so on. If I were ever to have a human partner, I expect that partner would bring some of those things into my life that my cats and dogs cannot. But you know, even if I did have a human life partner, I would still want my own bed and my own room. I need that degree of private space for myself. And sharing my bed with nice warm snuggly dogs and cats (who sleep on the *top* of the covers, BTW, whereas a human would probably want to sleep *under* the covers with me) is all the company I need in bed.

J8

i am new to this group and have never posted before, so i hope if anyone gets these posts in their email they dont get too. i am a 20 year old girl who has never really been interested in being touched, or touching. i have had a long term relationship before that was physically intimate but i always felt this suffocating feeling, or -even from small things like hugs or kissing. i get grossed out at the thought of cuddling or seeing someone else take off their clothes and i never said anything to anyone because i always just thought i was really weird. i've even laughed out loud during some inappropriate times because the whole idea of sex, and procreating and filing it under "love" seems so ridiculous to me. i've been reading all sort of things on the internet and this seems to make the most sense i would love to hear how people come to terms with this, and what affect if any it has on your personal lives.. because i am okay with being asexual but it seems that its everyone else around me that has some issues. thanks for reading ;-)

-annie-

Annie, I am new also. I feel somewhat like you do. I'm not comfortable being touched or kissing, but that's because it seems to always be expected to have sex afterwards. Nice 2 meet you.

LL

i am new to this group and have never posted before, so i hope if anyone gets these posts in their email they dont get too. i am a 20 year old girl who has never really been interested in being touched, or touching. i have had a long term relationship before that was physically intimate but i always felt this suffocating feeling, or -even from small things like hugs or kissing. i get grossed out at the thought of cuddling or seeing someone else take off their clothes and i never said anything to anyone because i always just thought i was really weird. i've even laughed out loud during some inappropriate times because the whole idea of sex, and procreating and filing it under "love" seems so ridiculous to me. i've been reading all sort of things on the internet and this seems to make the most sense i would love to hear how people come to terms with this, and what affect if any it has on your personal lives.. because i am okay with being asexual but it seems that its everyone else around me that has some issues. thanks for reading ;-)

-annie-

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