Haven for the Human Amoeba

That's why they call it foreplay. :-)

Annie, I am new also. I feel somewhat like you do. I'm not comfortable being touched or kissing, but that's because it seems to always be expected to have sex afterwards. Nice 2 meet you.

LL

onlyinjuly06 said:

i am new to this group and have never posted before, so i hope if anyone gets these posts in their email they dont get too. i am a 20 year old girl who has never really been interested in being touched, or touching. i have had a long term relationship before that was physically intimate but i always felt this suffocating feeling, or -even from small things like hugs or kissing. i get grossed out at the thought of cuddling or seeing someone else take off their clothes and i never said anything to anyone because i always just thought i was really weird. i've even laughed out loud during some inappropriate times because the whole idea of sex, and procreating and filing it under "love" seems so ridiculous to me. i've been reading all sort of things on the internet and this seems to make the most sense i would love to hear how people come to terms with this, and what affect if any it has on your personal lives.. because i am okay with being asexual but it seems that its everyone else around me that has some issues. thanks for reading ;-)

-annie-

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Since when is kissing foreplay? I kiss my mom, is that foreplay? Annie..your doing good posting. Ask away if you have any questions...just becareful NOT to kiss anything..lol

Jonathan Brennan <infidel_89@...> wrote:That's why they call it foreplay. :-)

Annie, I am new also. I feel somewhat like you do. I'm not comfortable being touched or kissing, but that's because it seems to always be expected to have sex afterwards. Nice 2 meet you.

LL

onlyinjuly06 said:

i am new to this group and have never posted before, so i hope if anyone gets these posts in their email they dont get too. i am a 20 year old girl who has never really been interested in being touched, or touching. i have had a long term relationship before that was physically intimate but i always felt this suffocating feeling, or -even from small things like hugs or kissing. i get grossed out at the thought of cuddling or seeing someone else take off their clothes and i never said anything to anyone because i always just thought i was really weird. i've even laughed out loud during some inappropriate times because the whole idea of sex, and procreating and filing it under "love" seems so ridiculous to me. i've been reading all sort of things on the internet and this seems to make the most sense i would love to hear how people come to terms with this, and what affect if any it has on your personal lives.. because i am okay with being asexual but it seems that its everyone else around me that has some issues. thanks for reading ;-)

-annie-

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

You specifically said kissing or touching. I guess it depends on the type of kissing and touching (frenching and heavy petting) that defines foreplay. It's all subjective.

I guess kissing your mother isn't considered foreplay because there isn't an expectation of "sex afterwards".

Since when is kissing foreplay? I kiss my mom, is that foreplay? Annie..your doing good posting. Ask away if you have any questions...just becareful NOT to kiss anything..lol

Jonathan Brennan <infidel_89@...> wrote:That's why they call it foreplay. :-)

Luvely-Lace said:

Annie, I am new also. I feel somewhat like you do. I'm not comfortable being touched or kissing, but that's because it seems to always be expected to have sex afterwards. Nice 2 meet you.

LL

onlyinjuly06 said:

i am new to this group and have never posted before, so i hope if anyone gets these posts in their email they dont get too. i am a 20 year old girl who has never really been interested in being touched, or touching. i have had a long term relationship before that was physically intimate but i always felt this suffocating feeling, or -even from small things like hugs or kissing. i get grossed out at the thought of cuddling or seeing someone else take off their clothes and i never said anything to anyone because i always just thought i was really weird. i've even laughed out loud during some inappropriate times because the whole idea of sex, and procreating and filing it under "love" seems so ridiculous to me. i've been reading all sort of things on the internet and this seems to make the most sense i would love to hear how people come to terms with this, and what affect if any it has on your personal lives.. because i am okay with being asexual but it seems that its everyone else around me that has some issues. thanks for reading ;-)

-annie-

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Hello everyone,

My name is aurélie Sobocinski and I'm working for a national french newspaper called "le Journal du Dimanche". Very few people in France know about asexuality, that is why I'm looking for french people who would agree to talk to me about this way of life and it happened that they've decided to make this choice. If you could be kind enough to pass this message to those who could answer, I would really appreciate. Here's my e-mail adress: a_sobocinski@...

If there's sufficient interest in the topic, I have volunteered to facilitate a discussion at Autscape (www.autscape.org) about asexuality and asexual relationships in autistic people. Anyone have any ideas, advice, or stories they'd like me to share there?

J8

Hi, I live in Washington DC and I am a perfectly above normal asexual guy. I was wondering if there were any others in the area who would like to get together. Thanks Ed

Here's a link welcoming asexuals to the Unitarian Universalist church. Enjoy!

http://www.uua.org/obgltc/resource/asex101.html

John

The 40 Year-Old VirginRelease Date: August 19, 2005

Click here for history of Release Date Changes

Movie of the Day for Friday, August 5, 2005 See other Movies of the Day

After becoming a cult favorite thanks to his television series Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared, the multi-talented Judd Apatow took a stint as a producer on a little 2004 comedy known as Anchorman. There, he became acquainted with the scene-stealer of the movie, Steve Carell. Thanks to that fortunate meeting of the minds, the duo is now collaborating on a project of their own, giving Apatow the opportunity to direct his first ever feature film from a screenplay he co-wrote with Carell.

That movie has what is perhaps the ultimate truth-in-advertising title. The 40 Year-Old Virgin is about exactly that. Although it seems impossible in a day and age when fair percentages of ninth graders admit to having had at least oral sex, the main character, Andy Stitzer (Carell) has somehow managed to avoid intercourse during his four decades on the planet. This might make him a candidate for the Guinness Book of World Records for Oldest Living Virgin Outside a Convent or Monastery, but his friends have a lot of trouble accepting that this is Andys lot in life.

The thing is, despite the fact that Andy has so far shunned carnal delights, its not because hes a complete social outcast. Our hero has a great job at an electronics superstore, a fine apartment replete with a none-too-surprising collection of action figures and comic books, and a whole slew of friends. These friends, however, are dumbfounded when they discover that Andy really hasnt everyou know. And frankly, he doesnt seem particularly concerned if he ever has sex good or otherwise. So his friends and co-workers make it their mission to get Andy a woman, and given that Andy is a decent enough looking guy with nice manners and a pleasant demeanor, they dont believe that task will be especially difficult.

But difficult is exactly what it turns out to be, for Andy is pretty much asexual and not any too keen to be deflowered, much to the chagrin of his loyal buddies. Andy continues to decline any and all chances to get laid, and it seems all his pals efforts will be in vainuntil Andy meets Trish (Catherine Keener), a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy falls the proverbial head-over-heels for Trish, and his friends are elated that Andy will finally get some. That is, until Andy informs them that he and Trish have embarked on their relationship with a no-sex policy. Will his friends be able to convince Andy to convince Trish to rock his world? Or will Andy go to his grave never having tasted the pleasures of the flesh? (Stephanie Star Smith/BOP)

See the latest developments for this project on the The 40 Year-Old Virgin Movie News page.

Vital statistics for The 40 Year-Old Virgin Main CastSteve Carell, Catherine Keener, Seth RogenSupporting CastPaul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Kat Dennings, Marika Dominczyk, Siena Goines, Jonah Hill, Mindy Kaling, Jane Lynch, Erica Vittina Phillips, Chelsea Smith, Romany Malco, Shelley MalilDirectorJudd ApatowScreenwriterJudd Apatow, Steve CarellDistributorUniversalTrailerClick Here for Trailer Official Sitehttp://www.the40yearoldvirgin.com/RatingRScreen Count2,800 (Estimated)

2005 Box Office Prophets, a division of One Of Us, Inc.

http://www.boxofficeprophets.com/tickermaster/listing.cfm?TMID=1927

Asexuality

Aug 4, 2005 11:00 pm US/Eastern CBS Video: Natasha Brown reports a growing number people are defining themselves as asexual.Related Links

AVEN - Asexuality Visibility and Education Network

PHILADELPHIA (KYW) Some people are coming out of the closet, but they're not gay. They are asexual and they say their lack of a sex life is as normal as having sex.

David Jay considers himself an average guy. I go to my work everyday. I like to work out. I've got a whole slew of friends," he said.

Victoria Glancy considers herself average too. She likes to read, is writing a novel, and is excited about her new boyfriend. We're incredibly mushy and obnoxious and we drive all our friends crazy," she said.

There is one difference. She and her boyfriend have no interest in having sex - ever!

Jay has no interest either: Sex is never a thing that it made sense for me to do."

They are a couple of the growing number of people declaring themselves asexual. Jay even started a website - AVEN - Asexual Visibility and Education Network.

People just started pouring in from all over the world with similar experiences saying, ya know? I'm not interested in sexuality. I don't experience sexual attraction, he said.

Many people consider a lack of sex either funny or pitiful like in the upcoming movie "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." To asexuals, no sex is no joke and nothing to hide.

CBS 3s Natasha Brown reports there are so many questions swirling around this issue. Is asexuality really an orientation? Is it an undiagnosed health problem or could it be spawned by an emotional problem?

Licensed Sex Therapist Dr. Chris Fariello of the Council for Relationships explains: They're people who perhaps they believe their hormone levels are off or they have low testosterone. In some cases, that's true.

He says not all asexuals turn out to have a physical or emotional problem. I certainly think that asexuality needs to be studied a little bit more so that we can learn to understand it and certainly accept it as a distinct form of sexual orientation, he said.

Glancy says she doesn't need research to know she's fine. Im in a relationship. I met him on the site. He's asexual as well. there's just a level of intimacy there," she said.

Its intimacy without sex.

( MMV, CBS Broadcasting Inc., All Rights Reserved.) http://kyw.com/special/local_story_216105757.html

No Sex? No Problem!Growing Number Of Americans Proudly Announcing Their Asexuality

Mary Ann Childers Reporting

Video

CBS

(CBS) CHICAGO A growing number of Americans are proudly announcing -- no sex, no problem. As Medical Editor Mary Ann Childers reports, they're openly discussing their lifestyle choice.

David Jay considers himself an average guy.

"I go to my work everyday, I like to workout, I've got a whole slew of friends," Jay said.

Victory Glancy says she's just a normal girl and excited about her new boyfriend.

"We're incredibly mushy and obnoxious, and we drive all our friends crazy," Glancy said.

But this is a budding relationship with a difference. Glancy has no interest in have sex. Ever. Jay feels the same way.

Both are part of a growing number of people publicly declaring themselves asexual. Jay even started an online discussion forum: the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, or AVEN.

"People started pouring in from all over the world with similar experiences saying, you know, I'm not interested in sexuality; I don't experience sexual attraction," Jay said.

Experts say the causes of asexuality are not really known.

"We haven't had any serious empirical or scientific investigation of people with this claim," said Edward Laumann, human sexuality expert.

The University of Chicagos Laumann says it's important to rule out medical reason for a lack of sexual desire or deep-rooted emotional issues.

There are plenty of reasons why people become uninterested in sex. They can have a bad love affair. They could have been treated badly," Laumann said.

But both Glancy and Jay say they're "normal," and happy with their lives.

"There's a lot more to life than sexuality," she said.

For more information:

Edward Laumann Human Sexuality Expert University of Chicago 773-702-8691

( MMV, CBS Broadcasting, Inc. All Rights Reserved.) Related Links Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)

MMV, CBS Broadcasting, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

http://cbs2chicago.com/health/local_story_227201718.html

Hello:

My name is Jen Pifer. I am a producer with CNN and we are working on a story about Asexuals. I would love to talk with someone in your community and possibly do an on camera interview. If you are interested, please send me an email: jennifer.pifer@...

Thank you very much!

Jen Pifer

hello, Although I'm asexual I'm in the process of being a consecrated virgin through my church I was wondering if anybody else has that desire.....

kelly

hi kelly

what does that mean?

cheers

zoran

hello, Although I'm asexual I'm in the process of being a consecrated virgin through my church I was wondering if anybody else has that desire.....

kelly

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What is a consecrated virgin?

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There is 1 message in this issue.

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1. Consecrated virgin From: "kelly" <confusedone72@...>

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1

Date

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 01:08:52 -0000

From

"kelly" <confusedone72@...>

Subject

Consecrated virgin

hello, Although I'm asexual I'm in the process of being a consecrated virgin through my church I was wondering if anybody else has that desire.....

kelly

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hello, Although I'm asexual I'm in the process of being a consecrated virgin through my church I was wondering if anybody else has that desire.....

I thought Vestal Virgins went out with the Romans. What the hell is a "consecrated virgin" for, we don't have eternal flames to guard these days.

Seems to me if you want to be a virgin, just be one. It's that simple.

Therese Shellabarger - Civis Mundi - tlshell@...

Hi, Jen. There is a bigger community at the forum of www.asexuality.org if you have not checked out it yet. Many of the members here are also members there. You probably will get more responses from asexuals over there.

Hello:

My name is Jen Pifer. I am a producer with CNN and we are working on a story about Asexuals. I would love to talk with someone in your community and possibly do an on camera interview. If you are interested, please send me an email: jennifer.pifer@...

Thank you very much!

Jen Pifer

Start your day with Yahoo! - make it your home page http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

Thank you very much for your response. Would you be willing to talk with me? Our conversation would be off the record.

Thanks

Hi, Jen. There is a bigger community at the forum of www.asexuality.org if you have not checked out it yet. Many of the members here are also members there. You probably will get more responses from asexuals over there.

Hello:

My name is Jen Pifer. I am a producer with CNN and we are working on a story about Asexuals. I would love to talk with someone in your community and possibly do an on camera interview. If you are interested, please send me an email: jennifer.pifer@...

Thank you very much!

Jen Pifer

Start your day with Yahoo! - make it your home page http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

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Hi Kelly, I don't have that desire. I was wondering what kind of cerimony you are going to experience. I suppose you already had the ceremoney, so could you share with me what you did and what your experience was? I sure hope it was a blessing.

I you don't want to to send it to the list then send it my private email addy.

Jen

hello, Although I'm asexual I'm in the process of being a consecrated virgin through my church I was wondering if anybody else has that desire.....

kelly

Yahoo! Groups Links

People remain virgins for numerous reasons

IN HAMPTON ROADS: Folks say in a sex-obsessed culture, older virgins likely are more common - and more normal - than people think.

BY ALISON FREEHLING 247-4789

August 24, 2005

Before he met the right woman and had sex for the first time, one Newport News man remembers stopping on an episode of "The Montel Williams Show" during a round of channel surfing. The topic: "35 and Still a Virgin!" He watched as the guests were portrayed as freaks while the audience hooted and hollered. He was in his 30s then, and he was a virgin, too.

"I felt even more like something was wrong with me," he said. This man, who didn't want his name used, ultimately is glad he waited to have sex with the woman he married nearly 10 years ago. But he can see how the social pressures on inexperienced adults - as showcased in the popular movie, "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" - could make people question their choices or avoid asking for help to achieve sexual intimacy when it is needed.

Local therapists - while not begrudging anyone a good laugh - feel the same way.

People remain virgins into their 20s and beyond for many reasons, some more positive than others, said Susan Cummings-Nicholson, a licensed clinical social worker on the Peninsula. Some follow religious convictions or a pledge to wait until marriage (or at least love), with no regrets about their decision. Others simply are shy or haven't had the opportunity for sex, which can be just fine or a big-time bummer. While many older virgins don't fit any "repressed" or "damaged" stereotypes, some do face serious psychological barriers. The most common ones seen by local therapists are extreme social phobias, confusion about sexual preference, past physical abuse and poor body image.

"There are people who are so withdrawn and anxious that they just can't handle social contact, not even having a dating partner," Nicholson said. "Then there also are very 'normal,' healthy people who have just chosen this path on their own."

Statistics on "older virgins" are few and far between, said Rebecca Wind, a senior communications specialist at the Alan Guttmacher Institute, a New York-based nonprofit that researches reproductive health. Studies that do exist tend to be outdated and also fairly unreliable because people often lie about their sexual experiences.

That said, 69 percent of women and 64 percent of men say they've had intercourse by age 20, according to the most recent report from the Centers for Disease Control. In a separate, 1995 survey of women ages 15 to 44, just 3 percent admitted to being virgins past age 25. Another 3 percent said they had intercourse for the first time at age 23 or 24. There is no comparable set of data on men, although researchers are working on one, Wind said.

Whatever the results, older virgins likely are far more common than those numbers would suggest, experts say. Nationally, some sex therapists report a rise in adult patients upset about their lack of experience, especially men over age 30. Some of those patients even have turned to "surrogates," professionals who lend their bodies to help people work past fears of physical and emotional intimacy.

Hampton Roads therapists say a lack of sexual experience in their patients usually is secondary to problems such as childhood abuse, which require plenty of talking and time for healing. They also see more people trying to recover from bad relationships. Nicholson estimates that no more than 5 percent of her clients are virgins past their 20s.

Society tends to paint people who have failed at relationships - from getting divorced to suffering abuse - as more "normal" than people who have stayed single and celibate, said Anne Aja, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Newport News.

Still, there can be serious, crippling issues behind a lack of sexual experience, Aja said. In her practice, the most common two are struggles with homosexuality or low self-esteem because of obesity.

"If you're not comfortable with your sexual preference, you can become asexual as a way of avoiding that feeling or as an attempt to 'cure' yourself," Aja said. "If you have never had intimate relationships because of how you feel about your body, at some point you start to feel like it's too late. You grow afraid of your own ability. There is a lot of avoidance, a lot of people who feel very criticized or put down."

While Aja hasn't seen "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" yet, she said the general concept "might add to feelings of embarrassment" and hopes people who need help will ask. Across the country, some individuals and groups - some religious, some not - have expressed anger about the movie, arguing that abstention ultimately makes sex more special and prevents unwanted pregnancies and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. To be fair, the film is meant to be silly, gives its nonvirgin supporting cast plenty of "loser" qualities and ends with the title character's happiness that he waited to sleep with someone he loved. For the Newport News man who lost his virginity late, that was a good message. "I'm not saying you could do stuff and then still have a great experience later with the 'right' person," he said, "but I love the fact that I've never been with anyone else. To me, it makes it that much more special."

Copyright 2005, Daily Press

http://www.dailypress.com/features/food/dp-71497sy0aug24,1,4500045.story?coll=dp-features-taste

Adult virgin may feel ostracized

By Valerie Gibson

You're a WHAT?!

A VIRGIN? At 40 years old? Good grief! Why? What the heck is WRONG with you?

I haven't seen the movie The 40-year-old Virgin starring Steve Carell but it doesn't take much imagination to think this might be the reaction of many a single woman today if she met such a guy when dating.

Not that there's anything wrong with being a virgin, at any age, if you want to remain one. Let's face it, however, it's an unusual state to be in these sexually active times. Few people nowadays want to or manage to hang onto that pristine state beyond their late teens.

I know there's a revival in celebrating chastity by a few groups or organizations that call themselves "waiters" or something similar, and encourage young people to wait until marriage before having sex. This is nice and wholesome, even if they run a risk of finding out when it's too late that they're sexually incompatible with their partner.

Of course, there's the other side of the coin. Statistics show that young people are having sex earlier and earlier so that by the time they're in their 20s, they've often had numerous lovers. The result can be a jaded and joyless attitude towards an act that should be the opposite.

However, there's no question that for most folks in today's society, ridding themselves of what they see as the encumbrance of virginity is an essential step towards becoming a full-fledged adult.

This is, of course, primarily in most western civilizations, as there are still cultures that highly prize the virgin state in a woman or, far worse, insist she's unmarriageable and "tainted goods" if she's no longer one. In some uncivilized and evil places, she's liable to be abandoned or even killed, even if she lost her virginity as a result of rape.

However, there still lingers the outdated and unbalanced idea that a woman has to retain her virginity for as long as possible, while a man is encouraged to lose his as quickly as he can.

'Real men'

General societal concensus is that boys don't become "real" men until they've had sex. And they're supposed to have sex as soon as the opportunity arises, so to speak, in

order to get their macho seal of approval.

A 40-year-old male virgin is, therefore rare, although not unknown, and an object of derision or suspicion by both sexes.

Coming across such a man would make a modern single woman's mind whirl with astonishment, followed by curiosity. Is he a closet gay? Impotent? Suffering from a disease? Deformity? Size-sensitive? Maybe asexual? Or just a plain dork who couldn't get a date under any circumstances?

The next thought might be whether or not she is willing to set a totally inexperienced guy of that age on the path to sexual awareness by acting not only as his sexual initiator but his teacher.

Not many would be so accommodating. Most single women today have a high level of expectation about male sexual performance. Learners need not apply.

They want a man to be very skilled and knowledgable, especially about a woman's sexual needs, and are increasingly demanding in the sexual arena.

The result is that male "performance anxiety"is becoming a major problem for men who feel under intense pressure to always thrill and satisfy women in bed. This anxiety has, in fact, been blamed as one of the reasons for the unprecedented rise in impotency in men at a younger age than ever before.

If he knew what's ahead of him, the 40-year-old virgin just might want to remain one.

Copyright 2005, Canoe Inc.

http://torontosun.com/Lifestyle/Columnists/Gibson_Valerie/2005/08/30/1193533.html

No Sex

function ShowBigPic501588501589 (URLstr){previewWin = window.open (URLstr, 'ThumbnailWin', 'screenX=1, screenY=1,resizable=no,toolbar=no,scrollbars=no,width=380,height=300');previewWin.focus();} function ShowBigPic501588 (URLstr){previewWin = window.open (URLstr, 'ThumbnailWin', 'screenX=1, screenY=1,resizable=no,toolbar=no,scrollbars=no,width=380,height=300');previewWin.focus();} Teri hatcher: Too busy on 'Housewives' for sex Photo: Reuters Angelina Jolie: No sex for long stretches of time Photo: Reuters Jolie and Brad Pitt: Not even with Mr. Pitt? Photo: From 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith' "Angelina Jolie told the reporter that I have had many periods without sex. Even now, I am in a kind of interlude. I have no energy to be with any other man but my son" ","") BodyContent.replace ("(.+)$","") if (BodyContent != '') { document.all.D90DealsDiv.innerHTML = BodyContent document.all.PostSpace.innerHTML = ' ' document.all.PreSpace.innerHTML = ' ' } } catch(e){ } } //--> "Teri Hatcher, one of the stars of the successful American television series, ''Desperate Housewives,'' admitted in an interview: I have had no time in the last half year for a sex life. I am busy with filming and dont date. Its OK with me. I am not upset about it." var pTag = new RegExp('

Trend: Saying no to sex

Young, attractive, gainfully employed, socially active - and uninterested in sex: Surveys indicate incidence of asexuality in population is 1 percent. Sexologist Dr. Michal Zaides believes its closer to 10 percent of adult population. Is asexuality new social trend, or was it always there and just now coming out of closet? Ilana Messer

P{margin:0;} UL{margin-bottom:0;margin-top:0;margin-right: 16; padding-right:0;} OL{margin-bottom:0;margin-top:0;margin-right: 32; padding-right:0;}var agt=navigator.userAgent.toLowerCase();var is_major = parseInt(navigator.appVersion);var is_ie = ((agt.indexOf("msie") != -1) & (agt.indexOf("opera") == -1));var is_ie5 = (is_ie & (is_major == 4) & (agt.indexOf("msie 5.0")!=-1) ); function txt_link(type,url,urlAtts) { switch (type){ case 'external' : if( urlAtts != '' ) {var x = window.open(unescape(url),'newWin',urlAtts)} else {document.location = unescape(url);} break; case 'article' : urlStr = '/articles/0,7340,L-to_replace,00.html';url=urlStr.replace('to_replace',url); if( urlAtts == '' || !urlAtts) {document.location = url;} else {var x = window.open(url,'newWin',urlAtts)} break; case 'yaan' : urlStr = '/yaan/0,7340,L-to_replace,00.html';url=urlStr.replace('to_replace',url); if( urlAtts == '' || !urlAtts) {document.location = url;} else {var x = window.open(url,'newWin',urlAtts)} break; case 'archive_article' : urlStr = '/articles/1,7340,L-to_replace,00.html';url=urlStr.replace('to_replace',url); if( urlAtts == '' || !urlAtts) {document.location = url;} else {var x = window.open(url,'newWin',urlAtts)} break; case 'category' : urlStr = '/home/1,7340,L-to_replace,00.html'; url=urlStr.replace('to_replace',url); if( urlAtts == '' || !urlAtts) {document.location = url;} else {var x = window.open(url,'newWin',urlAtts)} break; } } function setDbLinkCategory(url) {eval(unescape(url));} A popular Israeli entertainer, recently interviewed by a womens magazine admitted she has not had sex for more than a year because she doesnt date and doesnt have a steady boyfriend.

She is pretty, has a nice figure, interviewed well and does not see her current solitary status as a big deal or something requiring therapy. She is also not embarrassed that she is sexually abstinent at this time.

Teri Hatcher , one of the stars of the successful American television series, "Desperate Housewives," admitted in an interview: I have had no time in the last half year for a sex life. I am busy with filming and dont date. Its OK with me. I am not upset about it.

And Mrs. Bush? What did Laura really mean when she recently said in front of scores of television cameras that her husband goes to bed early, like 9 p.m., and leaves her alone opposite the television?

"Cosmopolitan" views asexuality as a new social trend that has come out of the closet. In its last issue it quoted a number of film stars, models and businesswomen who said that they have not had a sexual partner for months. They did not speak about a lack of passion or emotional suffering but simply that, "this is the situation at this time."

Angelina Jolie told the reporter that I have had many periods without sex. Even now, I am in a kind of interlude. I have no energy to be with any other man but my son. Even Madonna admitted that she goes to bed now with a good book.

Do all these interviews indicate that these woman are going through a dry spell or more reflecting the fact that sex is no longer a priority for a growing group of people?

Its confusing

Asexuality is not just a womans issue. David Jay, an American from Missouri, set up an Internet forum for people who believe they are asexual. He explained that this was a new concept. He said everyone is healthy of mind and body.

They work and have social lives but have no desire to have sex with others. He denied that they were monks or are celibate for religious or other reasons.

We just dont feel that a sex life is that important or at least not a priority, Jay said.

The Internet site started with 50 people and now has some 2,500. A month ago it launched a dating site with one condition: Applicants can hug, even kiss and fondle, but no sex please.

Fear of failing

Cosmopolitan quotes two surveys done last year in England indicating that 1 percent of those asked said they are not sexually attracted to anyone.

Only 1 percent? says Dr. Michal Zaidas, psychologist and sexologist. I believe the incidence of asexuality in the West and including Israel is as much as 10 percent.

Zaidas differentiates between two types of asexuality: The first is among people from 18 to 50, who have never had sex or masturbated. This may constitute 1 percent of the population. Then there are those people of the age when they are supposed to be sexually active, who dont have sex for long periods of time - 10 years and more - often because of a personal crisis. Among this group are many married couples.

From my experience, said Zaidas, there are many people over 30 who abstain from sex. I am not including people with problems or people who suffer from depression. I am talking about active people, who work, study and are successful. They function very well, belong to different social groups and have no sex in their lives.

The main reason for avoiding sexual relations is the fear of failing.

It happens to 20-25 year olds as well. If on the basis of a failed attempt, a man has fears that he isnt good at sex - he will prefer to pass on the entire business. Zaidas says that, in a way, it reminds one of the person with two left feet who wont dance because he is afraid of everyone laughing, or those who would not dare to try painting because they havent got a stick of talent. The abstinence from sex is a kind of emotional impotence. They are people with deep performance anxiety and prefer not trying at all. Slowly, the body gets used to this and adapts itself.

Sexual frigidity

Zaides dispels the myth of sexual frigidity. She says its possible to check testosterone levels and determine if sexual abstinence is based on low levels of hormones. In her opinion ones sexual temperament develops when we believe there is a chance for sex.

We all have the potential to experience sex - but if you are convinced you are going to be a total failure, then you dont even try, she says.

Women who avoid

Many women are afraid of rejection, says Zaidas. Even young women - maybe because of an early negative experience or pain. They avoid sexual relations in order not to humiliate themselves. Regarding famous women mentioned in the article - they know the expectations of them, to be sex kittens. They cannot allow themselves to fail.

Abstinence as ideology

It becomes an ideology, Zaidas says. Its the reason people go into deep denial regarding their sexuality. They are not opposed to sex, quite the contrary. They see sex as important but they are not willing to settle for something less than fantastic. There is a reverse ideology at work here: At first, they attach great importance to sex, exaggerated even. It has to be superlative. When it isnt and it's just bodily functions between two people more or less successful, they have to emotionally equip themselves to handle it and conclude that sex is not their thing. They just rationalize it away.

Copyright Yedioth Internet.

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"I used to have to live a lie as a man. Now I have to hide the fact that I once was a man." (Illustrative photo by the interviewee.) `Now I'm really myself'By Daphna Baram "It's a disease," she said in a tone that, while resigned, contained a good deal of bitterness. "God is the one who put me into this medical situation and he is the one to whom I'll give an accounting when the final day of reckoning arrives. Religious people tell me that this situation was given to me so I would overcome it and cope with it. The way I see it, this is how I'm coping with it."

I sat across from her feeling somewhat uncomfortable. What I'd known before the interview was that she is transgendered. That just a few years ago this person had worked in high-tech in England and was married to an Israeli woman. That they had had a daughter and after they divorced, she had undergone a sex-change operation. I also knew she was being prevented from seeing her daughter, or even talk to her on the phone, under the assumption that the shock would harm the girl. All this I knew, but just five minutes after I set out on the long trip from London to the remote village where she lives, the editor called me with an update: "You should know: They say she's ultra-Orthodox now."

The ultra-Orthodox woman who sat across from me didn't seem at all at a loss for words. In a measured and patient tone, she explained how she had gone from being the son of a Christian socialist family in England, to being a Rastafarian reggae musician and then an ultra-Orthodox Jew, and finally, from being a man to a woman, without abandoning her deep religious faith. She also attributed her ardent political support for Gush Katif's "orange" settlers' camp to profound religious conviction. There was just one question that brought her up short: How would she introduce herself to her little daughter, who lives in Israel, whom she has not seen for the past three years? As "Mother"? As "Father"? And what would she say to her?

She choked up for a moment and tears welled in her eyes as she turned to gaze out the window upon the beautiful landscape. "I think that I'd talk with her about music," she said at last.

For several years now, she has had no contact with her daughter. No meetings, no phone calls. Her ex-wife, the biological mother, severed all ties between them once she learned about her former husband's intention to undergo a sex-change operation. When she last met her daughter, she was still a bearded ultra-Orthodox men. Father.

How would you introduce yourself? Are you her mother?

"I'm not her mother. I'm her biological father, and right now I'm her absent father. We'll have to find my place in her life. It's hard for me to justify, explain and understand. I'm still dealing with the change. I know that it's not easy and that the renewed encounter between us will have to be conducted with sensitivity and with all the necessary psychological support. But the earlier it's done, the easier it will be. Children accept such changes more easily than adults do. The difficulties start when the child approaches adolescence and starts to deal with his own sexuality and identity. It's clear to me that an attempt is being made here to postpone the moment of our meeting more and more, and then to argue, perhaps rightly, that it will be hard for the girl to deal with me because she's already at the age of adolescence."

She currently lives with her father. Her mother died three years ago. Her brother and his two children live nearby. "The kids are 6 and 10," she says of her nephews, "and they both related to it totally naturally. To be honest, they adjusted a lot quicker than my father, who still gets confused and addresses me or talks about me as a male. My nephews always correct him. `Grandpa, it's not "he," it's "she,"' they tell him."

She mentions the nephews to show that kids do adapt quicker, and without trauma. She talks about them and is reminded of her own daughter. How does she think the child would take such news about her biological father?

"Before the separation from her mother and the operation, I tried to lay down the groundwork, to hint to her," she says. "I'm sure that it won't stun her too much. I can't remember exactly what I said to her, but I remember what she said to me. She asked: `So you're going to be a lady?' So I must have said something that invited this response. I imagine that when her mother tells her, she'll say: `Oh, is that all? I knew that a long time ago.' But these are just fantasies that are based on my hopes."

Can you picture what your future relationship with her will be like?

"Right now I'm dealing mostly with the fact that I'm not allowed to see her and with the struggle to overturn the evil decree. I'll have enough time to think about exactly how to explain to her who I am. We have a lot in common, a lot to talk about. It hurts me that I can't be there and be part of her upbringing and her intellectual development. I have a lot to give her, but maybe that's just my ego talking."

A spiritual matter

She was born a male to parents who were "secular Anglican Christians, liberal-socialists, avowed readers of The Guardian."

When did you know that you wanted to be a woman?

"I knew from age 3 that I wanted to be a girl, but there were ups and downs in the course of my life. There were periods when I felt that this desire was dominant and when it bothered me more. I realized at a very early stage that if I played dolls with the girls, it would provoke social sanctions against me, so I played soccer, but I never liked it much. My whole family is addicted to sports. My brother is stuck in front of the television no matter what sport is on. It seemed ridiculous to me, especially the throngs of spectators at the soccer games with their scarves and their anthems. It's idiotic. But I tried to toe the line."

Were you an effeminate boy?

"I was never a big macho type, but I had a motorcycle as a teenager. It went well with the image. I wasn't one of those men with a feminine appearance, but I was still always afraid that `people would be able to tell.' That's why I grew a beard, too. I also happened to hate shaving. It's such a masculine act and it also toughens the skin."

Years of hiding behind a thick beard apparently did their part for her face: Her skin would be the envy of any woman over 30. "It's what I found when I got rid of the beard," she laughs. "It was worth it to avoid shaving all those years."

For many years, she didn't share with anyone her dream of becoming a woman. As a man, he was involved in music and wandered about with a reggae group. "I had dreadlocks all down my back and a beard to my waist," she explains. He also moved to London and worked in the computer and technical writing fields. "I was just trying to make a little money so that I could devote myself to what I really wanted to do - which was to work in music."

The involvement in reggae and the proximity to the Jamaican community brought him to the Rastafarian religion, which eventually led him to Judaism. "I read the Old Testament and came to the conclusion that the Old Testament and the New Testament didn't reconcile themselves with each other, and that Christianity, on which I was raised is, pardon me, total nonsense. I started to learn Hebrew so I could read the Bible in the original."

Do you speak Hebrew?

"Not really, but I can understand the Bible."

Her English, with its light, northern accent, is occasionally laced with Hebrew words. The next stage was conversion, through the rabbinical court of London, after intensive study. "My interest in Judaism from the start was totally spiritual and intellectual, and less social. I didn't come to this because I knew Jews or because I had Jewish friends."

He divided his time between work in technical writing and Jewish studies. "It was terrific. I worked 20 hours a week and made more than I'd ever made before, and the studies fascinated me. I had a small apartment in south London, and my desire to be a woman disturbed me less in that period. One of the indications was that I almost completely stopped dressing in women's clothes at home. I'd never gone to those kinds of clubs, but at home I would sometimes wear dresses. It's also the reason that I went along with attempts to fix me up. I thought I'd become normal."

Friends from the synagogue, Israelis, introduced him to an Israeli woman who later married him. "She called them to ask if they had an apartment to rent and they said, `No, but we've got a husband for you.' I said I wasn't interested."

So how did you end up marrying?

"They kept pushing. You know how Israelis are and how they can nag you when they want to. Also, it wasn't that I definitely didn't want to get married. I felt like my gender issues were under control, but it was a perpetual struggle to try to be normal. My ex-wife now thinks that I deceived her, but it's not true. I really believed that it was behind me, that it was in the past."

Did you tell her about your desire to be a woman?

"No, because I knew from past experience that it was a recipe for disaster. That it was ammunition that could always be used against me during an argument or quarrel. Not only did I avoid talking with her about it, I didn't talk about it with a living soul, except for when I told the rabbi about it when I was going through the conversion. I felt that I couldn't hide it if I wanted to honestly join the Jewish religion. The rabbi sent me to a psychologist who confirmed that this issue didn't affect my commitment to convert. For the rabbi, that was enough."

On the eve of your marriage, how did you see your sexual identity? Were you a homosexual?

"No, never. I had girlfriends before then. I lived for six or seven years with a Jamaican girl. I didn't have a problem functioning as a man. I'm almost certainly an asexual person in general. I'm not particularly attracted to men or women and sex isn't a subject that especially interests me. I don't have a lot of sex drive in any direction."

What makes a person without a sex drive go through such a radical thing as a sex change?

"A lot of people mistakenly think that transgenderism is motivated by strong sexual drives, but they're totally missing the point. The question isn't to whom you're attracted or if you're attracted, but who you are. Who do you think you are? With whom do you identify? What is your `identity of origin,' as one of my psychologists called it. When all the costumes are stripped from you - nationality, work, language - what's left in the end is this identity. It can't be changed. For me, it's something that always floats on the surface when things aren't working out."

Like a Shas MK

In the wedding pictures, he is escorted by his parents, who are both much shorter than he is. His mother wears a hat and a flowered dress, in keeping with British custom; his father smiles shyly. The groom's beard, which in earlier pictures hung to his knees in Elijah-the-prophet style, was trimmed for the occasion. He strongly resembles a Shas MK.

The marriage was not a great success: "She complained that I didn't give her enough attention. Judaism was the only thing we had in common. She wasn't especially religious when we met, but she became more so, following me. I felt that I was giving up more and more - with respect to my studies, where we lived, music and reading. She worked at odd jobs before the marriage and then she stopped working. And then she wanted us to move to Israel. I agreed in the hope that there she would find employment and I'd have more space."

The couple moved to Israel, but he was dissatisfied with the work situation. "I had 12 years of experience in technical writing and they expected me to start from the beginning and earn a sixth of what I was making in London. The attitude was humiliating."

She decided to keep on working in London and to live in both cities. "I worked for a large computer company and I had a very good contract that enabled me to work part of the time from home, so I would be in London for two weeks and then spend a week at home. It paid financially despite all the flights."

How did your wife and daughter manage with the distance?

"My wife and I grew further apart. The contract in London ended and I got another job in a different computer company in Europe. It was a less convenient arrangement in terms of the traveling, though the salary was more or less the same. I had to fly to Israel every Friday, an hour before the start of Shabbat, and fly back very early Monday morning to get there on time for work. To make up the lost work hours, I used to work every day until 10 at night. It was exhausting, married life was difficult and I got less and less support in my marriage. I got tired. The signs of distress surrounding my sexual identity reappeared."

Thoughts of suicide

On her 40th birthday, she sat in a small apartment in a European city waiting for a congratulatory phone call from her wife and daughter, and the phone didn't ring. "It was obvious that divorce was just a matter of time. I knew that it couldn't go on this way. The issue of sexuality again became oppressive and disturbing. I couldn't talk about it with my wife. As it was, we had our knives drawn and it would just have given her ammunition against me.

"One night I was sitting in my car near my office and I thought about pressing on the gas pedal, driving into the wall in front of me and committing suicide. A lot of transgenders kill themselves out of distress, alienation and loneliness. I was always afraid of it also because of the lifestyle that often entails change: a life of prostitution, of struggling for survival. But now I understood that something had to change, transgenderism was again rearing its ugly head, and I had to do something about it.

"I started going to psychotherapy. I didn't specifically plan to undergo a sex change, and if things with my wife hadn't reached a crisis, I might not have done it, but she was also fed up with the marriage and asked for a divorce. In July 2001 the psychologists diagnosed me as suffering from a sexual identity disorder - in laymen's terms, as a transsexual. It's an illness and it has a cure. The only recognized cure today is a sex-change operation."

Did the diagnosis come as a relief to you?

"Certainly. At last I had a disease with a name and a defined solution."

How did your parents react?

"My parents were visiting me at the time I was diagnosed, and I told them everything. They weren't thrilled about it, but they were already used to me doing strange things. Also, the fact that it was a medical condition made it easier for them to accept. They told me that they would support me, whatever I did."

And at work?

"After the divorce, I started to plan the transformation. I talked with my boss at the computer company and she said that she had no problem with it; that the company encourages difference and diversity among its employees. The plan was to have the operation in the spring. I was supposed to leave for my Passover vacation as a man and come back to work afterward as a woman. And that's what happened, but when I came back, my boss wasn't there anymore. She'd gotten sick. One member of the team had been put in charge of the department and she decided to get rid of me.

"Within a few weeks of the surgery, my world fell apart. I was unemployed, stuck in a forgien city with hormonal treatments and I couldn't find a job. I borrowed money on the assumption that I would soon find work. And then I found out that my mother was dying of cancer. The doctors estimated that she had six months to live."

The court rules

Meanwhile, things in Israel were getting more complicated as well. From the time of the divorce up until the surgery, she had paid alimony as required and regularly came to Israel and stayed in a hotel. "My wife would bring our daughter to me and we would spend the weekend together. On Sunday mornings, I'd take her to kindergarten and then fly back to Europe."

Confident that the divorce issues were all settled, she gave in to her wife's pressure and confessed her intention to change her gender. "As soon as I did, my fate was sealed." From that moment on the ex-wife has prevented any contact between the father who changed his gender and their child.

After her mother's death, she returned to England to live with her father. She couldn't find work and and in her current financial situation, she cannot come to Israel anyway; all she wants is to talk on the phone with the child. Every so often she is able to get a contract to work from home, but her income is very limited and she is dependent on her father. For two years now, she hasn't made the alimony payments of approximately 500 pounds sterling (over NIS 4,000) a month. Now she is seeking the legal advice of an English-born Israeli lawyer Jonathan De Frece (see box).

In the meantime, the daughter is growing up and drawing closer to adolescence. Her renewed acquaintance with her father will only become more difficult, not only because of the sex change, but because of the length of time that has passed since they last met. The woman who was her father believes that this is precisely the other side's objective.

"The last time I saw my daughter was a few years ago, and the last time I spoke with her on the telephone was about a year after that, and since then I haven't been able to call. I sent her a few packages together with my father. My wife wrote to my father and thanked him for the packages and sent a picture of the girl. I received another picture, from about a year ago, from a relative of my wife. I don't even know where she goes to school."

One-woman seder

She did not receive a rabbi's blessing before undergoing her sex-change operation. "I have a friend in Jerusalem who is a rabbi and he suggested that I speak with a rabbi in Efrat who he said had experience in these things, but I thought that he would only try to persuade me not to have the surgery. As I saw it, there was no point in trying to convince me that I wasn't in a special medical situation that required an operation."

Why did you remain religious?

"Why not? I believe in God and I believe in the Jewish religion. I know that the sex-change operation entails the transgression of several commandments, but first of all, these are not commandments whose transgression merits death, unlike Shabbat observance, for example, and second, there's no reason that a person who has transgressed certain commandments should be obligated by other ones. I observe Shabbat, keep kosher and pray."

Are you a member of a community? Do you have a rabbi?

"This is an isolated village. The only synagogue is 15 kilometers away and they only have services on Shabbat and holidays. Actually, it's not just the distance - the distance is almost reasonable - but I don't yet want to deal with exposure to the community. I don't want to embarrass other people, to look for trouble. Maybe some day, if I move back to a big city, to London or Manchester, I'll want to be involved in the community again."

What do you do on Shabbat and holidays?

"I'm alone. I light candles, observe the holiday. For the last seder I was here alone. I held a seder by myself. I was supposed to be the guest of some friends in London, but someone in the community found out and talked to them. They didn't cancel the invitation, but they told me that they'd had an unpleasant conversation with this person and I decided to spare them the embarrassment and to cancel my visit."

She is in touch with a number of Jewish transgenders in the world via the Internet. "It's not a huge community, but there are some other people like me. One of the reasons that I'm talking about it today, beyond the struggle over my right to see my daughter, is my solidarity with these people. It can't go on this way. In the end, they'll have to come out. I know a transgender who went from being a woman to being a man and is now learning at a yeshiva in Israel. No one knows about him. It's a life of absolute and unjustified loneliness. The halakha (Jewish law) has found a way to deal with all kinds of illnesses. The time has come to deal with this, too. It's pikuah nefesh (a matter of life and death)."

Only the lies have changed

Thunder starts to rumble in the afternoon and a summer storm shakes the trees. "I'm ambivalent about the rural areas of England," she says. "On the one hand, you have all of this beauty, but on the other, there's the middle-class provinciality and conservatism. There's no culture here, there's no music, and whenever they do bring something in from London it's always boring and predictable."

Do you go out? Do you have any kind of social life?

"Once in a while. For example, this evening I'm going to the local pub and participating in a jam session. It's nice actually - everyone brings his instrument and plays with total spontaneity. It's been years since I had a band, but I grew up in the time when the whole reggae scene and the punk and rock scene were booming all over England. It was a fascinating time, culturally and politically."

There's something a little odd about listening to an ultra-Orthodox woman knowledgeably analyzing the political and musical nuances of The Clash. When I comment on this, she smiles.

Since the operation, have you had any romantic relationships?

"No, and I'm also not interested in that kind of connection. I'm not missing a mate. I just want to be left in peace, to make my music. I'm happier than I ever was, and I admit that that's not saying much. It's simply the right thing. I'm living in my true body now. I'm not a pretty woman and I don't have a pretty voice, but now I'm myself. It's an awful cliche, but I feel at one with the universe. I feel much more self-confidence from inside and much less from outside. When I was a man, I fit into the surroundings, but I was foreign to myself from inside. Now I feel the opposite. Inner peace, but a lack of confidence in my body, in my appearance, externally."

Welcome to the woman's world.

"Yes, apparently it comes with the hormones. In the end, all that changed is the type of lies I have to tell the world. I used to have to live a lie as a man. Now I have to hide the fact that I used to be a man. It's all the same."

Where do you see yourself in another 10 years?

"Wow, I never thought I'd even reach this age. In 10 years my daughter will not be a minor anymore. I hope that she'll be here with me, or at least that I'll have regular contact with her. It's strange: When I was a man, I could imagine myself as an old and shrunken Jewish man with a long white beard. But since the change, I haven't been able to imagine myself as a shrunken old woman with long white hair."

Copyright var nYear = new Date();nYear = nYear.getFullYear();document.write (nYear); 2005 Haaretz. http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/620113.html

Savage Love by Dan Savage September 6th, 2005 1:00 PM

Q. How can I tell if I'm asexual? Is it a legitimate orientation, or am I just a seething ball of neuroses? Sex does nothing for me. I can't orgasm (even when I attempt masturbation), so my husband doesn't go there. That's fine by me. I hate my people parts. At any rate, I apparently perform good fellatio, so the no-intercourse thing isn't such an issue. My marriage seems fine; we laugh and share the same lefty values and cuddle. When he has needs he fondles my breasts and nuzzles me; this indicates "go down on me now, please." So I do. However, I feel nothing. Is that normal? I'm well-adjusted otherwise, a productive member of society and all that. I am cheerful, good-humored, and pretty too. Are some people simply not wired to be into sex? I'm certainly into love. I feel very passionate about my husband and my friends, but it's completely cerebral. If it's of any use, I'm 31 and I dislike pooping too. Basically: Am I fucked-up? Is it OK to not be sexual? Should my sorry butt be in therapy? Insert Name Here A. After the results of a study on asexuality were published in the Journal of Sex Research in August 2004, a new sexual-minority group began taking its turn upon the wicked stage. Everyone from the BBC to Salon to the New Scientist weighed in on the 1 percent of the population that, according to U.K. researchers, "had never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all." The go-to guy for quotes and insights into asexuality was David Jay, a 23-year-old asexual from St. Louis and the founder of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org). We'll get to Jay's insights into your case in a second, INH, but first I have to say that asexuality, as I understand it, is an indifference to sex. Reading your letter, I didn't sense indifference, just disgustwith people parts, with pooping. There's asexuality and then there's being repulsed by sex, known as "sexual aversion disorder." That's a horse fucker of a different color. So, yeah, I would describe you as fucked-up and order you to get your sorry butt into therapy. For a second opinion we turn now to David Jay: "Show me anyone, sexual or asexual, who isn't in some way fucked-up and I'll gag," says Jay. "The question she should be asking herself is not 'Am I fucked-up?' but 'Do I need sex to be happy?' It doesn't sound like she does, but the question is probably worth exploring with a best friend and a six-pack. If she concludes that she needs sex in her life, then there's an industry that will be more than happy to serve her." But if you conclude that sex just isn't for you, Jay would advise you to take stock of your situation from a nonsexual standpoint. "You've got what sounds like a great husband who you love and great friends. Instead of focusing your energy on worrying about sex (which up to now has been nothing but boring), focus on further exploring the things that you actually find pleasurable." And your husband's needs? "I wouldn't be that worried about your husband," Jay says. "If he had some overwhelming need to have more sex he probably would have mentioned it by now." Hmm. I respectfully dissent. While it's possible that your husband is content with the odd perfunctory blowjob, it's more likely that he doesn't press the matter because he loves you. But he probably misses women's people parts, INH, and one day the opportunity to fuck the shit out of another woman's people parts is going to present itself and he'll seize it. And this, I think, will be the ultimate test of your asexual cred. If you don't think sex is important, then it shouldn't matter to you if your husband does this hugely unimportant thing with someone else every once in a while.

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Asexuality

For humans, being asexual does not mean having an ability to clone yourself on the spot like an amoeba. For the most part, it also does not mean to have no sexual organs. So what, exactly, is it?

The definition of Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction.

A study published by the New Scientist magazine in October, 2004 estimated that 1% of the human population is asexual, and confirmed the existence of asexuality in both humans and other animals.

Asexuality As An Orientation

Asexuality is seen by most asexuals as an orientation in its own right. After all, there is sexual attraction to the opposite gender, the same gender, and both genders, so why not also neither gender?

Some asexuals do not consider asexuality an orientation because it is more of a lack of orientation. They do not feel that they have a sexual orientation at all.

As asexuals are a sexual minority, this places asexuality firmly within the 'queer'1 movement. However, many asexuals lead a conventionally straight life and some individual asexuals do not feel they are a part of the 'queer' movement at all.

Shortened Name

As all other orientations have a shortened name, so does asexuality. Commonly it is 'A' although some people prefer 'Ace'.

Why Call It Asexuality?

Many people wonder why asexuality is so called, as they reason that an asexual person would not wish to define themselves in relation to sex or a sexuality. However, imagine being asexual, having no sexual attraction to either gender, for your entire life. People will be interested in why you aren't dating, so they ask 'Are you hetero, homo or bi?' What can you say in reply? 'I'm not sexual' is the answer, but then you have defined yourself in relation to sex. Simply saying 'None of the above' will prompt the question 'So what are you then?' to which you have to reply with the aforementioned answer.

Love

Asexuals are capable of love. Romantic attraction is separate from sexual attraction, and it is something that many asexuals feel. Some asexuals talk of a 'romance drive', meaning that they feel compelled to form a close romantic relationship with a partner.

A romance drive is not connected to sexual attraction or behaviour, it is more of a desire to form a close relationship with someone. This is possible just as it is possible for parents to love their offspring in a non-sexual manner.

Romantic Orientation

Asexuals who have a romance drive can also identify themselves as straight, gay or bi, depending on the gender of person they usually feel romantically attracted to. Romantic orientation is different to sexual orientation, so a gay asexual person remains asexual even though they prefer to form relationships with the people of the same gender.

Asexual Relationships

Most asexual relationships would be looked upon by outsiders as just being very close friends, and indeed in a lot of cases that is true. These asexuals form close friendships with people, but feel no need to go any further. However, for some asexuals a relationship is a lot more than just friendship. These asexual relationships can be very intimate, but the intimacy is not sexual in nature. Asexuals in these relationships consider that they are 'more than just friends' with their significant other, so close is their relationship.

Some asexual relationships can also include physical contact of a sexual nature2. Most physical asexual relationships focus more on hugging and stroking than sex, however there are asexuals who do enjoy sexual sensations and acts.

Many sexual people do not understand how a relationship can work without sex as they see sex as a necessary expression of love. For asexuals, sex is not an expression of love at all and to many the idea that it is seems foreign. To help differentiate, if sex is a necessary expression of love, then prostitutes are the most loving people in the world.

Sex

Just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they don't have sex or can't enjoy it: asexuality only means that they are not sexually attracted to people. A good proportion of asexuals have tried sex. As asexuals are otherwise normal people they are physically capable of sex, and some asexuals enjoy sexual arousal. Those asexuals who do have sex or masturbate do not think about people during the act; some enjoy the sensation, some have a fetish, and some just let their minds wander and work out what tomorrow's dinner will be or when the car should next be serviced.

Many asexuals who try sex find it disappointing, and some find the idea of sex absolutely repulsive. Many asexuals do not masturbate and derive no pleasure from any sexual act.

Sexual Arousal

Many sexual people find the concept of sexual attraction difficult to separate from the concept of sexual arousal and assume that they are the same, and therefore anyone who experiences sexual arousal must also experience sexual attraction. This is not true. As an example, many sexual people are sexually aroused by leather, but they are not sexually attracted to leather.

Sex Drive

Some asexuals do have a sex drive. This idea can also be difficult for sexual people to understand. A sex drive is a desire for sexual arousal, not a desire to feel sexual attraction. The difference here can be highlighted by masturbation: people who masturbate by the application of their hand or other object do not feel sexual attraction to that object, but do it because they feel a need for arousal.

Some asexuals who have a sex drive satisfy themselves only by masturbation; these can come under the title of autosexual. Autosexual does not mean that a person loves themselves sexually, merely that they have no wish to have sex with another person, but still feel the desire to experience arousal. Other asexuals who have a sex drive prefer to satisfy themselves by sharing sex with a partner.

Sexual Relationships

It is entirely possible for an asexual to have a sexual relationship. As stated above, some asexuals do enjoy the sexual sensations and therefore will happily engage in a sexual relationship. Some asexuals are not too bothered about sex, but will go through with it because they like giving pleasure to their partner, and others will because they love their partner and are willing to have sex in order to stay with them. Not all asexuals, however, will be willing to do this. Many do not enjoy any sexual act at all (including kissing), so no matter how much they love their partner, sex will be totally out of the question and they have rigidly defined and defended no-go zones.

Marriage

Many asexuals are in sexual marriages, and there are just as many reasons for an asexual to marry as there are for sexual people. In many cases marriage has happened because the asexual person assumed that they must be sexual, since they have never heard that it is possible not to be sexual. Then there are those who love their partner so much they are willing to compromise by having sex just to stay with their partner. Some want children and want their children to grow up in a traditional family group, and some have been forced into it by their religion and family.

Why Are Asexuals Making Such A Fuss?

A lot of people, sexual and asexual alike, do not understand why some asexuals are making such a big deal out of what they see as a non-issue. If you feel no desire for something, why shout about it? There are no a-football groups.

Being Asexual

The world is sex-mad. Sex permeates every part of the world, it is in songs, books, films, radio, television, adverts, billboards, comics, art and shops. Couples are everywhere, and most people talk about sex and sexual relationships every day. Our culture is screaming at everyone to find their perfect mate, settle down and start a family. Many people, not just asexuals, are constantly hounded by family and friends asking when they are going to find a partner and settle down. For some asexuals it is difficult to relate to most entertainment and many friends because either courting or sex are such large parts of them. In this climate, it is very difficult to ignore the fact that sex and sexuality exist. All that may not be obvious to sexuals, but to asexuals it is blindingly obvious.

Isolation

Because of living in such an over-sexed culture that is today's world, many asexuals feel isolated. As asexuality is so rarely heard of and is largely unknown, young asexuals growing up notice that they are different to their peers and assume that they are horribly broken, deficit in some way, and need to be 'cured'. This can lead to self-loathing and withdrawal from society. It often leads to experimentation with sex when the asexual concerned has no sex drive, and individuals can often emerge traumatised.

Another reason for isolation is religion. Certainly, mainstream Christians do not have a problem with asexuals, but some see sex as a gift of God that should be used. Many other religions (Mormons, Islam) see it as the duty of all humans to procreate and view not wishing to do so as a sin.

This isolation is why many asexuals feel that they need to spread the word - they have gone through years of self-hate, traumatising sexual experiences, and being told repeatedly that they need medical help. When they hear about asexuality, having found that they are not abnormal after all, they do not want anyone else to have to go through it too. Spreading the word, of course, means making a fuss to get yourself seen and understood by media.

Why Do Asexuals 'Come Out'?

Many families and friends constantly hound both sexuals and asexuals to find a partner, and often to settle down and have children. For some asexuals this can be completely out of the question. Many asexuals find it easier to blend in with society by pretending to be sexual, by nodding in agreement of Kylie being hot, or by laughing at sexual jokes, and in this case they are effectively hiding the truth. In any case, 'coming out' can be very helpful for asexuals, as if their family and friends understand then they will no longer be hounded to pair up or be expected to join in sexual conversations.

For some asexuals it is not an issue, either they are lucky enough to have very accepting (or asexual) family and friends, or they just never find themselves in a situation where they are expected to discuss sex.

What Causes Asexuality?

Nothing is yet known to cause asexuality. Examples of common assumptions of causes are:

Abuse - Abuse is not known to cause asexuality. It may cause repulsion, hatred or fear of sex, but not asexuality. Almost all abuse victims turn out to be sexual, and those who don't weren't sexual to begin with.

Hormonal or Chemical Imbalances - While some drugs do repress libido, and pregnant and pre-natal women lack a sex drive, hormonal problems are rarely the cause of asexuality. Many asexuals have gone through rigorous tests which conclude that their hormones are completely normal.

Genes - Scientists may have found a 'gay gene' which increases the chances of the carrier being gay. There is no known 'asexuality gene' but the possibility does exist.

Social Recluse - Asexuals are normal people. Some of them are popular, some aren't, some are extroverts, some introverts, and of course some are very withdrawn. It is possible that there is a higher percentage of asexual introverts than sexual introverts, but that is probably caused by the asexuality: most people naturally become withdrawn from the world if they don't fit in. In Internet asexual communities most of the asexuals are introverts, but this is probably because all the extroverts are out and too busy with their social lives to visit the Internet very much. This is noticeable in a great majority of Internet communities including h2g2.

Fear Of Relationships - Also trust issues. A fear or relationships or a lack of trust does not lead to a lack of sexual attraction. These issues are separate to asexuality. They can coexist with asexuality, just as sexual people also have these problems.

Some not-so-commonly touted reasons:

Premature Birth - The theory was that premature babies may not have had their full quota of sexual hormones while in the womb. This one was quickly ruled out as research showed that although many asexuals were premature, some were full term and many others were beyond full term.

Oldest Child - An Internet poll with 53 respondents interestingly shows that 49% of asexuals are the oldest child in a family. This should not be taken as any evidence, however, as there is simply not enough data collected on the subject.

Death of a Loved One - As a child, the death of a family member or close friend can be very traumatic, and it was speculated that this could lead to asexuality. However, most children who have suffered a loss grow up to be sexual.

What Asexuality Isn't

On first hearing about asexuality many sexual people fail to comprehend what asexuality is. So here are common misconceptions about asexuality:

Celibacy - Celibacy is a choice not to have sex. Asexuality is not a choice but an orientation, and whilst some asexuals do not have a sex drive, others do.

A disorder - Asexuality is just another orientation. Whilst some people still have a problem with the existence of more than one orientation, it is widely accepted that there are more. Asexuals are just like any other people, and come from all walks of life, all countries, and all religions. Asexuals are just as mentally balanced as the rest of the human race.

Homosexuals in hiding - Asexuals are not claiming to be asexuals because they are homosexual and don't want to admit it. Homosexuals who don't want to admit it, like asexuals who don't want to admit to it, tend to claim that they are heterosexual. To claim to be asexual would draw close scrutiny of their sexuality and sex life, which is the last thing someone who wants to stay in the closet wants.

A late bloomer - Asexuality is usually a lifelong thing; if you are born asexual you will stay asexual, and most asexuals do. Most, because as with other sexualities, some people do drift into a different sexuality. It is possible to both become asexual having been sexual, and become sexual having been asexual. If you are 13 and haven't felt sexual attraction then you could be a late bloomer. If you are 20, you are very probably asexual.

Frigidity - Frigidity is sexual unresponsiveness. Asexuality is an orientation, and those asexuals who have a sex drive do enjoy sex. It is, of course, possible to be both asexual and frigid, but neither implies the other.

Sexual repression - People who are sexually repressed are still sexual, however deeply they have buried their sexual feelings. Asexuals are not sexually repressed, but merely feel no sexual attraction.

Fear of sex - Asexuality is an orientation, not a fear. Some asexuals have and enjoy sex, others do not because they have no sex drive.

Only for women - Both men and women can be asexual. Currently the statistics show that more asexuals are women, but that could be simply because less men wish to admit to it.

Nature's way of controlling population - This was also thought of homosexuals, but studies have shown that even in endangered species there are homosexual specimens. Other studies have shown that the existence of homosexuality is an evolutionary advantage as it means there are a few adults around without offspring who can devote more time and energy to looking after nephews and nieces, and the same could be said for asexuality. There is no reason to believe that asexuality is a way of controlling population, particularly as some asexuals do enjoy sex and do have children.

A hormonal problem - Although this may be true for a small number of people, it is not the case for most asexuals. Many asexuals have gone through many tests to identify hormonal problems, to find that levels were completely normal.

Social retardedness - Asexuals are normal people. Some of them are popular, some aren't, some are extroverts, some introverts, and of course some are very withdrawn.

Ugliness - Asexuals do not choose to identify as asexual because they are ugly or 'can't get any'. Just like the rest of the human race, some asexuals are beautiful, most are average, and some aren't so good-looking.

Pickiness - It is not that asexuals are very picky about who they date. Many just don't feel the need to date anyone, and those who do date are only picky about sexual activity.

Religiousness - Some asexuals are religious, some very religious, and others are not at all religious. Some statistics suggest that asexuals are more likely to be religious.

Asexual Responses To Common Statements And Questions Made By Sexuals

When an asexual 'comes out' to a sexual person, there are many responses widely reported by asexuals that shows that the sexual person just doesn't understand or wasn't listening. These are some of those responses and some asexual replies:

Asexuality doesn't exist. Why not? How can you know someone better than they do? What makes you the authority on other people's feelings?

Are you gay? Possibly, but not necessarily. See above 'Homosexuals in hiding' under 'What Asexuality Isn't'.

You need to see a doctor. Asexuality is not a medical problem, nor is it a disorder. See above 'A disorder' and 'A hormonal problem' under 'What Asexuality Isn't'.

Were you abused? Asexuality does not seem to have any obvious causes. Abuse can obviously lead to repulsion, hatred or fear of sex, but not to asexuality.

You don't know what you're missing. Some asexuals do have sex, some do masturbate. Some asexuals with no sex drive have tried sex. They do know what they're missing and are quite content that they're not having it. Those asexuals who have not tried sex realise that they don't know what it's like, but they have no desire to find out. One such asexual remarked it's like algebra. I understand the concept, but have no interest and indeed asexuals will draw an analogy with many things - baseball, synchronised swimming, playing a harmonica, or sky-diving. They understand what it means and how it's done, but have no interest in anything to do with it.

You just haven't met the right person yet, or you're just a late bloomer. Asexuality is for life, not just for childhood. See above 'A late bloomer' under 'What Asexuality Isn't'. Most sexuals are aware from their early teens that they are sexual, and most know what their orientation is. Surely an asexual person, just the same as heterosexual person, is allowed to state that they are asexual when they are. Just because they might not always be doesn't stop them being asexual at that point in time.

No, really, everyone's sexual. You just haven't met the right person. Everyone isn't sexual, asexuals are not sexual. For many asexuals, the right person wouldn't want sex either.

You've obviously never had me, f'naar f'naar. Anyone who does not find you sexually attractive is not likely to date you just to find out if you can make them find you sexually attractive. Asexuality, like heterosexuality, is not something that needs to be 'cured'.

You must be very religious. Asexuality is nothing to do with religion. Some asexuals are religious, some aren't. See above 'Religiousness' under 'What Asexuality Isn't'.

It's unnatural. If it was unnatural it wouldn't exist, but there are scientific studies of other animals to prove that it does exist3.

You're just making it up to make yourself feel special. If someone were doing that, surely they would choose something that didn't open them up to criticism? Many asexuals have been laughed at and even shunned for letting people know of their asexuality. Anyone needing to feel special is probably insecure and will not want that to happen.

OK, that's fine. Hurrah, you understand! You're wonderful!

1 Queer does not just mean homosexual men. Queer envelopes all sexualities that are not heterosexuality. 2 For the purposes of this article a 'sexual act' includes kissing, and touching and stroking regions that normal friends do not. 3 If you persist in objecting to things because they are unnatural, perhaps you should stop using all modern commodities (like shops, supermarkets, electricity, clean water, toilets, vehicles, soap, clothes, etc) as they are all entirely unnatural.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A4455263

Asexuality

<snip>

Well, sometimes I see someone trying to explain asexuality saying things that don't make sense to me, but this one makes sense. It's like a sum total of traits, if you have enough of them, the "label" fits, but each person could have a different set of traits adding up to the same thing.

So everyone has their own "flavor" of (a)sexuality and that's cool.

Therese Shellabarger - Civis Mundi - [email protected]