Haven for the Human Amoeba

I sometimes do these quizes as a form of entertainment. Mostly to see how clever they are. Most of them are completely sexual centric, but as I was taking this one, I noticed the questions and answers were actually clever. For the most part, you had a way out of any of them. "I prefer my partner to be: " Intelligent/Attractive/Good in bed. Well, intelligent would be the obvious choice for me, and technically the partner part could become non-sexual at that point.

Well, imagine my surprise when I got to the end of the test and it said: "We think you are an Asexual!"

So here is the link, to the first "Sexual Orientation" quiz that I have ever seen that acknowledges asexuality:

<a href=http://www.burlyadventurer.com/quiz/index.tcl?gay target=new>http://www.burlyadventurer.com/quiz/index.tcl?gay</a>

Perhaps I should have given more background info. Eiji and I have had the same conversation probably 10 times before (that may be an exaggeration, but I assure you that the number is 5 at least).

In each of those conversations, he has asked the same questions. In each of those conversations, I have tried to help him. Really. I have told him to find common interests with people, not to assume that all women are out to get him. I felt that was his biggest problem. He appeared to imagine "looks of hatred" on sight. I'm not the most socially adept person out there - I have a few friends, but there have been times in my life when I've felt that people didn't like me when really all it was was my own insecurities. If you stop and think about what you're doing and try to rationalize it (in my case, I couldn't. In Eiji's, he couldn't either.) then you try to break yourself of that habit the ways you break yourself of any other habit. You just try and quit. You talk to people about it, but you have to listen as well. Even if it scares you.

Eiji was using me as some sort of sponge to absorb his whining. He wouldn't consider changing. That's why I gave him hell for asking "to what?" Obviously, if he's unhappy, and he wants to change, the answer to his question would be "change to whatever would you happy". Not exactly brain surgery. That's all I was getting at. If you don't know what would make you happy, you've got no use whining. People who have never seen a television will never complain about not having one. If I don't know what good food tastes like, I won't complain when bad-tasting food is put in front of me. My point is that if you don't know what you want, how do you know that you don't want what you have? Even if your fantasy appears intangible, like being a rock star, go for it. Everyone's got something. He would only say he would try to change, just so that -someone- would listen to him whining.

I was telling him to shut up because I'd heard the same stories many, many times, and he was using them as a barrier. So, with that, I say that NO, I have not come to the same conclusion with you. I am right. Not necessarily nice, but right all the same. Note- I really am nice, I'm one of the nicer people I know. But...I have a very low tolerance for idiocy.

Drksparkle, motivational speaker extrordinaire

I've read plenty of Eiji's posts, and I've read plenty of Dr. Sparkle's posts, and what the whole thing comes down is the simple question of 'Who am I?"

It seems eiji is the ultimate cynic, the epitomy of pessimism, while Dr. Sparkle is a lot more optimistic. There's no way these 2 could have had an intelligent conversation. Its like oil and water, they don't mix. Though I agree with Dr. Sparkle's position on Eiji's view of life, I'm not sure about her decision to remove him. What good did that really do? None really. Eiji posted stuff, and he got a lot of people emotional, and emotions are what makes us human. Whatever.

I sometimes do these quizes as a form of entertainment. Mostly to see how clever they are. Most of them are completely sexual centric, but as I was taking this one, I noticed the questions and answers were actually clever. For the most part, you had a way out of any of them. "I prefer my partner to be: " Intelligent/Attractive/Good in bed. Well, intelligent would be the obvious choice for me, and technically the partner part could become non-sexual at that point.

Well, imagine my surprise when I got to the end of the test and it said: "We think you are an Asexual!"

So here is the link, to the first "Sexual Orientation" quiz that I have ever seen that acknowledges asexuality:

<a href=http://www.burlyadventurer.com/quiz/index.tcl?gay target=new>http://www.burlyadventurer.com/quiz/index.tcl?gay</a>

Just had Big Asexuality Lecture mark 1, a little over 70 people showed up and it went over fairly well. People seemed interested, and seemed to consider it a relevant topic, though some were scratching their heads through parts. People liked it on the whole, about 10 people came up afterward and said that they wanted to work with me to plan more asexuality stuff in the future, so that's good. I still don't have a good sense of how it went over (in terms of what people got from it), so I'll have to wait and see about that. But asexual activism officially works. Woohoo. May this be the beginning of a Booker T. Washington-esque empire, muhahahaetc. Anyhoo, thought you'd like to know. I'm curious what people think about the general notion of going out and sowing ideas of asexuality from the rooftops, good idea/bad idea/important idea?

Just had Big Asexuality Lecture mark 1, a little over 70 people showed up and it went over fairly well. People seemed interested, and seemed to consider it a relevant topic, though some were scratching their heads through parts. People liked it on the whole, about 10 people came up afterward and said that they wanted to work with me to plan more asexuality stuff in the future, so that's good. I still don't have a good sense of how it went over (in terms of what people got from it), so I'll have to wait and see about that. But asexual activism officially works. Woohoo. May this be the beginning of a Booker T. Washington-esque empire, muhahahaetc. Anyhoo, thought you'd like to know. I'm curious what people think about the general notion of going out and sowing ideas of asexuality from the rooftops, good idea/bad idea/important idea?

Girltech- you're in the air force? Or are my acronyms messed up? Didn't realize that. I feel like any reasons that they would be for asexuality are not ones that we necessarily want.

Anyhoo, back in peace-movement-land I just got back from the Wesleyan Queer retreat, which was extremely good (despite marginalizing asexualitya good deal), and has me thinking alot about asexuality from a queer radical sex politics perspective. Not that we should necessarily all go chalk "fuck sex" in the streets and make a point of laughing out loud whenever people in movies kiss, but alot of queer politics (as distinguished from gay rights politics) is about questioning social ideas around relationships and sexuality as being cauhgt up in this very defined heterosexual norm that, in the end, isn't really helping anybody. Asexuality, of course, fits right in to this idea (if it takes half a minute of thought to realize whu asexuality is "sexually radical") with its inherint statements about relationships and the ncessity of things like sexual affection. So, talking about asexuality isn't just important to us, and it isn't just important to the asexual people out there who are struggling for a vocabulary and a community. EVERYONE can benefit from the idea that they don't have to form sexual relationships with people to be intimate with them, which is why I think talking critically about asexuality and what it implies about sexuality is an extremely important thing to do, and (possibly) something we should talk about on this forum. It seems like alot of people are saying that asexuality isn't something that they are comfortable discussing (or identifying as) publicly, and I feel like that's an important thing to talk about. Not to say that everyone should be chest-thumping and screaming asexuality from the rooftops, but I'm curious why people are uncomfortable about being thought of as asexual, or with asserting things abotu asexuality.

"but I'm curious why people are uncomfortable about being thought of as asexual,"

I'm uncomfortable admitting it, or talking about it because sex is the coin with which you pay for devotion/commitment. If you say you're asexual, people assume that you don't want a life partner, or that you don't like being held. Admitting this in a dating situation is disastrous, because people don't commit without a serious reason, or "bribe." And since i'm not wealthy, then there's really only one other option for me.

Pathetic, but true. I'm estranged from my blood family, so finding/creating a family is hugely important to me.

Also, it's embarrassing for me, like showing some scarring physical defect or something. I don't want to be pitied, or looked at as an object of curiosity. I don't want people prying into my life trying to figure out why i am the way i am.

Cheers,

Alex

Girltech- you're in the air force? Or are my acronyms messed up? Didn't realize that. I feel like any reasons that they would be for asexuality are not ones that we necessarily want.

Anyhoo, back in peace-movement-land I just got back from the Wesleyan Queer retreat, which was extremely good (despite marginalizing asexualitya good deal), and has me thinking alot about asexuality from a queer radical sex politics perspective. Not that we should necessarily all go chalk "fuck sex" in the streets and make a point of laughing out loud whenever people in movies kiss, but alot of queer politics (as distinguished from gay rights politics) is about questioning social ideas around relationships and sexuality as being cauhgt up in this very defined heterosexual norm that, in the end, isn't really helping anybody. Asexuality, of course, fits right in to this idea (if it takes half a minute of thought to realize whu asexuality is "sexually radical") with its inherint statements about relationships and the ncessity of things like sexual affection. So, talking about asexuality isn't just important to us, and it isn't just important to the asexual people out there who are struggling for a vocabulary and a community. EVERYONE can benefit from the idea that they don't have to form sexual relationships with people to be intimate with them, which is why I think talking critically about asexuality and what it implies about sexuality is an extremely important thing to do, and (possibly) something we should talk about on this forum. It seems like alot of people are saying that asexuality isn't something that they are comfortable discussing (or identifying as) publicly, and I feel like that's an important thing to talk about. Not to say that everyone should be chest-thumping and screaming asexuality from the rooftops, but I'm curious why people are uncomfortable about being thought of as asexual, or with asserting things abotu asexuality.

I'm curious why people are uncomfortable about being thought of as asexual, or with asserting things abotu asexuality.<<

I'm not the least bit uncomfortable with telling others that I have not the slightest interest in having sex, or getting married, or having children. In fact, I tend to mention these facts rather proudly given even the smallest provocation. I do tend to shy away from the using the term asexual though because I don't believe that most persons understand what it is we mean by this (if in fact we ourselves have a consensus on what this means) and I usually don't have time to get into lengthy explanations. I consider myself to be a very sensual person who simply has no use or interest in having intercourse. This is beyond the grasp of many persons who see sex as the ultimate and even the logical culmination of a sensual experience. But in short, I'm not the least bit afraid of offending anyone by my particular sexual orientation. They're free to think of me as being very strange and I'm free to think of them as being silly and narrow-minded.

Judy

That's partly why I'm uncomfortable admitting it. I have this fear that people will feel sorry for me, and it's nothing to feel sorry for.

The main thing is that for whatever reason, I let people make me uncomfortable. I don't even like to admit that I don't have a boyfriend, because I'm not *quite* confident enough to deal with expressions of pity. I'm a fairly confident person, otherwise. I'm not worried about having a life partner. I don't want a life partner, and I don't like being held.

I was at work earlier today, and this girl pointed out a "hot guy" and it was very strange. For one thing, she didn't come out and say "oh, look at the hot guy". She said something like "look at THAT guy". It took me almost 2 minutes to realize what I was supposed to see. "Which guy? What about him? Did he do something?" I mean, yeah, he was attractive. I know a good-looking person when I see one. But...I really didn't think about it, while I think most would have started drooling or something. A person has got to be painfully beautiful before I'll notice it on first glance. But...I wasn't about to explain my situation to the girl at work.

Question: Do any you think that your views on gender issues directly reflects your relationships with your parents (or other dominant male and female figures from your childhood)? i.e., does your relationship with your father resemble your relationships with other men, and the relationship with your mother reflect your relationships with other women?

If so, do you think this has had any affect on your sexual identity? That's just something I've been thinking about lately.

That's partly why I'm uncomfortable admitting it. I have this fear that people will feel sorry for me, and it's nothing to feel sorry for.

The main thing is that for whatever reason, I let people make me uncomfortable. I don't even like to admit that I don't have a boyfriend, because I'm not *quite* confident enough to deal with expressions of pity. I'm a fairly confident person, otherwise. I'm not worried about having a life partner. I don't want a life partner, and I don't like being held.

I was at work earlier today, and this girl pointed out a "hot guy" and it was very strange. For one thing, she didn't come out and say "oh, look at the hot guy". She said something like "look at THAT guy". It took me almost 2 minutes to realize what I was supposed to see. "Which guy? What about him? Did he do something?" I mean, yeah, he was attractive. I know a good-looking person when I see one. But...I really didn't think about it, while I think most would have started drooling or something. A person has got to be painfully beautiful before I'll notice it on first glance. But...I wasn't about to explain my situation to the girl at work.

Question: Do any you think that your views on gender issues directly reflects your relationships with your parents (or other dominant male and female figures from your childhood)? i.e., does your relationship with your father resemble your relationships with other men, and the relationship with your mother reflect your relationships with other women?

If so, do you think this has had any affect on your sexual identity? That's just something I've been thinking about lately.

I don't blame anyone for not wanting to discuss it in public. You should not feel pushed to exceed your comfort level.

When I get asked a prying question from someone I don't know well, especially if I'm in a big group, I say something like "you know, that's not really a topic I want to discuss in such and informal or casual setting" (like shouting across a bar to 10 people listening) But there have been discussions around many of the issues discussed here. Most revolve around issues of sex drive, frustration at opposite sex, and attractiveness and compatibility issues. For one, sex drive and sexual function, there are a lot of specific concerns that people have about themselves or their friends who they might be worried about and are justified in asking. Like, women- low or no sex drive, inorgamia, women may be interested in foreplay & other sexual non-intercourse esp. who can only orgasm from foreplay/oral, not intercourse, have painful intercourse, interested in hugging/holding, but not sex acts, see above, men's concerns - ED, or fear of ED & embarrassment, low/no sex drive, performance issues, inexperience (fear that inexperience is viewed as unmasculine,) and for both sexes: antidepressants and other medications effect. These are all legitimate concerns to be addressed. Also most relatives and friends cite or wonder about the lack of good men as available partners (or good women if you're a technically straight man) women complain of men only out for sex and to use women, women complain of sexist/chauvinist men, men complain of women who don't appreciate "nice guys", men complain of women who are used goods (ruined by experience with other men) etc, there are millions of these (some of can be seen as excuses while some are every bit legit). These are probably going to be seen as effectors of the asexual orientation, rightly or wrongly. Also, lack of attractiveness in self or partners, disinterest in other aspects of relationships besides sex, disinterest in marriage, history or current problems with "institution" of marriage, disinterest in children, lack of trust in others/only trust self (self sufficient), personality traits such as irritability, short tempered, and don't want to inflict it on others, strong set in ways, won't change to suit someone else, afraid not good looking enough esp. for a good looking enough partner etc. You know a lot of these things are things "sexual" people can relate to. And they are things that sexual people also have difficulty talking about so it's not surprising an asexual person would.

Hallo everyone, I have read some of the posts and now have plucked up the courage to introduce myself. I'm a 27 year old male, I have never been on a date and have never had a sexual experience with a woman. Does this bother me? Definitely not except of course this fact is frequently brought up by my male friends. They are convinced that the remedy for this supposed disease I have is 'to pay for it'.

Please pardon my ignorance as I did not know there was even such a word as'asexual' till today. Although I believe in the uniqueness of all humankind and resist the temptation of my rational mind to categorise people I guess the term 'asexual' is accurate in my case. Why at least I'm sure you good people here will be able to correct me if I'm wrong.

I will say this though that I do love and adore women. The two most important women in my life are my mother and sister. Outside of this I am fortunate to have very good friendships with the women whom my friends go out with. This is particularly valuable as there is never any confusion in our relationship. I am by nature very affectionate (affection does not equal wanting sex!) person, but my a affection is never misunderstood with them.

I can remember when I was about 14 years old at school they showed us a video in an our 'sex education ' class of a couple copulating. I passed out! I found this activity quite abhorrent, worse still it seemed it was something that was expected of me as an adult. In my naivety my idea of sex and relationships were along the lines of princes and princesses riding off into the sunset and kissing and cuddling little did I know that it was this bio-mechanical activity they were really striving for.

Anyway as I got older I refused to relinquish my dreamy world of relationships. I can't say that I never feel any sexuality towards women but what seems to be of paramount importance is a connection on a spiritual (I am not religious but I do feel spirituality), intellectual and emotional level. All else is inmaterial. Although as I said before like I am affection and there is no greater healing to the soul than a hug.

I have had some of my single female friends asked me out, but I realise that they want to change the octave of the relationship. Strange enough if I say that I can offer them everything but a physical relationship even the friendship we have built up seems not to matter any more. Upon more than one occasion I have lost a friend completely and they have found another man in order to validate that part of themselves. I don't think for one moment that my very few experiences here are in any way a reflection on women in general in fact I have found quite contrary, it is continually refreshing for me to here and learn from the perspective of women.

I'll continue to read the posts with keen interest. Please fill free to comment on anything I've written .

Shelomoph

Goodness, where have you been all of my life! Oh yeah, right, in the UK. Similar to yourself, the few male friends that I've had have never understood the fact that I simply have no sexual interest in them, and that this feeling will never change. I always thought that celibacy or asexuality would be easier for heterosexual men because women, at least in my opinion, are more willing to forego sex in order to obtain a relationship that is wonderful in every other way. In fact, I've always thought that many women would do backflips if they found themselves in a romantic relationship devoid of sex. It's shocking to me that your female friends seemed so in need of sexual validation.

Well, I do think that you have come to the right place. There's at least one person here whose view of sex parallels your own...but I didn't faint in health class :-)

Judy

Goodness, where have you been all of my life! Oh yeah, right, in the UK. Similar to yourself, the few male friends that I've had have never understood the fact that I simply have no sexual interest in them, and that this feeling will never change. I always thought that celibacy or asexuality would be easier for heterosexual men because women, at least in my opinion, are more willing to forego sex in order to obtain a relationship that is wonderful in every other way. In fact, I've always thought that many women would do backflips if they found themselves in a romantic relationship devoid of sex. It's shocking to me that your female friends seemed so in need of sexual validation.

Well, I do think that you have come to the right place. There's at least one person here whose view of sex parallels your own...but I didn't faint in health class :-)

Judy

Why Judy thank-you for such a warm hearted welcome. Your encouragement has prompted me to further describe what asexuality means to me. I have searched one or two websites that discuss asexuality, some of the men comment that they have little one no libido/sex drive. I cannot say this is the same my case, yes I can imagine anybody reading this being in horror at my words. In fact I would go as far as to say I that I probably have above-average sex drive but for me asexuality is about what I do with that sexual energy. The most unproductive and pointless way to use the energy is in sex. But I have found that I am able to move that energy around my body for instance I can put it in a place in my chest where we associate the heart , which allows me to feel tremendous levels of compassion or I can move it up in to my head which gives me a mental endurance why I can move it to the throat which helps me say the right things at the right time. I have even had some success of projecting that energy into another person which can be done with touch or without. And I stress here when I talk of touch I mean in terms of gentle caresses and hugs.

A number of male friends of mine report that they find normal traditional animalistic sex quite exhausting, very unsatisfactory for both parties, even mildly depressing, irritable and lots of other undesirable side-effects. I am happy to report that this never afflicts me. In fact for me the opposite is true. When I have the good fortune to spend my time in the company of a woman who is charming spiritually, mentally and emotionally and even physically attractive to me I do find it seems to have a tremendous amount of this energy at my disposal. This sort of female company brings me great health benefits, my need for sleep reduces considerably, the tone and colour of my skin improves, removes all headaches and stress, my mind becomes a far more energetic and my mind is flooded with wonderful serotonin which kinda makes me feel blissed out. :-) Amazing I can get all this simply from spending an evening having a drink with a female friend who needs anything else.

I would like eventually in a future to use this energy in a mutual healing exchange. I'm hoping to learn things like reflexology and Indian head massage, then allow this energy to build within and as I'm massaging the feet (some women's feet are so beautiful) direct this energy from me into their feet to see if there is any healing effect.

OK you're probably thinking I'm totally weird now so I think that I'll stop here.

Please feel free to tell me I'm hopelessly wrong.

Sash

Hallo everyone, I have read some of the posts and now have plucked up the courage to introduce myself. I'm a 27 year old male, I have never been on a date and have never had a sexual experience with a woman. Does this bother me? Definitely not except of course this fact is frequently brought up by my male friends. They are convinced that the remedy for this supposed disease I have is 'to pay for it'.

Please pardon my ignorance as I did not know there was even such a word as'asexual' till today. Although I believe in the uniqueness of all humankind and resist the temptation of my rational mind to categorise people I guess the term 'asexual' is accurate in my case. Why at least I'm sure you good people here will be able to correct me if I'm wrong.

I will say this though that I do love and adore women. The two most important women in my life are my mother and sister. Outside of this I am fortunate to have very good friendships with the women whom my friends go out with. This is particularly valuable as there is never any confusion in our relationship. I am by nature very affectionate (affection does not equal wanting sex!) person, but my a affection is never misunderstood with them.

I can remember when I was about 14 years old at school they showed us a video in an our 'sex education ' class of a couple copulating. I passed out! I found this activity quite abhorrent, worse still it seemed it was something that was expected of me as an adult. In my naivety my idea of sex and relationships were along the lines of princes and princesses riding off into the sunset and kissing and cuddling little did I know that it was this bio-mechanical activity they were really striving for.

Anyway as I got older I refused to relinquish my dreamy world of relationships. I can't say that I never feel any sexuality towards women but what seems to be of paramount importance is a connection on a spiritual (I am not religious but I do feel spirituality), intellectual and emotional level. All else is inmaterial. Although as I said before like I am affection and there is no greater healing to the soul than a hug.

I have had some of my single female friends asked me out, but I realise that they want to change the octave of the relationship. Strange enough if I say that I can offer them everything but a physical relationship even the friendship we have built up seems not to matter any more. Upon more than one occasion I have lost a friend completely and they have found another man in order to validate that part of themselves. I don't think for one moment that my very few experiences here are in any way a reflection on women in general in fact I have found quite contrary, it is continually refreshing for me to here and learn from the perspective of women.

I'll continue to read the posts with keen interest. Please fill free to comment on anything I've written .

Shelomoph

You asked for opinions, so I am giving you mine: 1. You are heterosexual 2. The follwong sounds like a pick-up line: "The most unproductive and pointless way to use the energy is in sex. But I have found that I am able to move that energy around my body for instance I can put it in a place in my chest where we associate the heart, which allows me to feel tremendous levels of compassion or I can move it up in to my head which gives me a mental endurance why I can move it to the throat which helps me say the right things at the right time. I have even had some success of projecting that energy into another person which can be done with touch or without. And I stress here when I talk of touch I mean in terms of gentle caresses and hugs. "

3. You probably have a foot fetish, directed at women, which would lend to the evidence that you are indeed heterosexual 4. You like talking about yourself, which also is a characteristic of heterosexual males.

You asked for opinions, so those are mine.

By the way, I am curious at what www locations you learned about asexuality?

Ok, Robin, I've got to disagree with you on a couple of points there. Hey, I like talking about myself, and I'm definitely not a heterosexual male. Don't we all like talking about ourselves? Sure, that's not a typical characteristic of a pre-feminism heterosexual woman....they weren't supposed to talk about themselves. But hey, can't we all be a little self-indulgent?

I admit, it sounds a bit like a pickup line, but this is the last place he would try it. Even if he did try it, why would he go to an online club to do it? As Judy said, it seems like most women would really go for a "no-sex-expected" relationship with a man (Hey, even *I* would go for that). If it hasn't worked for him offline, it's even less likely to work here.

It sounds like he's talking about chakras and affection, not foot fetishes or heterosexuality. And it does sound like he has some aversion to sex and just wants to be loved and respected by women who don't expect anything "extra". But...I can't speak for him, that's just what I've observed. Besides, he just got here.

-drksparkle