Haven for the Human Amoeba

All right- It's finally that time of Visibility group- I get to write up an asexual manifesto. Even if I was strictly asexual, I still would feel like my experience alone wasn't enough. however, I have a wealth of non-imperial evidence at my fingertips- you guys. some of you have websites, and many good points have been made here. So when I write this up, It would be of great aid if some of you would let me use your stuff.

If you would like to contribute, post a message here saying-"We will be heard! I add my voice to the mass so they may here us louder and farther away" or just- "go ahead and use my stuff" Any suggestions on points to focus on are welcome as well, and I'll probably post the whole thing for review. I plan on focusing on asexuality as a sliding scale of libido, how life without sex works, and the difference between asexuality and voluntary celibacy.

Thanks in advance!

All right- It's finally that time of Visibility group- I get to write up an asexual manifesto. Even if I was strictly asexual, I still would feel like my experience alone wasn't enough. however, I have a wealth of non-imperial evidence at my fingertips- you guys. some of you have websites, and many good points have been made here. So when I write this up, It would be of great aid if some of you would let me use your stuff.

If you would like to contribute, post a message here saying-"We will be heard! I add my voice to the mass so they may here us louder and farther away" or just- "go ahead and use my stuff" Any suggestions on points to focus on are welcome as well, and I'll probably post the whole thing for review. I plan on focusing on asexuality as a sliding scale of libido, how life without sex works, and the difference between asexuality and voluntary celibacy.

Thanks in advance!

I give up seeing myself as original.

When I thought that only I bought a station wagon on purpose, I believed that I had a lock on originalty. Nope. There are many other wagon fanatics to be found on the Internet.

Then, I considered my habit of wearing a fedora. Certainly, I would be considered unique. Wrong again.

I have considered, realized, and confirmed my asexuality in my college years. For certain, I thought that I had a lock on that, too.

Admittedly, there is something assuring about knowing there are others like yourself out there.

Heheh, I gave up on seeing myself as original, too. The only way for me to appear unique is to behave somewhat normally.

But...I'm still a big weirdo.

Ta,

drk

That is the interesting part. Even though I have known my friends for years, I don't think they really have a clue what I am.

They percieve me as a freak for other reasons that my attitude toward sex.

We haven't had in depth discussion about my sexuality. I have a belief that they assume that I dig sex as much as they do. I just have not found the right person even though I have not been on a date in years.

For what ever reason, I don't think that I need a coming out party if there is such a thing.

I just wanted to say "hi" to all of you. A few months ago, I realized that I was meant to be celibate, then I got online and found out that I'm not just celibate...I'm a "voluntary celibate". Now, I'm wondering if I may be "asexual" as well! Can someone please explain the difference between being "voluntarily celibate" and "asexual" to me please?

Also, I just found a webpage called "asexual pals" (or something like that) and I was wondering if they meant to say "voluntary celibates".

If you all have already explored this topic, please refer me to the set of message numbers where you discussed this question. Thanks!

I just wanted to say "hi" to all of you. A few months ago, I realized that I was meant to be celibate, then I got online and found out that I'm not just celibate...I'm a "voluntary celibate". Now, I'm wondering if I may be "asexual" as well! Can someone please explain the difference between being "voluntarily celibate" and "asexual" to me please?

Also, I just found a webpage called "asexual pals" (or something like that) and I was wondering if they meant to say "voluntary celibates".

If you all have already explored this topic, please refer me to the set of message numbers where you discussed this question. Thanks!

Thanks for your reply. I guess that I must be somewhere in they grey area now. When I was sexually active, I was a "heterosexual", but now that I've come to realize that I'm a "voluntary celibate", I've discovered something else.

I'm quite sure that my decision to be celibate has a lot to do with my past experiences (childhood drama + adult romantic drama). While I no longer want to have a sexual relationship with anyone, I still long for the hugs and platonic companionship that went along with some of those relationships. I think that (eventually) even this desire will fade away which will cause me to be asexual (right?). The reason why I think this desire will fade away is because I've recently discovered that I'm afraid of allowing a man to get close to me.

Yes, I know that has a lot to do with my previous experiences, but it doesn't change the fact that I am afraid of forming close relationships/friendships with men now. This new fear is slowly destroying my attraction to them. (For those who may be wondering - I have never been attracted to other females and I don't intend to start looking in that direction either.)

So, I think that I will become asexual with time since this new fear of mine won't go away. I feel that I'm in the "grey area" because I want the hugs, just not the sex. I want the close friendship with the opposite sex, but I'm afraid of forming such closeness with them. Result - I have REALLY gotten into my hobbies!

Please tell me that someone here can understand what I'm going through! If not, then I'm sorry for bothering you.

I don't suppose we have any organizations I should join?... :-/

Earlier today, my mother nagged at me for not getting quickly to the point, so I'll say my point first and THEN I'll ramble. Is that fair? Here goes: This post basically says "Don't worry, Celibbrat, you fit in fine".

* * *

We're all formed by previous experiences. This "condition" of ours may or may not be genetic or hormonal, may or may not be psychological, may or may not be any or all of the above. No one knows, and it shouldn't matter. It seems that the whole planet is trying to solve the age-old Nature vs. Nurture argument once and for all. Alas, to no avail.

I, personally, have qualms about being touched. It could very well be that past personal experiences have led me to be this way (I can think of several things that could have caused this), or maybe I have always been this way, and that's why these bad experiences seemed so bad in the first place. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Experiences that I call "bad" have probably happened to other people who have not given these experiences a second thought. The bad things have all been sexual on some level, usually indirectly....be they a comment about my appearance (desirability) or disparaging remark on my sexual status (or lack thereof...I don't talk about sex much, so many have assumed that I was either a virgin or some sort of prostitute...you're all familiar with that dichotomy.)

Sometimes, these "bad things" were more direct and caused a lot more damage.

Sure, all women deal with that stuff at some point in time, I just don't want to. I'm not interested. It's not worth it to me.

I'm not sure if I've ever had this "desire" though, since I was 17/18 when my asexuality and real fear of men set in. I've been on maybe 4 dates in my life. Something like that. I'm over the fear of men, but that doesn't mean that I want "relationships" with them. Somehow, over the past few months I have gone from having all female friends to mostly male friends. It's different, let me tell you. I'm still quite nervous about it, but I think it will be ok.

I'd post more but I'm really tired and I've got to sleep.

I agree wholheartedly with darksparkle. First off, don't worry about which definition you fit into, I feel like those lines aren't superimportant to draw here. Second of all, having relationships, liking hugging and being close to people does NOT mean that someone is not asexual. I personally feel like I can be just as intimate with people as a sexual person without sexual attraction ever coming into the equation. We can't feel like we have to limit ourselves in terms of relationships because of our asexuality, we have to begin to define relationships on our own terms. Ok, sorry, bit of a rant.

Sadly none exists as of yet. I'm looking to build one, if people are interested, no doubt we can cook up things to do. Asexuality as its thought of now is a pretty new concept, one which has independently emerged in alot of people (including you) and is still developing. I'm a bit of an asexual theorist (I run AVEN)and I have ideas as to why asexuality is thought about (or not thought about) the way it is. Its great to hear from you , keep posting! I'm still working on my manifesto, of sorts...

celibrat: Welcome. You fit in with the rest of us. Everyone here seems to be a little different. :) I have become really involved in my hobbies too. (I laughed out loud when I read that.)

bloodyredcommie: Thanks for responding. I would be interested in joining an org. if you create one. Asexuality is obviously something that the rest of society doesn't think exists. We found each other because we knew there was something really different about us and tried to find if there was any information available on the topic. This must be how gay people used to feel a long time ago-like they were the only one out there, but even then it was a known 'condition' even if people thought it was a perversion, at least society recognized that it existed. Anyways... I would be happy to give you or anyone writing a manifesto any info. you could use (to cite individuals). Good luck!

drksparkle: I agree with your response to I'm learning new words everyday! Your 'which came first?' idea fits me. I was raped when I was 14 and assumed that must be why I wasn't interested in sex. I was over that many years ago, but never had an interest in sex (before or after). I have slowly come to the realization the last few years that I simply don't have a sex drive. You're right, it doesn't really matter why, it just matters that you don't.

When I thought of AVEN I kind of envisioned it eventually becoming some sort of an organization like that. I think that the parellel to gay people is apt. There are alot of reasons why it would be good, both for asexuals and everyone else, to get the word out about asexuality and, I think, some reaons why people might have a difficult time accepting the concept. I feel like a manifesto's a good start (can I put anything anyone writes up on AVEN?), but there's other stuff that would be good to do. Maybe designing and coordinating active visibility stuff, getting some real dialogues going about what exactly asexuality IS (which we've talked about some informally) and what the issues surrounding it are. I think it would be great to eventually have some sort of an asexuality conference. I feel like this club is amazing, and I want to start developing more stuff like this. If I made some sort of an asexuality organizing listserve would anyone be interested in joining?

Earlier today, my mother nagged at me for not getting quickly to the point, so I'll say my point first and THEN I'll ramble. Is that fair? Here goes: This post basically says "Don't worry, Celibbrat, you fit in fine".

* * *

We're all formed by previous experiences. This "condition" of ours may or may not be genetic or hormonal, may or may not be psychological, may or may not be any or all of the above. No one knows, and it shouldn't matter. It seems that the whole planet is trying to solve the age-old Nature vs. Nurture argument once and for all. Alas, to no avail.

I, personally, have qualms about being touched. It could very well be that past personal experiences have led me to be this way (I can think of several things that could have caused this), or maybe I have always been this way, and that's why these bad experiences seemed so bad in the first place. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Experiences that I call "bad" have probably happened to other people who have not given these experiences a second thought. The bad things have all been sexual on some level, usually indirectly....be they a comment about my appearance (desirability) or disparaging remark on my sexual status (or lack thereof...I don't talk about sex much, so many have assumed that I was either a virgin or some sort of prostitute...you're all familiar with that dichotomy.)

Sometimes, these "bad things" were more direct and caused a lot more damage.

Sure, all women deal with that stuff at some point in time, I just don't want to. I'm not interested. It's not worth it to me.

I'm not sure if I've ever had this "desire" though, since I was 17/18 when my asexuality and real fear of men set in. I've been on maybe 4 dates in my life. Something like that. I'm over the fear of men, but that doesn't mean that I want "relationships" with them. Somehow, over the past few months I have gone from having all female friends to mostly male friends. It's different, let me tell you. I'm still quite nervous about it, but I think it will be ok.

I'd post more but I'm really tired and I've got to sleep.

Hello,

I think it really shouldn't matter why someone is asexual. Some people just are and knowing why doesn't change this. I guess some people become asexual because of unpleasant experiences, others just are born that way. Maybe those unpleasant experiences were unpleasant because of the fact that the person is/was asexual. And, have you ever heard people asking themselves why some people are ... sexual? Being sexual or asexual, both are possibilities in the human being. People can only live happily and healthy when they follow their own nature, whether that is asexual or sexual.

Agreed. I feel like, first off, its not a dichodemy between sexual and asexual, there's a spectrum of sexual intensity. It's just necessary to make the catagory (as it's necessary to make the catagories of "lesbian", "bi", etc.) because people think sexuality is important (which is why everyone is so confused by asexuality.) Why someone is asexual isn't really important, it seems like a manifestation of a deeper but harder to answer question. Namely, is asexuality a problem? Is this something that we should try to "fix" or is it just another way to live our lives? If it's caused by traumatic experiences then it seems like there's more of a case for it being a problem (an unhealthy fear of sexuality. Sexual repression. All those nasty scenarios) then if people are "just born that way." The greater sexual world, it seems, would rather asexuality be a problem, because that way its easier to understand and deal with. The notion that someone can be fine without sexuality, given the extreme religious/political/social/capitalistic/emotional focus on it, is pretty hard to swallow. Which is why its difficult to come out as asexual and be believed, and also why its extremely important for us to do so. Because in the end the importance that everyone grants sexuality isn't helping anyone.

Yes, I agree. But, it's a fact that asexual people live in a sexual world (a little like homo's, lesbians and bi's live in a heterosexual world) where sexuality is extremely important. That means that an asexual person has to define his life by himself, lacking role-models, while most others give form to their life on base of sexuality. I think asexuals do have a quite a lot in common with homosexuals. I just wonder why (as it seems to me) nobody has really started to form a group/place to meet each other, the way homosexuals have made their "homosexual subculture". I intend to start such a group myself. I wonder how many people would show up ...

Yes, I agree. But, it's a fact that asexual people live in a sexual world (a little like homo's, lesbians and bi's live in a heterosexual world) where sexuality is extremely important. That means that an asexual person has to define his life by himself, lacking role-models, while most others give form to their life on base of sexuality. I think asexuals do have a quite a lot in common with homosexuals. I just wonder why (as it seems to me) nobody has really started to form a group/place to meet each other, the way homosexuals have made their "homosexual subculture". I intend to start such a group myself. I wonder how many people would show up ...