Haven for the Human Amoeba

Hmmm...I wonder what standards of beauty and love we are all talking about. If we are basing what we think is physically attractive and unattractive by what we see in magazines, then i think we will be misinformed. I personally am not a model, but do find that i love my eyes, hair, lips and the fact that i just got my nose pierced(bizzare i know. What i find "physically attractive" in a person and what my friend find finds "physically attractive" are two different things entirely. Now onto love. I find that love is not something I can quantify. You know how little kids say they love something "this much"(as they stretch their arms open as far as the arms will go), that is the only way i can quantify love. It is trying to tell someone what color your hair is with numbers, it can't be done. You can't say my hair is 6.7 shades of auburn and i love you 8.930*10^5. It doesn't make any sense. Being asexual does not put a mark against you on the cosmic love scoreboard, neither does being a lesbian. Those two things are just how to show yourself off to the world. If anything it should be a good thing. There is a commercial on the radio for Criket phones. A man asks the couch for help and after the couch gives the help, the man says "Can a reupolster you?" and the couch says "Let me be myself" That is the best message i know. Let me be myself. Let you be yourself.

< OK, let's take a closer look at what you said. You said "some" people, not "all" people, so there is hope. And, I reiterate, someone who "loves" someone just because they're "beautiful" is probably rather shallow and superficial. Better find people who genuinely like you for your character...it's more satisfying, and lasts longer.

Apparently the nice people are evading me. Not only am I asexual, but I'm an asexual lesbian who's rather physically unattractive. That's a triple whammy. :(

Again, i find flawed reasoning in that. Granted, the magazine world may say "be small, be thin, be beautiful all the time" but that is not how the world works. So your weight disqualifys you from what?

From finding happiness, from finding that woman who makes your heart light up when you see her, for being successful in the goals you set for yourself? I can't see how weight can do this. I too am overweight but can't see how it disqualifies me for life. Maybe i am too busy pursuing dreams and goals to focus on being disqualified by only one ioda of my being; where this one ioda is only critizied by a few people. Frankly, i don't have time for that BS.

pessimisticgrace@a... said:

<< Hmmm...I wonder what standards of beauty and love we are all talking about. If we are basing what we think is physically attractive and unattractive by what we see in magazines, then i think we will be misinformed. I personally am not a model, but do find that i love my eyes, hair, lips and the fact that i just got my nose pierced (bizzare i know. What i find "physically attractive" in a person and what my friend find finds "physically attractive" are two different things entirely. >>

I'm mostly talking about figure. I've been told I have a pretty face, but because of my weight I'm disqualified.

Hi Grace,

Sorry to jump in here but maybe you are looking in the wrong places.

Try joining a club where people have your same hobbies or interests in things-- like art, music or whatever. When there is a "meeting of like minds" such things as physical appearance can matter very, very little.

Nom

<< Again, i find flawed reasoning in that. Granted, the magazine world may say "be small, be thin, be beautiful all the time" but that is not how the world works. So your weight disqualifys you from what?

Even being spoken to. Respect. Kindness. Courtesy. And ever going farther with friends because my figure makes me unattractive to them.

<< I too am overweight but can't see how it disqualifies me for life>>

Perhaps it's different when you get older, then. I get rejected when I approach people, or when I send pictures. People constantly make fat jokes around me, and I get looked at disapprovingly and pointed at when I'm near other people.

Any time I'm interested in someone, they don't think I'm thin enough for them. Or they want sex and I don't so it doesn't work.

<< Try joining a club where people have your same hobbies or interests in things-- like art, music or whatever. When there is a "meeting of like minds" such things as physical appearance can matter very, very little. >>

^^ I wasn't intending on continuing the discussion, but if you guys really want me to..

I've tried that. Unfortunately my interest in music is in Japanese music only, something there's not any group I know of near me for. I tried joining an anime group, but everyone was judgmental. I even tried several gay/lesbian groups, but they were very critical of appearence..

<<If you don't mind me asking... how old are you? Are you in your early 20's? >>

^^ Oh no. I'm 18.

http://jetter.itgo.com/index.html

<< Yep, I am only 19. I can't see how someone who is only 18 can feel so strongly negatively at the world. >>

Well, my parents will tell you it's years of peer abuse and sexual/murderous threats.

If you don't mind me asking... how old are you? Are you in your early 20's?

<< Try joining a club where people have your same hobbies or interests in things-- like art, music or whatever. When there is a "meeting of like minds" such things as physical appearance can matter very, very little. >>

^^ I wasn't intending on continuing the discussion, but if you guys really want me to..

I've tried that. Unfortunately my interest in music is in Japanese music only, something there's not any group I know of near me for. I tried joining an anime group, but everyone was judgmental. I even tried several gay/lesbian groups, but they were very critical of appearence..

Do you Yahoo!? Faith Hill - Exclusive Performances, Videos & More http://faith.yahoo.com

Fact is... what is the age range on this list? I am 36. Are there any other 30 somethings out there?

Just wondering,

Nom

If you don't mind me asking... how old are you? Are you in your early 20's?

pessimisticgrace@... said:

<< Try joining a club where people have your same hobbies or interests in things-- like art, music or whatever. When there is a "meeting of like minds" such things as physical appearance can matter very, very little. >>

^^ I wasn't intending on continuing the discussion, but if you guys really want me to..

I've tried that. Unfortunately my interest in music is in Japanese music only, something there's not any group I know of near me for. I tried joining an anime group, but everyone was judgmental. I even tried several gay/lesbian groups, but they were very critical of appearence..

---

Do you Yahoo!? Faith Hill - Exclusive Performances, Videos & More http://faith.yahoo.com

Do you Yahoo!? Faith Hill - Exclusive Performances, Videos & More http://faith.yahoo.com

I'll be 35 years old this Saturday. I think I'm one of the older ones here because I think the average age range here is in the early 20's

Fact is... what is the age range on this list? I am 36. Are there any other 30 somethings out there?

Just wondering,

Nom

Nom De Plume said:

If you don't mind me asking... how old are you? Are you in your early 20's?

pessimisticgrace@a... said:

<< Try joining a club where people have your same hobbies or interests in things-- like art, music or whatever. When there is a "meeting of like minds" such things as physical appearance can matter very, very little. >>

^^ I wasn't intending on continuing the discussion, but if you guys really want me to..

I've tried that. Unfortunately my interest in music is in Japanese music only, something there's not any group I know of near me for. I tried joining an anime group, but everyone was judgmental. I even tried several gay/lesbian groups, but they were very critical of appearence..

---

Do you Yahoo!? Faith Hill - Exclusive Performances, Videos & More http://faith.yahoo.com

---

Do you Yahoo!? Faith Hill - Exclusive Performances, Videos & More http://faith.yahoo.com

Yep, I am only 19. I can't see how someone who is only 18 can feel so strongly negatively at the world. You HAVE to find something that clicks. There is a group out there for you and then there will be someone for you too. I know it. Try, that is the word of they day. And tomorrow's word is will be do.

<<If you don't mind me asking... how old are you? Are you in your early 20's? >>

^^ Oh no. I'm 18.

That's not too had to predict, eh? I think the Giants will win in 5 and Angels and Twins will go 7. We'll see.

Of course you can check out these personals' sites while your waiting for the World Series! :-)

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Yeah I agree. People get less superficial about people's looks as they get older. That's not to say they aren't still a$$holes... they just aren't superficial a$$holes.

;-)

Nom

Yep, I am only 19. I can't see how someone who is only 18 can feel so strongly negatively at the world. You HAVE to find something that clicks. There is a group out there for you and then there will be someone for you too. I know it. Try, that is the word of they day. And tomorrow's word is will be do.

pessimisticgrace@a... said:

<<If you don't mind me asking... how old are you? Are you in your early 20's? >>

^^ Oh no. I'm 18.

Do you Yahoo!? Faith Hill - Exclusive Performances, Videos & More http://faith.yahoo.com

I will be 31 at the end of this month.

About "beauty": I think beautiful people have an advantage on less beautiful people (yes, the standards we all know). But this doesn't mean that less attractive people will be denied completely. It only is easier when you have a pretty appearance... I agree that one's characteristics can be a part of someone's beauty. Just discover where your beauty is ...

About relationships, the exclusive ones I mean, I think asexuals do have a rather serious disadvantage. It is a fact that most people want sex with their partner. Most people experience sex as an important way to be intimate with someone. So, if you don't want sex, this limits your "market". I'm not sure whether someone (someone who is not asexual)can really accept the fact that the relationship will be asexual. I doubt the willingness on this of people ... I think, if they have the choice, that they will continue to look out for someone with whom they can have sex ... And, if they say that they accept the fact that there will be no sex, how long they will accept this? I think asexuals have a disadvantage in finding a life-partner. Because you can't compromise on this... Or there is, or there isn't ...

Hi Bostongirl,

I agree. I think beautiful people do have an advantage. This aesthetic taste in physical appearance seems to be something that is inborn or at best is learned at an early age.

First graders for example have been observed with teachers that were considered good looking versus ones that weren't. Their behavior and reaction towards each teacher was quite different. The good looking teacher was considered "nicer" and "more fun" than the one who wasn't good looking even though each teacher's behavior and teaching style was identical.

Still... I think as we get older, we become more aware that there are other things besides physical appearance that define a person. We become aware of our own aging process and physical and psychological imperfections and as a result we became less worried about other people's appearance and flaws.

Anyway I do think though that just because one is asexual doesn't mean that one shouldn't care about one's appearance. As a photographer and writer, I have seen many, many people in this world and I think out of all of them I have only seen probably two people who couldn't actually be improved with a nice hair cut, a wardrobe make over, or if they were female-- a little bit of make-up strategically applied here or there.

In my opinion, there's practically no one who is really truly ugly out there in the world. Just about everyone is far better looking than they realize.

And on the subject of relationships-- yeah... finding a life partner might be difficult for us non-sexuals but who says that we have to find just one person to satisfy our needs for companionship?

After all, isn't this "life partner" thing something that is a product of our sexual culture?

Nom De Plume

I will be 31 at the end of this month.

About "beauty": I think beautiful people have an advantage on less beautiful people (yes, the standards we all know). But this doesn't mean that less attractive people will be denied completely. It only is easier when you have a pretty appearance... I agree that one's characteristics can be a part of someone's beauty. Just discover where your beauty is ...

About relationships, the exclusive ones I mean, I think asexuals do have a rather serious disadvantage. It is a fact that most people want sex with their partner. Most people experience sex as an important way to be intimate with someone. So, if you don't want sex, this limits your "market". I'm not sure whether someone (someone who is not asexual)can really accept the fact that the relationship will be asexual. I doubt the willingness on this of people ... I think, if they have the choice, that they will continue to look out for someone with whom they can have sex ... And, if they say that they accept the fact that there will be no sex, how long they will accept this? I think asexuals have a disadvantage in finding a life-partner. Because you can't compromise on this... Or there is, or there isn't ...

Do you Yahoo!? Faith Hill - Exclusive Performances, Videos & More http://faith.yahoo.com

<< And on the subject of relationships-- yeah... finding a life partner might be difficult for us non-sexuals but who says that we have to find just one person to satisfy our needs for companionship?

After all, isn't this "life partner" thing something that is a product of our sexual culture? >>

But asexual doesn't mean you want an open relationship, just as bisexual doesn't. Some may, but personally, I do not. I want a life partner because I want the bond of a one-on-one relationship. Sure, I'd take friends, but I do want a one-on-one romantic love relationship. I get far too jealous otherwise.

http://juaeirns.iwarp.com/index.html

Hi Grace, :)

Well you and I must be different on that idea. I have found that one can love many. Of course, I am not talking so much about the intense fire of romantic love, but rather the love one feels for ones really good friends and even family.

I have found such forms of relationships to be enough for me, but that stems from the fact that I am the fiercely independent sort that doesn't want a relationship that is so close that it becomes stifling.

I need to have my space-- lots of it-- probably more so than most people. Even my friends and family have a hard time dealing with my need for solitude at times. ;-)

<< And on the subject of relationships-- yeah... finding a life partner might be difficult for us non-sexuals but who says that we have to find just one person to satisfy our needs for companionship?

After all, isn't this "life partner" thing something that is a product of our sexual culture? >>

But asexual doesn't mean you want an open relationship, just as bisexual doesn't. Some may, but personally, I do not. I want a life partner because I want the bond of a one-on-one relationship. Sure, I'd take friends, but I do want a one-on-one romantic love relationship. I get far too jealous otherwise.

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Hi Nom, I sooooo agree with you about this. Having a "primary", intense relationship can be a learning experience if one is ready to learn hard lessons (the closeness can often bring out our worst qualities, I think!), but the easy-going love for friends and family is much less stressful.

I am essentially a loner, and live nearly five thousand miles away from family. Like you, I need my solitude, and sometimes people just don't get that.

Amy

Hi Grace, :)

Well you and I must be different on that idea. I have found that one can love many. Of course, I am not talking so much about the intense fire of romantic love, but rather the love one feels for ones really good friends and even family.

I have found such forms of relationships to be enough for me, but that stems from the fact that I am the fiercely independent sort that doesn't want a relationship that is so close that it becomes stifling.

I need to have my space-- lots of it-- probably more so than most people. Even my friends and family have a hard time dealing with my need for solitude at times. ;-)>

<< Of course, I am not talking so much about the intense fire of romantic love, but rather the love one feels for ones really good friends and even family. >>

^^ I have no problem with friends and family. I just meant in the romantic spectrum, I wanted a one-on-one relationship.

<<I have found such forms of relationships to be enough for me, but that stems from the fact that I am the fiercely independent sort that doesn't want a relationship that is so close that it becomes stifling.>>

Ahh. I'm a very intense person, the relationships I aspire to are the ones in books and movies where you'd literally do anything for one another. I have to feel needed. So, as yet another hinderance to my romantic search, I want a lot of attention and time. For me, if I care about someone, I don't want to leave them. I'm the type who would take up a partner's hobbies just to share more with them, even if it was something I didn't care for. But that's why they call me obsessive.

Hi Amy,

Yeah I find that if I spend too much time with people I start to feel out of whack. I need my solitude to return to balance with the genuine me, if that makes any sense.

As for having a primary intense relationship, I am not sure if I will ever be ready for such a thing as I am 36 now. Even if I were to find someone else who wasn't interested in sex, I just don't think I could stand dealing with the other person's jealousy and possessiveness.

It's bad enough when I occasionally have had friends and family pull that sort of stuff on me, let alone having to regularly deal with that sort of thing in a really intense relationship where those feelings are amplified about 100 times over.

When it comes to a primary relationship, I guess I would have to say: "Thanks... but no thanks".

I like my freedom (and solitude) too much. That and the fact that I don't necessarily believe that the best kind of love is one that implies ownership.

Nom

Hi Nom, I sooooo agree with you about this. Having a "primary", intense relationship can be a learning experience if one is ready to learn hard lessons (the closeness can often bring out our worst qualities, I think!), but the easy-going love for friends and family is much less stressful.

I am essentially a loner, and live nearly five thousand miles away from family. Like you, I need my solitude, and sometimes people just don't get that.

Amy

Hi Grace, :)

Well you and I must be different on that idea. I have found that one can love many. Of course, I am not talking so much about the intense fire of romantic love, but rather the love one feels for ones really good friends and even family.

I have found such forms of relationships to be enough for me, but that stems from the fact that I am the fiercely independent sort that doesn't want a relationship that is so close that it becomes stifling.

I need to have my space-- lots of it-- probably more so than most people. Even my friends and family have a hard time dealing with my need for solitude at times. ;-)>

Do you Yahoo!? Faith Hill - Exclusive Performances, Videos & More http://faith.yahoo.com

Yeah I find that if I spend too much time with people I start to feel out of whack. I need my solitude to return to balance with the genuine me, if that makes any sense.>

I feel exactly the same way!

As for having a primary intense relationship, I am not sure if I will ever be ready for such a thing as I am 36 now. Even if I were to find someone else who wasn't interested in sex, I just don't think I could stand dealing with the other person's jealousy and possessiveness.>

Actually I have a close relationship with someone...fortunately he lives on another continent! But I find that the true purpose of this relationship is for me to learn about myself and grow as a person, and not so much about personal gratification. I strongly believe that we generate our own happiness from within ourselves.

I like my freedom (and solitude) too much. That and the fact that I don't necessarily believe that the best kind of love is one that implies ownership.>

I think ownership is the absolute death of a relationship.

Amy

http://nfb.tvheaven.com/index.html

< I like my freedom (and solitude) too much. That and the fact that I don't necessarily believe that the best kind of love is one that implies ownership >>

I guess I've never thought if it that way. I consider it an equal relationship, except it's equally obsessive. But like I said, I know I'm in the minority in favor of it. I want to mean everything to someone because they'll mean everything to me and I want that equality.

I guess I've never thought if it that way. I consider it an equal relationship, except it's equally obsessive.

Well, in theory. :) In movies, in books, in poetry...

In practicality, there are scant few times when relationships are truly equal in these senses. They usually sway back and forth in the very beginning (during the "honeymoon phase",) and then eventually settle on the "stronger" person. Stronger being whatever characteristic is most dominant, be that intelligence, muscle, fury, or even a passive quality.

But here is a question for you. If the relationship does not imply ownership at all, even dual "equal" ownership, then would you feel hurt or perhaps betrayed if the other person decided to go off and have sex with somebody -- spend the night -- relieve some tension they cannot relieve with you?

If you honestly would have no problem with that, then congrats. I'm not sure I'd fully believe you, because that goes again all human nature, but I would give you the benefit of the doubt. On the other hand, if you would be hurt or betrayed -- that implies ownership.

Now as for the equally obsessive part: Is that the word you really meant? I understand that I am a fiercely independent person, and the absolute opposite of a narcissist, so I have to factor that in -- but if a person were obsessed with me, that would annoy me to no end. Nothing would make me leave faster than a person who had to always be around me, or *depended* upon me to function correctly.

Ioa ]