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Hi all,

I know that everyone has their own definition of what an "asexual" lifestyle is...so I am curious as to how many people agree with my version, and what others' views are.

As for me, well, I define myself as an asexual female with heterosexual tendencies. I guess? Make sense?

That means I am attracted to guys, but in a little school girl way. I feel a sexual attraction, eg I can find a guy extremely good looking, but not want to act upon that attraction in a sexual way... sound familiar to anyone?

I have no interest in a sexual relationship, have never pursued one, and don't think I ever will. The frustration, of course, is that I am attracted to the opposite sex but can't get in a relationship because of my asxexual nature (a normal one anyway).

I've heard of asexual relationships, but I'm sure that's hard to find...and I have more issues with those as well.

Maybe, I'll discuss them in another post...I am sure I've rambled enough in this introduction.

Anyway, I am happy to have found a group like this and would be even happier to hear other people's profiles!

Salut,

Rachel

I know I definitely feel passionate feelings of attraction to guys I've known in my life or dream about.

I'm a knew member, but just familiarizing myself with this board has given me many different perspectives.

Someone wrote how they're impermeable to our sexually saturated culture. I'm not. It gets me sometimes. I find guys sexually attractive and want them to find me sexually attractive, so I try to be. In fact, I am supersensitive about my appearance. I want to be considered sexually attractive for the power it offers.

However, I have no desire to commit sexual acts...at all! I find it kind of gross. But mostly, I'm just devoid of sexual desires in spite of my attractions- a real conflict. It would be so much easier if there were no attractions at all :(

I always liken it to sushi. For some reason, everyone tries sushi and raves about it. It is the thing to do, eat sushi. But, regardless of everyone's sushi dependency, I ain't puttin' that stuff in my mouth. I have absolutely no desire to eat sushi...though I might find it's culinary presentation very appealing. Bad analogy, I know!!

Rachel

So how many people here can actually say that they identify as asexual, and yet can still feel/experience positive erotic/passionate/or attraction feelings (without expressing them with sex)? I've seen a lot of people talking about being confused with issues like coming out as asexual, and acceptance. That was never really a problem for me as I think I said back when I was posting more often. My "confusing" issue is that I am, I think, one of those people who can feel quite attracted, perhaps sometimes physically, and yet, I don't express it with sex. Ussually, though, there's got to be more than just a body to stare at, but in any case, I am not devoid of passions. ;)

<<I think I would label your sexuality as a "platonic heterosexuality" - what do you think? Unfair? Maybe it fits in the asexual label (which is becoming bigger and more generalized every day).>>

Does that make me platonic homosexuality? That sounds funny to me because there's no sex involved..

<< "platonic heterosexuality?" Sounds fair to me. If being srtictly

asexual (in the most traditional sense) is being devoid of any sexual

attractions, than it is fair to say I am a "platonic hetero." >>

Sometimes I like to replace sexuality with romanticism. ;)

<< Should one have sex in order to have a sexuality (excluding asexuality)? I see a lot of virgin people, lots of people who haven't had sex for months or years, nevertheless, they say they are (hetero/homo/bi)sexual. Are they wrong? >>

But they may have sexual feelings or desires. I don't.

Do you even understand the word Platonic grace?

<<I think I would label your sexuality as a "platonic heterosexuality" - what do you think? Unfair? Maybe it fits in the asexual label (which is becoming bigger and more generalized every day).>>

Does that make me platonic homosexuality? That sounds funny to me because there's no sex involved..

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Just having perused this groups for a little over a day, I have learned so much.

I was too ignorant to know that some asexuals (maybe "real" asexuals) are devoid of any sexual attraction to others or unawareness of their own sexuality.

So, that brings me to my "who has it easier question."

I am aware of my own potential as a sexual being, aa attracted to guys, and want for them to find me sexually attractive (oh, boy do I want them to!). But sex doesn't appeal to me in the least (grosses me out actually) and I can only somewhat tolerate certain levels of closeness, like hugging.

Textbook asexuals don't find anyone sexually attractive, don't care about projecting their own sexuality, and just seem above the whole nature of sexuality.

Therefore, my type of asexuality is more normal by cultural standards (and I don't mean that ot offend anyone, just to be taken at face value).

Whereas, strict asexuals are considered, perhaps, less normal.

However, my kind has to deal with the conflicting feelings of having one type of sexual awareness, but lacking sexual desire.

But, true asexuals don't have that conflict in their lives.

So, who has it better? Maybe I am more normal, by conventional standards, but I am more conflicted as well.

For this reason, I would argue that my type of asexuality is more difficult in today's society than a "real" asexual's.

Agree, disagree?

So, in my short time here, I have learned that the following terms may be applicable to my type of sexuality:

heterosocial, platonic heterosexual...

I know there are varying degrees of asexuality. And I still consider myself as falling within the spectrum.

But, at the same time, I am delighted to hear other people's opinions becaue it only aids my understanding of my situation.

Great to have found this place!

--Rachel

Oh, and another thing: I lived most of my life as a heterosexual, and I now have an interesting relationship with a gay man...we are definitely more than friends, and have what might be described as "romantic" feelings toward one another, for lack of a better term. In other words, we see ourselves a more than just friends, and we are special to each other in a way that we are not to our other friends.

In the past, I have been attracted to women a few times, although I never acted on it, and to gay men, and well as straight men. I really found my freedom when I finally realized that gender can't be put into boxes. When I discovered my own un-labelable identity and happily accepted it, I became much happier than I was when I was trying to live the life of a "heterosexual woman" and all the trappings that go with that.

Amy

Hi Rachel,

Nom, "heterosocial," then, doesn't involve flirting or being interested in attracting the opposite sex, right? -or else, you wouldn't consider yourself that because friends are friends across the field for you.

I have never heard the term and am happy to have learned about it. Thanks Nom!!!

Nom

Usually the word heterosocial or homosocial is term used when describing people's social interactions with one and another that is purely on a friendship level.

Usually people have a preference for one gender over another when it comes to their friendships.

Nom

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Hi Rachel,

However, my kind has to deal with the conflicting feelings of having one type of sexual awareness, but lacking sexual desire.

How old are you? Perhaps that might change. However keep in mind that just because you want to be sexually attractive to guys doesn't mean that you necessarily have to be sexually attracted or even interested in every one of them you meet.

I think in our society we have been taught that if we have heterosexual tendencies that we should have sexual feelings for every person of the opposite gender that comes along but that just isn't so.

Anyway... just to tell you about my situation as a heterosocial... I am 36.

I dated in high school and also in college. While I enjoyed dating, I found that as the relationships got more intense-- both physically and emotionally, that I became less and less interested.

Anyway despite that I still even now have many friendships with men. I have traveled with a few of them-- even on overnight trips but I have never slept with any of them, spent time cuddling with them, nor have I ever lived with any of them either.

Unless the guy is an asexual (and there's very few of them out there) I have learned that a hands-off approach is best. Most hetero oriented guys with a normal libido seem to think hugging means that you are sexually interested in them-- which is hardly the case in my situation.

Anyway I am like you in the sense that I do like to make myself attractive to men and and even enjoy flirting with them but that's as far as my interest goes-- flirting and friendship.

I have no interest in being more than friends or even living together. I like my freedom for one thing and the other reason is finding a guy who wants to live in a sexless relationship would probably be next to impossible-- so why get one's hopes up? ;-)

Nom

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Hi Rachel,

However, my kind has to deal with the conflicting feelings of having one type of sexual awareness, but lacking sexual desire.

How old are you? Perhaps that might change. However keep in mind that just because you want to be sexually attractive to guys doesn't mean that you necessarily have to be sexually attracted or even interested in every one of them you meet.

I think in our society we have been taught that if we have heterosexual tendencies that we should have sexual feelings for every person of the opposite gender that comes along but that just isn't so.

Anyway... just to tell you about my situation as a heterosocial... I am 36.

I dated in high school and also in college. While I enjoyed dating, I found that as the relationships got more intense-- both physically and emotionally, that I became less and less interested.

Anyway despite that I still even now have many friendships with men. I have traveled with a few of them-- even on overnight trips but I have never slept with any of them, spent time cuddling with them, nor have I ever lived with any of them either.

Unless the guy is an asexual (and there's very few of them out there) I have learned that a hands-off approach is best. Most hetero oriented guys with a normal libido seem to think hugging means that you are sexually interested in them-- which is hardly the case in my situation.

Anyway I am like you in the sense that I do like to make myself attractive to men and and even enjoy flirting with them but that's as far as my interest goes-- flirting and friendship.

I have no interest in being more than friends or even living together. I like my freedom for one thing and the other reason is finding a guy who wants to live in a sexless relationship would probably be next to impossible-- so why get one's hopes up? ;-)

Nom

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<<My main sticking point is where one calls themselves an asexual and yet lives in a Boston Marriage relationship with a person whom they define as their "lover" or "life partner".>>

::Shrugs:: As stated, I don't see a bit of sexuality in that. It's a far cry from abstaining despite desires. There are none here.

Well keep in mind that when you start researching "boston marriages" on Google or Yahoo, that the LGBT community has always looked at those relationships as being one of their own.

Which means under their definition that you are lesbian with a low/nonexistent libido. ;-)

Nom

P.S. To be honest I have never heard of a boston marriage between heteros or even between two males... it seems to be a peculiar female lezbo phenomenon.

Has anyone else heard anything different?

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<<Which means under their definition that you are lesbian with a low/nonexistent libido. ;-)

I don't mind that classification either. But I guess I find asexual similar.

I don;t think I'll change. I'm going to be 20 in a month.

I very closely identify with what you are describing about your situation, Nom.

Only, "disinterest" is too mild a word for me...

My reaction to sexual relationships or "close" ones without actual sex consists of:

mild disgust, fear, feeling of extreme awkwardness. It provokes a pretty harsh reaction!

It's wierd. Whe I was a little kid, I felt the same way and thought I'd just out grow it, thinking "I am too young now, but eventually, I will feel *that* way about guys."

Sometimes I try to tell myself that my asexuality is induced by my lack of confidence/poor self-image. But that isn't true. I *am* confident in my personality, and what girl isn't self-concious about her looks?

If that were a factor, everyone would be asexual, right?

Then, I think "maybe it's because of my parents' tumultuous marriage. Perhaps that emotionally damaged me and resulted in my asexuality."

But that makes no sense either.

I am pretty sure I won't change. The thought of being intimate with a guy, even a lighter level, scares me to death!

Unlike you, I never ventured into the dating area. Never. Just couldn't.

But, like you, I am happy to live the rest of my life just as I am. It's just when I have one of those ephemiral crushes/infatuations that I begin to question myself. The "what if" factor comes in to play. But it is futile. I would never indulge that tiny inclination because it is not strong or important enough.

It's actually a burden. I'm trying to think of a semi-decent analogy...it's difficult.

Let's just say that my "normal" inclination is like that unihibited, id-like quality everyone has. Sometimes you hear it beckon to get out, but you suppress it because that's not the real you...it's just a nuisance. I tiny enticement to deviate from your nature.

I dunno. Hard to explain.

Hi Rachel,

However, my kind has to deal with the conflicting feelings of having one type of sexual awareness, but lacking sexual desire.

How old are you? Perhaps that might change. However keep in mind that just because you want to be sexually attractive to guys doesn't mean that you necessarily have to be sexually attracted or even interested in every one of them you meet.

I think in our society we have been taught that if we have heterosexual tendencies that we should have sexual feelings for every person of the opposite gender that comes along but that just isn't so.

Anyway... just to tell you about my situation as a heterosocial... I am 36.

I dated in high school and also in college. While I enjoyed dating, I found that as the relationships got more intense-- both physically and emotionally, that I became less and less interested.

Anyway despite that I still even now have many friendships with men. I have traveled with a few of them-- even on overnight trips but I have never slept with any of them, spent time cuddling with them, nor have I ever lived with any of them either.

Unless the guy is an asexual (and there's very few of them out there) I have learned that a hands-off approach is best. Most hetero oriented guys with a normal libido seem to think hugging means that you are sexually interested in them-- which is hardly the case in my situation.

Anyway I am like you in the sense that I do like to make myself attractive to men and and even enjoy flirting with them but that's as far as my interest goes-- flirting and friendship.

I have no interest in being more than friends or even living together. I like my freedom for one thing and the other reason is finding a guy who wants to live in a sexless relationship would probably be next to impossible-- so why get one's hopes up? ;-)

Nom

---

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Uh, oh. Then I'm homosocial because I prefer to have female friends over guy friends definitely! But I am still only attracted to guys, not girls.

I interact with both. But my close friends are only female. Eventhough I socialize with guys, have some casual guy friends, and can be attracted to them...I still feel awkward around them...well, only *if* I am attracted to them. That's the self-consciousness kicking in, I guess.

I guess I can't be intimate with a guy on any level, then...sexually or intellectually. I could never imagine having a friendship with a guy that compares to my that of my closest girlfriends.

Wow, I keep learning.

Thanks!

Hi Rachel,

Nom, "heterosocial," then, doesn't involve flirting or being interested in attracting the opposite sex, right? -or else, you wouldn't consider yourself that because friends are friends across the field for you.

I have never heard the term and am happy to have learned about it. Thanks Nom!!!

Nom

Usually the word heterosocial or homosocial is term used when describing people's social interactions with one and another that is purely on a friendship level.

Usually people have a preference for one gender over another when it comes to their friendships.

Nom

---

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Hi Rachel,

You wrote:

My reaction to sexual relationships or "close" ones without actual sex consists of:

mild disgust, fear, feeling of extreme awkwardness. It provokes a pretty harsh reaction!

Oh yeah, I have those feelings too. But I have learned how to avoid getting in those situations. It's been a lesson that I have learned from years of emotionally painful experience.

Pretty much any more whenever I get into a friendship with a guy, I tell him flat out at the beginning what to expect out of the relationship-- which is nothing but friendship.

Most of the time they are pretty cool with it. And those that aren't... well I just drop them like a rock and move on.

I know that stating my expectations up front probably sounds weird but I have had too many situations where I have been friends with a guy and they later start getting all gushy and gooey on me, thinking they are "in love".

So I just state my expectations at the beginning and I keep stating my expectations throughout the relationship as needed to emphasize the point that I am not interested in moving into an area which makes me feel completely disgusted and awkward.

So far, my strategy seems to work. They know their place and I know mine and both parties are happy.

It's wierd. Whe I was a little kid, I felt the same way and thought I'd just out grow it, thinking "I am too young now, but eventually, I will feel *that* way about guys."

Sometimes I try to tell myself that my asexuality is induced by my lack of confidence/poor self-image. But that isn't true. I *am* confident in my personality, and what girl isn't self-concious about her looks?

If that were a factor, everyone would be asexual, right?

Then, I think "maybe it's because of my parents' tumultuous marriage. Perhaps that emotionally damaged me and resulted in my asexuality."

Sometimes I have felt that way too about my own parent's marriage. I have also felt that way about my self image. But then I also know, like you that I am quite comfortable with myself and who I am. I also do not believe that my parent's troubles are enough to explain how it is I feel or what choices I have made with my life.

So for me, I have come to believe that it has been mostly a choice I think to stay within my comfort zone and not to venture out from it.

Am I timid? "Sexuals" might say that I am but this is where I am comfortable and I don't see any reason to change what makes me happy.

But that makes no sense either.

I am pretty sure I won't change. The thought of being intimate with a guy, even a lighter level, scares me to death!

Unlike you, I never ventured into the dating area. Never. Just couldn't.

I dated probably because of peer pressure more than anything else. And I will admit, guys are cute to look at-- especially up close! :-)

But, like you, I am happy to live the rest of my life just as I am.

It's just when I have one of those ephemiral crushes/infatuations that I begin to question myself. The "what if" factor comes in to play.

Oh yeah I have those... "the what would it be like to be married and we could live together and share our life together sort of thing."

But then I tell myself that sometimes looking over at the other side of the fence and thinking that the grass is greener can oftentimes be very deceiving.

After all, I do not find myself envying the overworked wife who has a fulltime job, a husband and kids to take care of.

Romantic Love is not always candlelight dinners and soft music, there's also the wear and tear of living with another person day in and day out which my independent, freedom loving self would have a hard time dealing with.

Soo... while it can be lonely at times to be asexual, I have discovered through my solitude that there is great joy that comes with freedom and self reliance.

And when I think about it, perhaps another great gift that comes from being asexual is that we have a better understanding of the inner beauty that resides within our own souls than do most other people.

But it is futile. I would never indulge that tiny inclination because it is not strong or important enough.

It's actually a burden. I'm trying to think of a semi-decent analogy...it's difficult.

Let's just say that my "normal" inclination is like that unihibited, id-like quality everyone has. Sometimes you hear it beckon to get out, but you suppress it because that's not the real you...it's just a nuisance. I tiny enticement to deviate from your nature. I dunno. Hard to explain

Oh yeah... I know exactly what you mean. IT IS difficult to explain!

Nom

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<<I know that stating my expectations up front probably sounds weird but I have had too many situations where I have been friends with a guy and they later start getting all gushy and gooey on me, thinking they are "in love".

Some of the people on this list are seeming awfully anti-romantic, to the point of putting it down and anyone who ever feels that way. If you're not interested in romance and have problems with it, that's fine. But now you're criticizing people who feel romantically interested, quoting in love like it's an invalid emotion.

<<So I just state my expectations at the beginning and I keep stating my expectations throughout the relationship as needed to emphasize the point that I am not interested in moving into an area which makes me feel completely disgusted and awkward.>>

Stating expectations are important. But it's interesting that last time I explained what my expectations in a relationship were, people here told me I should lower them.

<<After all, I do not find myself envying the overworked wife who has a fulltime job, a husband and kids to take care of. >>

Alright, you're really exaggarating here. There's a difference between living together and being married with children and a fulltime job and housework. If you're not interested in romantic relationships, that's your call. But can we please not turn two people living together into a marriage with children? The majority of lesbian or gay couples cannot marry, and do not seek out children. You may not be gay, but that's a good example of a romantic committment that does not involve what you "don't envy." You could probably keep whatever source of income you have now and move in with someone, and if they kept whatever source of income they had now, it'd probably balance out assuming you didn't try to buy a mansion. My point is, not all romantic relationships entail everything you've listed. I completely understand you are uninterested, and respect that very much, but I don't like people putting down what they're not into. You will find I will never put down your lifestyle because I don't understand it. You'll find that I'm only speaking up now because I feel my choices are being criticized. Frankly, I'm not interested in the married with children, stress and job idea either. But that doesn't mean I can't be into romantic commitment.

<<Romantic Love is not always candlelight dinners and soft music, there's also the wear and tear of living with another person day in and day out which my independent, freedom loving self would have a hard time dealing with.>>

Very true. Romantic relationships require commitment and sacrifice. Just like you wouldn't sacrifice your freedom for a relationship, I wouldn't sacrifice my expectations for a relationship. I have no problem living alone until my death, so I see no reason to lower my expectations to "Settling" for something unwanted because people tell me to.

Once again, yada yada yada, I don't have a problem with people who don't engage in romantic relationships, etc etc etc.. But I felt put down for my choice in romantic relationships because of some of the recent e-mails.

Hi Grace,

<<I know that stating my expectations up front probably sounds weird but I have had too many situations where I have been friends with a guy and they later start getting all gushy and gooey on me, thinking they are "in love".

Some of the people on this list are seeming awfully anti-romantic, to the point of putting it down and anyone who ever feels that way. If you're not interested in romance and have problems with it, that's fine. But now you're criticizing people who feel romantically interested, quoting in love like it's an invalid emotion.

So, are you saying that my needs and wishes as an asexual are invalid?? That the other party's feelings are more valid than mine, just because they are "in love"?

You're not making any logical sense here, Grace.

<<So I just state my expectations at the beginning and I keep stating my expectations throughout the relationship as needed to emphasize the point that I am not interested in moving into an area which makes me feel completely disgusted and awkward.>>

Stating expectations are important. But it's interesting that last time I explained what my expectations in a relationship were, people here told me I should lower them.

Well, if I correctly remember our discussion from several months ago, you stated that you were an extremely jealous person who wanted a relationship where you did absolutely EVERYTHING TOGETHER with that special someone, which is just not realistic at all.

No matter how much you may love someone and vice versa, everyone needs their space to do things on their own. You can't just emotionally smother a person to death!

If you think possession and obsession is love, give it a try sometime, Grace!

I guarantee you will have the other person running away from you as fast as they can. While people enjoy love, they don't enjoy being imprisoned!

<<After all, I do not find myself envying the overworked wife who has a fulltime job, a husband and kids to take care of. >>

Alright, you're really exaggarating here. There's a difference between living together and being married with children and a fulltime job and housework. If you're not interested in romantic relationships, that's your call. But can we please not turn two people living together into a marriage with children? The majority of lesbian or gay couples cannot marry, and do not seek out children. You may not be gay, but that's a good example of a romantic committment that does not involve what you "don't envy." You could probably keep whatever source of income you have now and move in with someone, and if they kept whatever source of income they had now, it'd probably balance out assuming you didn't try to buy a mansion. My point is, not all romantic relationships entail everything you've listed. I completely understand you are uninterested, and respect that very much, but I don't like people putting down what they're not into. You will find I will never put down your lifestyle because I don't understand it. You'll find that I'm only speaking up now because I feel my choices are being criticized. Frankly, I'm not interested in the married with children, stress and job idea either. But that doesn't mean I can't be into romantic commitment.

Gee... I am sorry if my message wasn't politically correct enough for you, Grace.

I am not sure why you feel put down here-- but I was referring to the typical hetero relationship here not the other kind.

<<Romantic Love is not always candlelight dinners

and soft music, there's also the wear and tear of living with another person day in and day out which my independent, freedom loving self would have a hard time dealing with.>>

Very true. Romantic relationships require commitment and sacrifice. Just like you wouldn't sacrifice your freedom for a relationship, I wouldn't sacrifice my expectations for a relationship. I have no problem living alone until my death, so I see no reason to lower my expectations to "Settling" for something unwanted because people tell me to.

Once again, yada yada yada, I don't have a problem with people who don't engage in romantic relationships, etc etc etc.. But I felt put down for my choice in romantic relationships because of some of the recent e-mails.

I don't see how or why my earlier message has ruffled your feathers, but I stand by my words.

Yours truly,

Nom

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a handsome 34-year-old asexual man who is ROMANTICALLY attracted to other males. At a svelte 5'10 and 135 pounds, flaunting casually chic boutique clothes reminescent of "Miami Vice's" Don Johnson-- unconstructed sportjackets over T-shirts with multipleated pants in shades of pastel pink, peach, aqua, lavender, fuschia and white--I'm easy on the eyes. I've NEVER been romantically or sexually attracted to a female in my entire life, NEVER experienced an erection over a female. From puberty (age 11) to age 21, I used to get erections over other men, so I thought I was gay. Then the erections stopped, but the ROMANTIC longings didn't. I haven't had a single erection since I was 21 back in 1989, and I'm a virgin in every sense of the word, I've never even been kissed or held hands with a male or a female, not even in grade school. But I still have strong ROMANTIC attractions toward other handsome men. I do not have sexual attraction toward them, I don't get erections over them, which puzzles everybody, since I'm soft and sensitive acting and most people assume I'm gay. Now I realize that I'm not really gay, I'm asexual with strong ROMANTIC attractions toward other men. I dream of meeting some handsome Prince Charming of a man who'll sweep me off my feet and accept me as I am, tell me he loves me and lavishes love and empathy on me--all without wanting sex--while I do the same for him. Before I heard of asexuality, I thought the way I felt toward other men was the way a CHILD feels toward someone upon whom he/she has a platonic crush, like a teacher or a classmate. I really wish I could find a handsome, caring man between ages 21 and 40 with whom I could have a strong romantic relationship with--going out, dining, cuddling, maybe even kissing, giving each other presents, each of us saying that we love the other--all without having sex. A woman just wouldn't do; I feel NOTHING in my heart toward women, no ROMANTIC or sexual attraction, and I NEVER have, not ever. I need another man. Are there any other men out there like me who feel this way? Or any other people, sexual or nonsexual, who understand what I'm saying, or who have questions? If so, please comment or ask your questions, I'd be more than happy to answer! Thanks. --Mike Vice