Haven for the Human Amoeba

As I read, it takes a long time for asexuals to become sure of their sexual identity. Many asexuals must have relationships with 'non- asexuals'. Is there a future for such relationships and what are your advises?

Most relationships (romantic relationships) are based sexual attraction. And the truth of the matter is, why would anyone want to get into relationships if not for sexual gratification? Well, like Phoebe once said "hey, a girl's gotta eat," but it's absolutely pointless for an asexual male. I do feel sympathy for heterosexual males, especially where I live, because they are dropping on average $35-$50 per date (although the truth of the matter is that you shouldn't have to spend more than $15 buying two meals at McDonalds and renting a movie from Blockbuster).

Some years ago, I would've thought it was possible for an asexual male to be involved in a relationship with a heterosexual female (perhaps not through marriage, but significantly far), but I'm not sure anymore. Some people are arguing that females are actually as "sexually hungry" as males, though I still find this hard to believe given the current structure of society. I think relationships were more ideal in the 50's where everything was a lot more innocent, but now, sex seems to define relationships from (junior) high school and upwards. No sex = no relationship. However, by "sex" here, I'm referring to anything beyond "first base," and my point of view is from a US/Western European perspective.

Overall my advice is enjoy your natural advantage and don't waste your time or money on a relationship if you are a male asexual. And if you are asking this question because your girlfriend said she is an asexual, well good luck >.<

<< The kind of relationship I meant is as in a marriage: sharing

everything, being faithful, having children.

To specify my question: Does someone have experience with a marriage-

like relation of several years with sexual difficulties in which the

partners discovered that one of them is asexual instead of 'bad in

bed'.

I think the asexual you're speaking of in this context does not exclude romance. It doesn't sound like your partner is against romance, like some on the list who don't believe a romantic, sexless relationship is asexual. Fortunately, AVEN (asexuality.org) very much believes in romantic relationships without sex.

I've been giving it alot of thought lately,especially after reading all the posted messages,and i really do think that YES asexuals should have relationships (emotional)..after all we still do have a heart to feel with..its not all about the sex. And speaking of which,i'd like to also add that i'm looking for a partner myself...so if there's anyone out there is interested in corresponding,then please go ahead..i can't wait! i'm a 25yr old male..

Cheers... Amro

This is actually my first message to the group, so I'll make it a kind of introductory post. I'm 24 and in Australia, and I guess I found I was asexual after many years trying to form relationships, some of which worked better than others. I found that sexual incompatibility always became an issue, but it's taken me this long to realise why, I guess.

I've only just started to identify as asexual although it's something that has been playing on my mind for a long time - but unlike a lot of asexuals whose posts I have read, I have a considerable sex drive (although not a drive for sex, if you get my meaning) and I'm looking to form emotional/physically intimate relationships.

So if you want to chat to me, feel free :)

A.

I was reading the previous 2 posts and I am also currently looking for a good female friend. I'm not sexualy attracted them, yet I ironicly feel that my partner should be female....I don't know. It's kinda weird. It could be possibly due to societies expectations on me durring my life. That may be one reason. I grew up thinking that life was all about getting and education, marrying some girl, having kids, and becoming insane but fun grandparents. There may be other reasons...I need to think about it more. But i am emotionally attracted to females. On another note, I am not sure if i am asexual. If asexual means not having any sex drive for females or males, I am asexual. But if it means not having any sex drive at all, i am not. I have this really weird (and some may say cute) fetish/thing/attraction. I actually do feel sexual desire for that, but its really harmless. But as far as ANYTHING ALIVE goes...nope...it's not happening. What do other people think about this? And do any other people serve as the advice person for their friends about relationships....it is so increadibly ironic. At least one person a week is in here just to talk about what they should do to get attention from this guy, to talk about how things are going with their boyfriend, the common stuff. And i somehow or another give them good advise...probebly cause i try to strengthen their emotional bonds and not physical. And i am always asked why I don't have a girlfriend.....i just have to chuckle to myself, let the irony pass through me, and say "i havent found the right girl yet" with that little qwirky smile of mine. BUT ANYWAY...what do other people think of my rant. Am i asexual, does anybody feel emotional attracted to only one sex, anything i have said? QUESTIONS! COMMENTS! FEEDBACK! thats about it....oh yea. I'm 20, and i am triple majoring in chemistry, biochemistry, and environmental studies with a concentration in environmental analysis...hey...its something. HOPE TO HEAR BACK FROM YOU!

WoMBaT

<< But for the good news, chocolate provides

the same chemical reaction in the brain as love. I find M'n'Ms to

be the best. >>

As always, it depends on the person, I hate chocolate and it does nothing for my mood.

<<That is actually very scary and confusing at the same time. I hope

you are not talking about kittens. What can you have a sexual

attraction for that isn't a person, and anyone would say is cute?>>

He said "anything alive", which I imagine kittens are.

Maybe stuffed animals?

Hey Wombat,

As a chemistry and biochemistry major, surely you know that your attraction (sexual or non-sexual) is chemically driven. Also, all forms of media make love to be this great thing ("Moulin Rouge," hello), and relationships are something you will naturally want even if you are asexual, so I definitely do not think you're alone. However, love is nothing like "Moulin Rouge" or my personal favourite, "Serendipity." Although, I've always thought that two asexuals could make something like that work out in real life, but for now, love has proven to be heavenly and imaginary rather than real and earthly. The fantasy you have in your mind can never be attained in real life. But for the good news, chocolate provides the same chemical reaction in the brain as love. I find M'n'Ms to be the best.

I have this really weird (and some may say cute) fetish/thing/attraction. I actually do feel sexual desire for that, but its really harmless.

That is actually very scary and confusing at the same time. I hope you are not talking about kittens. What can you have a sexual attraction for that isn't a person, and anyone would say is cute?

If you've actually got a good answer for the above question, then I wish you the best of luck pal.

Hello there everyone! I'm new here... I've just recently came to terms about being asexual... or, I just decided to call myself one, after many years of thinking I was a freak just because I wasn't interested in sex-- not with men, not with women, not with anybody. Its nice to see that there are others like me. I just thought I would say hello! :)

TuckahoePrincess

Well a Big HELLO! back to ya, tuckahoeprincess! I'm also new here...well...2 weeks being new. I assume that your in the same boat as well. For 7 years I thought that i was just a little slow. But i am pretty sure that i am done with puberty...and finally did a search on the internet about not having sexual drive. and what do you know...I'm not alone. So yeah....Hi, and a toast to being asexual!

Oh yea....and on a broader note to everyone else who reads this....Does anybody fence in here? as in swordplay? foil, epee, saber...etc? Just curious.

Anyway! that's about it.

WoMBaT

Well a Big HELLO! back to ya, tuckahoeprincess! I'm also new here...well...2 weeks being new. I assume that your in the same boat as well. For 7 years I thought that i was just a little slow. But i am pretty sure that i am done with puberty...and finally did a search on the internet about not having sexual drive. and what do you know...I'm not alone. So yeah....Hi, and a toast to being asexual!

Oh yea....and on a broader note to everyone else who reads this....Does anybody fence in here? as in swordplay? foil, epee, saber...etc? Just curious.

Anyway! that's about it.

WoMBaT

Well, No one has really posted anything for about a week....So I said "eh....I think i'll just blurt out something so it doesnt seem so monotonous in here.....And here I am. Blabing about nothing....just because nobody is saying much. Oh yea, which brings me to another point. What is with all these sex oriented posts on the site? I wonder if they bothered to look at the title "Asexual". I think they just did a search for "sex" and found our group and didn't really bother to read that "we don't have a great intrest in that sort of thing". Oh well. So how are all you ameboia.....amebo...ah crap....still cant spell well. oh....How are all you Amoeba's doing? Now i'm going to shortly rant about being asexual....before my roomate comes back....yes...I admit it...I'm an asexual in the closet. I think in many ways it is harder to come out as Asexual than homosexual or bisexual. People have a lot harder time accepting that you don't find people attractive. They just can't get it through their heads that I don't find people sexual appealing....I only see beauty. But in anycase, only one person on earth knows i'm asexual and that was this girl who had this huge crush on me and read romance novels for the sex scenes. So I didn't want to be a jerk or anything. So I got her a yellow rose for valentines day along with a note saying that we needed to chat. I explained to her that I couldn't give her a red rose because the most I could be to her was a friend ( oh yea, yellow roses mean friendship). Then I simply said that I didn't find men or women sexual attractive....I just broke down at that point....I don't know why....I think it was when I finally accepted that I was asexual (this is before I knew what Asexual meant). I don't openly weep unless its something extreamly wonderful or sad...and those events happen MAYBE once a year. but I don't know. I'm just ranting at this point. Why not? I have an excuse.....I got to make up for the lack of writing going on. I still don't know how I feel about being asexual either. I sometimes think it is a curse...and sometimes I think it is a blessing. I mean, I look at my friends and they have all sorts of issues that bring them sadness and greif...and its all based upon sex....not relationships...just sex. And it is a constant soap opera with them. But still...I can never have a "normal" life. I don't want to end up 50, alone in an appartment reading a book or watching tv. That is just a downright scary depressive thing. I mean, I want to have some kind of partner. someone I can trust, and will be there to share in life's adventures. I also one day want to have kids. I don't know why. Everyone tells me that i will one day make a great father....but even though it was a complement, I feel saddened to an extent because I wish i could be a father...but I know i can't. Maybe it is just society and the image of life i grew up with. I don't know. Maybe i just don't want to end up alone, some old man who lives in an appartment alone. hmm....sometimes I think its a curse. I don't know. I remember when I was in 9th grade....all the "guys" were sexual ready...and i was just sitting around waiting. I prayed to be gay (this was back when i was still purely christian and my family was not to thrilled with homosexuals...i know....its just my family.) But I wished and hoped that something would happen. SOMETHING. but i guess I finally just accepted it. Oh well. But there is always hope. Who knows what life may bring. in any case, I am going to enjoy it. I only get one shot at it...(or in some belifes i may get alot of shots at it, but i wont be ME) so i better make it good. OK! I'm done ranting now...i have got to study for my multivarible test now. I guess I have sufficently made up for the lack of writing this past week. And on that note....I'M outta here....and now for the ending catch phrase:

B C N U!

WoMBaT

<< Don't do things these asexual people do to compensate their lack of introversion. Think about what you really need. >>

Sorry, some of us genuinely prefer romantic company. ;)

<< SORRY!

I meant "sexual" ok?

::Coughs:: Ignore my last e-mail then. I'm sure everyone ignores my e-mails anyway.

Don't do things these asexual people do to compensate their lack of introversion. Think about what you really need.

SORRY! I meant "sexual" ok?

thanks.

Ok....seriously....nobody posts anymore. Everybody was posting before I joined and a little bit after. Is april a busy month? Did easter/Spring Holiday suddenly become a week long event? hmm....OH WELL! I guess i will have to make up for it....again. HEHEHE. So....about my last e mail....thanks to all who responded....and the word hang up was pretty funny. But....thats just the thing....I have thought about what i REALLY want....and I want to have some kind of partner. I really do. Yes, i could go solo, but its just not my style. I like making people happy....apparently it's what i do best. and I enjoy people....well....nice people anyway....the mean people can say whatever the heck they want, it wouldn't phase me....I would just think that they are mean.....but I'm getting off subject. I REALLY want someone to share my life with. Heck, i'm not too sure I'm asexual.....In a pure physical sense, yes. But I find women emotioally attractive. Beauty if you want to call it. But I honestly don't think of sex. But i think i have made this point several times. But I would really like to find someone who i can relate to, respect, laugh with, and snuggle with....without the sex....and by my experinces online, I don't think there are too many asexuals (not to mention from the lack of posting). As far as the kids go....i don't need kids...hell, i can't even imagine kids at this point....they just seem like something that i may want in the future. But i keep on forgeting....i can't just wish them into existance....crap. oh well. But on the subject of Asexuality being a blessing/curse. Like all things, it can be both....depending on how you look at it. And i am not a half glass full person....I'm a "Oh, my glass is half full again....i think i'll go fill it up some more". lol, i'm starting to see why everyone thinks that I'm a hobbit in a big guys body. So I see it as a blessing. I mean, I would have come out compleatly different if i was sexual like everyone else. there are few guys who have a real respect for the oposite sex and who treat them as more than a peice of meat....i see it all the time and i just want to punch them. Men can be evil somedays. Well, so can women for that matter....oh....wait....this all comes from sexual tention doesnt it....hahahaha....it is a blessing isn't it. But in any case, i don't think i would be as "nice" as i am now if i was sexual. I wonder if my friends have picked up on my asexuality. people come to me for advise all the time...i just wonder if it is because i really don't look at them in a sexual way. I don't know....i'm just ranting again. well....i kinda have too cause nobody is posting. but in any case.....OH YEAH...that reminds me.....my school (of about 700, which i have renamed "The Shire" for this weekend because it was beautiful) publishes a newspaper and each newspaper has a comic section that is drawn by a student....one of them WAS HILLARIOUS....espesally as i am asexual....it goes "True Story: and has two ladies walking away from the cafeteria and she says "Billy totally didn't know he was supposed to come to my room last night"....and the other one says "Well, he's right behind us, why dont you say something?" ...and then the first one says "Oh, ok......HEY BILLY!"...and there is this guy who was whistling in the back ground....and the guys says "HI! Becky!" and continues to walk and whistle....then the first lady says "Geez, some guys wouldn't know a booty call if it bit them in the ass!".

OH MY GOD...i found that extreamly humorus. I wonder if it was me that the artist was talking about....maybe. Wouldn't supprise me because there are these three girls who are chasing after me currently and running into brick walls....cause i know they are heterosexual and I know that it's just not going to happen. I am more confy at the friend stage....as its the furthest i can go. from there i can only go one more step "Life long friend"....but you have to be a friend first. but anyway....geesh....i find life exteamly ironic at times...oh well....i like a little good irony. keeps me laughing at the curve balls life has to throw. Ah, spring.....i love spring. For the past 3 days, my campus has been heaven....i have renamed it "The Shire". But it is once again ironic....although i see perfection and the thing i dream about when i am really busy (myself reading a good book, surrouned by a few trees and few pretty bushes and grass, eating an apple, with my fencing foil beside me) although i see that, and did that, it didn't feel like it should...it felt like another day....that's what so cool about life. circumstances change....nothing is perfect....but in any case, it came pretty darn close this weekend. Napping in the sunshine in a nice feild of grass is sooooo relaxing.

But anyway...I have got to go....I think that is good enough for 10 days of non exisitant posting....I just hope some people post more than 20 words. I would like to see more rants! har har! how is everybody?! but anyway...i have got to go to bed so i can wake up and go buy my "Mead Making" supplies....yep, i'm brewing some mead. thats going to be good.

But in any case....

B C N U!

WoMBaT

P.S. POST!

i don't really see how one COULD reply to such a thing, it's like the page was barfed on with a mass of barely-connected thoughts.

my reason for (almost) never posting is that, after realising i was 'in fact' asexual, i don't see the need to talk about it. it's just a convenient label for me. since i don't like/want sexual contact, i rarely think about it. it's rather difficult to keep a conversation going about a topic that nobody professes to enjoy or believe in, and also a bit odd. it's somewhat like a bunch of rabid athiests talking about god all day - if they all agree that there is no god, why bother? it betrays an underlying insecurity.

tvaer aurar min,

byron

Post your free ad now! http://personals.yahoo.ca

It's probably a good thing that we don't post so much. Even though we're asexuals, I think that most of us go through our days without thinking about it too much. Sure, I've been asked questions about it, but only rarely. I may post about something that has happened to me, something I've heard or an item I've read, but I see no need to post about the daily highs and lows of an asexual. We don't have as strong a cause as, say, other "minorities" (I use the term very, very, loosely). There are no anti-asexual laws we need to protest in an attempt to repeal. We don't wear asexuality in our skin color or faces, so people can't tell what we are unless we tell them. No one is taking away our rights to vote or anything like that. There aren't frequent scientific breakthroughs in asexuality. My personal goals here are acceptance, recognition, and comaraderie, not frequent posting.

Hi all,

Introductory post. 40 years old, single male, living in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. I've never been married. It's been a long time since I've had a girlfriend, and even longer since I had sex. Truth to tell, sex is something about which I have a "take it or leave it" attitude; I also believe that by not having it, it's making my life a lot simpler. I've always had a low sex drive. If someone were to offer to have sex with me now, I'd turn them down.

I do find other people attractive in an abstract sort of way, and in fact I self-identify as bisexual (with a preference for women) because I acknowledge the potential for being attracted to/by both sexes. But that attraction is more theoretical than anything else. Then again, so is my attraction to women. It's like an expensive sports car: they might be nice to look at, but I don't want one of my own.

And surfing the net this evening, I found this group. So I read through the archives, joined, and decided to post.

My ideal "relationship" would be an emotionally close friendship, and I would be quite satisfied physically with hand-holding and the occasional hug. I almost have that now with someone. (And in a weird spin on bisexuality, the one I speak of is a woman who used to be a man... we're close friends, but I doubt it will ever go further than that.)

So that's me in a nutshell.

Cheers,

Glenn

Hi, My name is Eileen. I am very excited to see that this group actually exists!!. I belong to other yahoo groups, dealing with animal rescue and such. I would be very happy to talk with you all!! Needless to say, my sexual preference, which is none, (I love and prefer celibacy) has made me rather isolated. I look forward to talking with folks.

Hi Glenn, I am new to this group also. And concur with what you said. It is late and time to retire. I will write more later. Eileen

Hi all,

Introductory post. 40 years old, single male, living in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. I've never been married. It's been a long time since I've had a girlfriend, and even longer since I had sex. Truth to tell, sex is something about which I have a "take it or leave it" attitude; I also believe that by not having it, it's making my life a lot simpler. I've always had a low sex drive. If someone were to offer to have sex with me now, I'd turn them down.

I do find other people attractive in an abstract sort of way, and in fact I self-identify as bisexual (with a preference for women) because I acknowledge the potential for being attracted to/by both sexes. But that attraction is more theoretical than anything else. Then again, so is my attraction to women. It's like an expensive sports car: they might be nice to look at, but I don't want one of my own.

And surfing the net this evening, I found this group. So I read through the archives, joined, and decided to post.

My ideal "relationship" would be an emotionally close friendship, and I would be quite satisfied physically with hand-holding and the occasional hug. I almost have that now with someone. (And in a weird spin on bisexuality, the one I speak of is a woman who used to be a man... we're close friends, but I doubt it will ever go further than that.)

So that's me in a nutshell.

Cheers,

Glenn

We are human beings whether we are asexual or otherwise. We all have feelings and experiences. We all experience joy and sadness, togetherness and lonliness. I believe posting is okay and can be good. I haven't much time at the moment, but I will expand on this thought later. Thanks.

Hi, im new as well. Im against animal abuse aswell, but im not a freak about it

Do you Yahoo!? The New Yahoo! Search - Faster. Easier. Bingo. http://search.yahoo.com

I don't know, it's probably inertia: people send lots of messages when it's active and no messages when no one is active.

I can say "if you are asexual and you never reflected on it, you must be dumb", but in the other side I can say "if you are thinking too much on it on your daily life, you are either a philosopher or someone whose sexuality is affecting your life too much"

We are human beings whether we are asexual or otherwise. We all have feelings and experiences. We all experience joy and sadness, togetherness and lonliness. I believe posting is okay and can be good. I haven't much time at the moment, but I will expand on this thought later. Thanks.

Whoa! Where did all of the posts come from. I was going to post for the hell of it, but....wow. LOTTA POSTS! Although posts are not necessary, I LIKE THEM. Maybe it just makes me feel better to know that there are people out there who are like me in this rare gift/curse. But anyway...NICE TO SEE ALL THESE NEW PEOPLE! A BIG HELLO AND WELCOME GOES OUT TO ALL OF YOU! anyway...on with my rant. I only have 10 min to do it in.

I need some advice...possibly from some older asexuals. The problem is kinda good...but bad. See, I'm a nice guy and I feel HORIBLE when i accidently hurt other people....HORRIBLE. And the problem is that THERE ARE THESE LADIES WHO KEEP ON GETTING HIT ON ME! It makes me feel kinda good, but kinda bad. First off, it takes me FOREVER to actually realize i'm being hit on, and secondly....as you all can guess...I'm asexual. But they don't know this. I am an asexual in the closet. Now, on one hand, I don't want everyone to know that i'm asexual. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt their feelings by rejecting them. Don't get me wrong, I do want a relationship, and they are all very beautiful people...but they are also very hetrosexual and I know that if they knew, most would go looking elsewhere. I also don't want to loose any friendships I have built with them by ignoring them. AARRRG! I DON't KNOW WHAT TO DO! I already got in one relationship but i eventually had to tell her. and I did. Sat down and talked to her. We decided that we would remain friends. But I know her, and she can keep secrets VERY well. Two of the ladies who are currently interested in me are not very good secret keepers...and the other three...i don't know. Not to mention I don't know if i'm being hit on until its is PAINFULLY obivous...cause i just don't pick up on it. I get "hey, cameron/wombat" all the time just waling to my classes...but I don't think that is being hit on cause A) It's Warren Wilson...everyone is nice...this is the closest thing to utopia I will probebly ever see. B) Yes everyone who says hi is a lady, but thats just because that 70% of the college has the XX chromosome. C) My name is "WoMBaT" and with a nickname like that, how can't you be popular...or at least as popular goes around here at WWC. I guess i should say "Well liked". ANYWAY....oh crap.

TIMES UP

GOTTA RUN

PLease post some advice on how to deal with this.

THANX

BCNU WoMBaT

THERE ARE THESE LADIES WHO KEEP ON GETTING HIT ON ME! It makes me feel kinda good, but kinda bad. First off, it takes me FOREVER to actually realize i'm being hit on, and secondly....as you all can guess...I'm asexual. But they don't know this. I am an asexual in the closet. Now, on one hand, I don't want everyone to know that i'm asexual. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt their feelings by rejecting them. Don't get me wrong, I do want a relationship, and they are all very beautiful people...but they are also very hetrosexual and I know that if they knew, most would go looking elsewhere. I also don't want to loose any friendships I have built with them by ignoring them. AARRRG! I DON't KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Keep being their friend. Eventually, they will get tired of hitting on you and give up; in the meantime, if you've developed a friendship while this has been going on, the friendship will continue.

You said it yourself: you want a relationship, but they are "very heterosexual". So what they want and what you want seem to be very different things.

So... don't reject them. Just be their friend, and act oblivious to their attempts at something more.

Glenn

I already got in one relationship but i eventually had to tell her.

and I did. Sat down and talked to her. We decided that we would remain friends. But I know her, and she can keep secrets VERY well. Two of the ladies who are currently interested in me are not very good secret keepers...and the other three...i don't know. Not to mention I don't know if i'm being hit on until its is PAINFULLY obivous...cause i just don't pick up on it. I get "hey, cameron/wombat" all the time just waling to my classes...but I don't think that is being hit on cause A) It's Warren Wilson...everyone is nice...this is the closest thing to utopia I will probebly ever see. B) Yes everyone who says hi is a lady, but thats just because that 70% of the college has the XX chromosome. C) My name is "WoMBaT" and with a nickname like that, how can't you be popular...or at least as popular goes around here at WWC. I guess i should say "Well liked". ANYWAY....oh crap.

TIMES UP

GOTTA RUN

PLease post some advice on how to deal with this.

THANX

BCNU WoMBaT