Haven for the Human Amoeba

My name is Cijay and I'm a 41 (well, I will be this Friday) year old woman in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada (the place where it doesn't snow all year 'round but everyone thinks it does LOL). As everyone starts out saying, it's really great to find a list with people who are like me in this way and I'm sure you (pointing at 'you') know why and how frustrating it is to try to have friendships with members of the opposite sex only to have it crash in when they decide they're ready to "take the relationship to the next level". Just lost a very dear friend to that a few months back. His new "she" has commandeered his phone and social life *sigh*, it's so depressing, why would she feel threatened? I've known him for 20 years, if we were going to do anything, we'd've DUNNIT by now!

I live with my cat Sebastian (Spaz) and no less than a dozen dust bunnies around the place at any time (hey, everyone needs a hobby!). I think I have a good sense of humour, get a bit taxed by being with people for just too long, prefer to write. I'm a great snail mail pal if anyone is into long letters, I'll give you my address through the e-mail. Only thing is (and this is just me being anal, my problem, not yours) I really hate computer shorthand. "How R U, I M fine, Got 2 go" type of things. Acronyms are one thing but the shorthand I don't like. I AM interested in religions, I'm not committed to one, was raised in a Christian household but I have this wonderful mother who always encouraged me to look in all directions and follow my heart. I love religious celebrations of all sorts, I don't care if it's not politically correct to have a menorah and tree up at the same time. So, if anyone want to have spiritual chats, e-mail me. Just please don't e-mail me to tell me there's no God or that I'm evil for not commiting to one faith. I hope to get to know this gang as I pop in to visit, I'm glad to have found this club. Peace - Shalom - Salaam - Cijay (my friends shorten Cijay and call me Ceej sometimes :P)

It's Sociology 9th edition by John J. Macionis. They didn't write much, but at the time that was more than enough for me. I was happy it was even mentioned. ^^;;;; If people are interested, I can post up a scan of the pages.

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1. Re: Newbie popping in to say hello From: Jim Sinclair

Hello everyone! I'm a newbie here, and have recently discovered that there was a word for asexuality....from my sociology textbook *laugh*.

Wow! What textbook is that? I tried to write a research paper on asexuality for a communication studies course in 1987, and could not find ANY published references. I even stumped the librarian at the Kinsey Institute.

Jim Sinclair jisincla@...

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Hello... My name is Cassy and my roommate is asexual. I am very NOT asexual and am really trying to understand/cope with it and I think it would help me to communicate with some other asexuals. For one thing, I am perplexed that someone can be asexual without having sex atleast one time. My roommate has NEVER had sex and has no desire to do so. I am very much attracted to him and I think I am inlove with him as well. He does get erections and he masturbates but not necessiarily about sex or women. He doesn't think he's gay but he's not that attracted to women either. I think he might be a little bit but not enough to ever persue sex. I have tried to go to bed with him he barely could give me a kiss. He says sex is too much of a hassle and WHY does he have to have it? Who says he has to? I DO! PLEASE HELP ME understand this better so I can be a good friend.

Hi Cassy,

I'm going to present an alternate scenario to you, and the answer you come up with in your mind might give you insight as to how you choose to handle this.

What if your roommate were convinced that he were gay - but had never had sex with another man before? Would you still feel that he *should* have sex with a woman just "to be sure", or would you respect that he knows what he wants and that he's simply not interested in what he might be missing?

Do you think it appropriate for men to say of lesbians, "oh, if she just had the right guy she would never go back?"

I don't ask this to be disrespectful at all. I understand that you are struggling to comprehend why someone might have little to no interest in something you consider to be really important (as well as pleasurable and fun!) in your life. Asexuals deal with this all the time. But as one who HAS had sex, with multiple partners, and STILL doesn't care for it, I can tell you that most of the time when an asexual has sex they're doing it just to please the other person. And just because they may physically react to the "right" stimuli, that doesn't mean that an asexual is going to enjoy sex the way a sexual person would.

So Cassy, say you manage to get your guy in bed with you. If he doesn't like it, will you be disappointed? Will you feel guilty if you know he's just doing it to make YOU happy? Is your love for him going to be enough for you to enjoy the friendship and relationship that you have now, the way it is now?

These are difficult questions! But as someone who has lost the closeness of more than one friend over this issue, I beg you to seriously consider them. Don't make your friend do something he doesn't want to - it will only strain yo.

Hi Kristen, Everyone here will probably give you a different answer because I don't know that any two people are the same. I know it doesn't help for me to tell you to not feel rejected and unloved. He wouldn't be beating himself up about it if he didn't love you, he'd just be gone. The fact that he's stressing out over this answers that question. If he is asexual then there's a chance that he slept with that girl in college on a dare or to try to be one of the guys but there are a million different instances. Some asexuals just have a low sex drive, others (as me) have none. Sometimes there's a psychological reason (outside causes), other times it's physical, just wired differently. I can only answer your questions as me, can't speak for anyone else but yes, there is definitely a capability to have intimate feelings without them being sexual. I think that's one of the most frustrating things. For some reason, everyone can say 'you can have sex without love i.e. hookers, rape etc but they can't seem to turn it around and say 'you can have love without sex'. I knew I was asexual even in highschool but it really isn't much different than if I'd been lesbian, having to hide the fact by drooling over movie/pop stars and football players in the hallway. And I DO admire physical qualities when they look nice, it just may be on a man or a woman - like, if someone has a nice butt, it's like I look at it as a "work or art" and it could just as well be on a woman. As far as how do I feel about sex? It's like it's not there. I mean, I went to make-out parties in highschool but...I just didn't feel anything inside, not with a man or a woman. (I've never been with another woman but what I mean is that I didn't fantasise about being with a woman when I was with a guy). The only way I can explain it is that "it's not there". It took a long time for me to finally find out what it was and, instead of trying to 'fix it' or find out why, finally accepting that this is who God created me to be. (I won't get all glory-hallelujah on you, I'm spiritual, not religious).

Like I said, I can only answer as myself, it'll be interesting to read others' perspectives. If you have any other questions, ask here or feel free to e-mail me. (put humanamoeba on the subject line tho' so I don't delete it).

Dear Group, I have suspicions that my boyfriend may be asexual, and it is causing tremendous strain. We have been together the past year and we have never had sex. He is almost 30, and has had sex with one girl back in college. He had another relationship between her and me for two years, but they never slept together. When I try to ask why he doesn't want to, I never get a clear answer, if any at all. I'm not sure even he knows. I feel rejected and unloved, he's stressed that he always disappoints me. I could use your help to figure this out. I just want to understand. And if it is the case, I want to help him understand so he doesn't beat himself up for it. How did you first know you were asexual? Do you feel disgust, fear, or simply indifference when it comes to sex? Are intimate feelings felt, and they're just not sexual? Are there any outside causes for this, or is it just a way of being? Is it temporary? Any advice you guys could give me would be extremely helpful. Thank you so much, K

Hi, my name is Dave White and although friendships, rather than sexual relationships, have been at the center of my life for my whole 31 years, I have just discovered the Asexuality movement. Yay! Many of the things I've read so far on human amoeba and asexuality.org really strike a chord with my experience.

It is kind of sad that I didn't find out about you guys before, because I've been working on my own "parallel" outreach effort at www.celebratefriendship.org for about three years, feeling more alone than I actually appear to be.

Anyhow, what I have been working on is primarily my website, my new online group (which is also on Yahoo Groups at cfriendshipopen) and an in-person social group for people seeking serious nonsexual friendships (whether they have sexual relationships or not) in **MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA** (hint, hint, for anyone who lives here). ("Serious" means "don't drop your friends when you get a new partner," "don't think friendship has to be devoid of affection," "men who can talk about other things besides sports," you know, that sort of thing.) Both groups are in an embryonic stage, so anyone who either wants to join or has ideas about supporting asexual people's friendships is welcome to write me. My information on these groups is at http://www.celebratefriendship.org/groups.htm; more information about me personally is at http://www.celebratefriendship.org/me.htm.

My website deals primarily with the status difference between sexual and nonsexual relationships in our society (which it challenges, naturally), and it has lots of history and cross-cultural information showing that plenty of "sexual" people in other countries have valued friendship more than most Americans let themselves do, etc.

I look forward to learning from this community, both in terms of meeting other people who prefer not to be sexual, and in terms of organizing a successful community around a topic most people haven't heard of. As I said before, I'm very impressed.

Dave White www.celebratefriendship.org (dave@...) "Where Friendship Isn't Secondary"

Crazy. I've actually visited your website many times, but not recently. Friendship has always been important to my role as an asexual, which is unfortunate because friendship is so often devalued in our oversexed society. Glad to have you aboard.

[email protected], "davelwhite"

Hi, my name is Dave White and although friendships, rather than sexual relationships, have been at the center of my life for my whole 31 years, I have just discovered the Asexuality movement. Yay! Many of the things I've read so far on human amoeba and asexuality.org really strike a chord with my experience.

It is kind of sad that I didn't find out about you guys before, because I've been working on my own "parallel" outreach effort at www.celebratefriendship.org for about three years, feeling more alone than I actually appear to be.

Anyhow, what I have been working on is primarily my website, my new online group (which is also on Yahoo Groups at cfriendshipopen) and an in-person social group for people seeking serious nonsexual friendships (whether they have sexual relationships or not) in **MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA** (hint, hint, for anyone who lives here). ("Serious" means "don't drop your friends when you get a new partner," "don't think friendship has to be devoid of affection," "men who can talk about other things besides sports," you know, that sort of thing.) Both groups are in an embryonic stage, so anyone who either wants to join or has ideas about supporting asexual people's friendships is welcome to write me. My information on these groups is at http://www.celebratefriendship.org/groups.htm; more information about me personally is at http://www.celebratefriendship.org/me.htm.

My website deals primarily with the status difference between sexual and nonsexual relationships in our society (which it challenges, naturally), and it has lots of history and cross-cultural information showing that plenty of "sexual" people in other countries have valued friendship more than most Americans let themselves do, etc.

I look forward to learning from this community, both in terms of meeting other people who prefer not to be sexual, and in terms of organizing a successful community around a topic most people haven't heard of. As I said before, I'm very impressed.

Dave White www.celebratefriendship.org (dave@c...) "Where Friendship Isn't Secondary"

Sorry! Apparently my message got cut off... I wanted to say it will strain your relationship...

I do wish you good luck in sorting the whole thing out. I hope you two can be happy together, truly.

Hi Cassy,

I'm going to present an alternate scenario to you, and the answer you come up with in your mind might give you insight as to how you choose to handle this.

What if your roommate were convinced that he were gay - but had never had sex with another man before? Would you still feel that he *should* have sex with a woman just "to be sure", or would you respect that he knows what he wants and that he's simply not interested in what he might be missing?

Do you think it appropriate for men to say of lesbians, "oh, if she just had the right guy she would never go back?"

I don't ask this to be disrespectful at all. I understand that you are struggling to comprehend why someone might have little to no interest in something you consider to be really important (as well as pleasurable and fun!) in your life. Asexuals deal with this all the time. But as one who HAS had sex, with multiple partners, and STILL doesn't care for it, I can tell you that most of the time when an asexual has sex they're doing it just to please the other person. And just because they may physically react to the "right" stimuli, that doesn't mean that an asexual is going to enjoy sex the way a sexual person would.

So Cassy, say you manage to get your guy in bed with you. If he doesn't like it, will you be disappointed? Will you feel guilty if you know he's just doing it to make YOU happy? Is your love for him going to be enough for you to enjoy the friendship and relationship that you have now, the way it is now?

These are difficult questions! But as someone who has lost the closeness of more than one friend over this issue, I beg you to seriously consider them. Don't make your friend do something he doesn't want to - it will only strain yo.

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My name is Cijay and I'm a 41 (well, I will be this Friday) year old woman in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada (the place where it doesn't snow all year 'round but everyone thinks it does LOL).

Just because we had our first snowfall the last week of October... :)

Hmm... 41, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada... there's something familiar about that... can't quite place it, though...

Glenn Edmonton, AB Age 41

Hey, cool, there are two of us here???

Cijay said:

My name is Cijay and I'm a 41 (well, I will be this Friday) year old woman in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada (the place where it doesn't snow all year 'round but everyone thinks it does LOL).

Just because we had our first snowfall the last week of October... :)

Hmm... 41, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada... there's something familiar about that... can't quite place it, though...

Glenn Edmonton, AB Age 41

It is possible that yr boyfriend is asexual..nothing wrong w/ that. I hope not to offend anyone by saying this, but is it possible that he may have been sexually abused in his younger years? Something 2 consider. I am asexual because of past trauma and also my medications make it to where I have no sex drive. I have absolutely no desire for sex at all. I find it to uncomfortable and I end up feeling "nothing" from it except for "when is it going to be over with". As someone else mentioned, I usually gave in to sex only to please my partner. Intimacy is very hard for me. I would like 2 be in a relationship w/ another asexual. I like being w/ another man, just not in a sexual manner. Hope this helps some.

-Reesa-

Dear Group, I have suspicions that my boyfriend may be asexual, and it is causing tremendous strain. We have been together the past year and we have never had sex. He is almost 30, and has had sex with one girl back in college. He had another relationship between her and me for two years, but they never slept together. When I try to ask why he doesn't want to, I never get a clear answer, if any at all. I'm not sure even he knows. I feel rejected and unloved, he's stressed that he always disappoints me. I could use your help to figure this out. I just want to understand. And if it is the case, I want to help him understand so he doesn't beat himself up for it. How did you first know you were asexual? Do you feel disgust, fear, or simply indifference when it comes to sex? Are intimate feelings felt, and they're just not sexual? Are there any outside causes for this, or is it just a way of being? Is it temporary? Any advice you guys could give me would be extremely helpful. Thank you so much, K

Hi, I typed up a reply for you, but it's not on the board.??? Anyways, it may be that yr boyfriend was sexually abused as a youth, or it may be that he just isin't into sex-asexual. I think it's great that you have respected him thus far, however I also think that he owes you an explanation so that you can decide if you can live a life w/ him not wanting sex. I am asexual due to past trauma (rape) and also because of medications that kill the sex drive. I also fear intimacy and allowing myself to become that vulverable. I have had sex several times before, but just did it to please my man. Hope this helps some.

Reesa

Dear Group, I have suspicions that my boyfriend may be asexual, and it is causing tremendous strain. We have been together the past year and we have never had sex. He is almost 30, and has had sex with one girl back in college. He had another relationship between her and me for two years, but they never slept together. When I try to ask why he doesn't want to, I never get a clear answer, if any at all. I'm not sure even he knows. I feel rejected and unloved, he's stressed that he always disappoints me. I could use your help to figure this out. I just want to understand. And if it is the case, I want to help him understand so he doesn't beat himself up for it. How did you first know you were asexual? Do you feel disgust, fear, or simply indifference when it comes to sex? Are intimate feelings felt, and they're just not sexual? Are there any outside causes for this, or is it just a way of being? Is it temporary? Any advice you guys could give me would be extremely helpful. Thank you so much, K

Hello Cijay, Welcome aboard. You caught my attention because one of my hobbies/interests is and has been studdying world religions. I was raised Catholic than converted to Islam and now I do not believe in "organized" religion. I'm a very spiritual person, not religious. I love to email and would like to get to know you.

-Reesa-

My name is Cijay and I'm a 41 (well, I will be this Friday) year old woman in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada (the place where it doesn't snow all year 'round but everyone thinks it does LOL). As everyone starts out saying, it's really great to find a list with people who are like me in this way and I'm sure you (pointing at 'you') know why and how frustrating it is to try to have friendships with members of the opposite sex only to have it crash in when they decide they're ready to "take the relationship to the next level". Just lost a very dear friend to that a few months back. His new "she" has commandeered his phone and social life *sigh*, it's so depressing, why would she feel threatened? I've known him for 20 years, if we were going to do anything, we'd've DUNNIT by now!

I live with my cat Sebastian (Spaz) and no less than a dozen dust bunnies around the place at any time (hey, everyone needs a hobby!). I think I have a good sense of humour, get a bit taxed by being with people for just too long, prefer to write. I'm a great snail mail pal if anyone is into long letters, I'll give you my address through the e-mail. Only thing is (and this is just me being anal, my problem, not yours) I really hate computer shorthand. "How R U, I M fine, Got 2 go" type of things. Acronyms are one thing but the shorthand I don't like. I AM interested in religions, I'm not committed to one, was raised in a Christian household but I have this wonderful mother who always encouraged me to look in all directions and follow my heart. I love religious celebrations of all sorts, I don't care if it's not politically correct to have a menorah and tree up at the same time. So, if anyone want to have spiritual chats, e-mail me. Just please don't e-mail me to tell me there's no God or that I'm evil for not commiting to one faith. I hope to get to know this gang as I pop in to visit, I'm glad to have found this club. Peace - Shalom - Salaam - Cijay (my friends shorten Cijay and call me Ceej sometimes :P)

cool! Drop me an e-mail cijaym@...

Hello Cijay, Welcome aboard. You caught my attention because one of my hobbies/interests is and has been studdying world religions. I was raised Catholic than converted to Islam and now I do not believe in "organized" religion. I'm a very spiritual person, not religious. I love to email and would like to get to know you.

-Reesa-

Cijay said:

My name is Cijay and I'm a 41 (well, I will be this Friday) year old woman in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada (the place where it doesn't snow all year 'round but everyone thinks it does LOL). As everyone starts out saying, it's really great to find a list with people who are like me in this way and I'm sure you (pointing at 'you') know why and how frustrating it is to try to have friendships with members of the opposite sex only to have it crash in when they decide they're ready to "take the relationship to the next level". Just lost a very dear friend to that a few months back. His new "she" has commandeered his phone and social life *sigh*, it's so depressing, why would she feel threatened? I've known him for 20 years, if we were going to do anything, we'd've DUNNIT by now!

I live with my cat Sebastian (Spaz) and no less than a dozen dust bunnies around the place at any time (hey, everyone needs a hobby!). I think I have a good sense of humour, get a bit taxed by being with people for just too long, prefer to write. I'm a great snail mail pal if anyone is into long letters, I'll give you my address through the e-mail. Only thing is (and this is just me being anal, my problem, not yours) I really hate computer shorthand. "How R U, I M fine, Got 2 go" type of things. Acronyms are one thing but the shorthand I don't like. I AM interested in religions, I'm not committed to one, was raised in a Christian household but I have this wonderful mother who always encouraged me to look in all directions and follow my heart. I love religious celebrations of all sorts, I don't care if it's not politically correct to have a menorah and tree up at the same time. So, if anyone want to have spiritual chats, e-mail me. Just please don't e-mail me to tell me there's no God or that I'm evil for not commiting to one faith. I hope to get to know this gang as I pop in to visit, I'm glad to have found this club. Peace - Shalom - Salaam - Cijay (my friends shorten Cijay and call me Ceej sometimes :P)

Hello there.

I've just been doing some reading on the subject and I reconaize a lot in it, I think I may be a asexual. I think it may have something to do with heavy operations and drugs I had as a child but Ive never had any sexual feelings towards anyone, not ones I wanted to put into practice anyway. My fantasies are very romantic but thats about it. Im 29 now and yes...still a virgin. I've been in love but luckily (?) with men who wouldnt be potential lovers anyway as they were married or moved to another country. I like men, I like flirting, I putting my arms around them, I like kissing them but I dont want to take it any further. Im not a lesbian, i find the idea of having sex with another woman almost more disgusting then having sex with a man. I have a very happy live, I work, I have many friends, a great hobby, etc. But in my life I have never had a serious relationship. And to be honest, I dont think I want one except perhaps because I feel I should at least try that once. But try and find another asexual who would want to live with me!

Now there are two options. I can continue being a asexual, live happily ever after, perhaps find a partner, etc. Or I could try and figure our why I am a asexual and perhaps find a way of doing something about it.

The problem with asexuality is ofcourse that we dont see it as a problem, but what if someone could make us sexual all of a sudden...would we realise that we have missed something so essential in our lives?

Life would be perfect if I would find another asexual who would like to try living together. Ofcourse I am in the cupboard, I think I will always remain there as I dont feel its anyones business what sexuality I am. If I was a lesbian I wouldnt tell anyone either but I wouldnt hide it either. They should just figure it out themself. Being a asexual is easy to hide ;)

My main problem is that somehow man find me very atractive, they keep throwing themself at me. I keep sending them away but its unpleasand, especially as most of these men are or used to be good friends first.

Adrienne

Hi.

You all know that sex not only involves the act, bla bla bla... Sex has a nasty character. Sexual activity is for many a rite of passage (to the adult stage).

It doesn't happen here in Brazil, but there in U.S I see the word "Adult" has a sexual connotation, which reinforces that thing I said about becoming "adult".

Adults do things kids can't. Adults are things kids aren't.

I say this becase I associate this way too, I feel like if I were still a child or a teen sometimes - that's why I think I have an attraction for unconventional stuff (clothing, music, people, places, etc) - that would be my way to feel nasty - in other words - adult.

PS: I didn't make any question, but it wasn't needed anyway - we not only reply questions, but declarations and ideas as well.

Thank you so much, Cijay and Reesa, for replying to my posting. My boyfriend and I have since broken up, but at least now I have a better understanding of where he might have been coming from. We are still friends and I hope in the future we can begin again from a better place. It was so kind of you to share elements of your pesonal lives. I very much appreciate it. Thank you again, Kristen

--- In [email protected], teddybear16203 < no_reply@y...> wrote:

It is possible that yr boyfriend is asexual..nothing wrong w/ that.

I hope not to offend anyone by saying this, but is it possible that he may have been sexually abused in his younger years? Something 2 consider. I am asexual because of past trauma and also my medications make it to where I have no sex drive. I have absolutely no desire for sex at all. I find it to uncomfortable and I end up feeling "nothing" from it except for "when is it going to be over with". As someone else mentioned, I usually gave in to sex only to please my partner. Intimacy is very hard for me. I would like 2 be in a relationship w/ another asexual. I like being w/ another man, just not in a sexual manner. Hope this helps some.

-Reesa-

strongbadfan3 said:

Dear Group, I have suspicions that my boyfriend may be asexual, and it is causing tremendous strain. We have been together the past year and we have never had sex. He is almost 30, and has had sex with one girl back in college. He had another relationship between her and me for two years, but they never slept together. When I try to ask why he doesn't want to, I never get a clear answer, if any at all. I'm not sure even he knows. I feel rejected and unloved, he's stressed that he always disappoints me. I could use your help to figure this out. I just want to understand. And if it is the case, I want to help him understand so he doesn't beat himself up for it. How did you first know you were asexual? Do you feel disgust, fear, or simply indifference when it comes to sex? Are intimate feelings felt, and they're just not sexual? Are there any outside causes for this, or is it just a way of being? Is it temporary? Any advice you guys could give me would be extremely helpful. Thank you so much, K

Sometimes I feel like sex is for the lesser mortal. Like people are somehow primitive because they let themselves be controlled by their hormones. I go back and forth from being happy that I don't feel sexual to being jealous that I am not like the others. I hope I one day reconcile this.

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1. Nasty Stuff (Being Adult) From: "nargothic" <nargothic@...>

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Message

1

Date

Mon, 10 Nov 2003 14:19:02 -0000

From

"nargothic" <nargothic@...>

Subject

Nasty Stuff (Being Adult)

Hi.

You all know that sex not only involves the act, bla bla bla... Sex has a nasty character. Sexual activity is for many a rite of passage (to the adult stage).

It doesn't happen here in Brazil, but there in U.S I see the word "Adult" has a sexual connotation, which reinforces that thing I said about becoming "adult".

Adults do things kids can't. Adults are things kids aren't.

I say this becase I associate this way too, I feel like if I were still a child or a teen sometimes - that's why I think I have an attraction for unconventional stuff (clothing, music, people, places, etc) - that would be my way to feel nasty - in other words - adult.

PS: I didn't make any question, but it wasn't needed anyway - we not only reply questions, but declarations and ideas as well.

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I used to do that too, until I thought about not only the health issues (in the dating scene) and the emotional investment to learn that someone is screwing someone else or base their friendship on sexual involvement that I don't feel bad at all that I'm not vulnerable. It's hard to have friends who say "yeah, yeah, right, we'll just be friends" only to learn they're just 'waiting' for me to say 'yes'.

Sometimes I feel like sex is for the lesser mortal. Like people are somehow primitive because they let themselves be controlled by their hormones. I go back and forth from being happy that I don't feel sexual to being jealous that I am not like the others. I hope I one day reconcile this.

[email protected] said:

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There is 1 message in this issue.

Topics in this digest:

1. Nasty Stuff (Being Adult) From: "nargothic" <nargothic@y...>

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Message

1

Date

Mon, 10 Nov 2003 14:19:02 -0000

From

"nargothic" <nargothic@y...>

Subject

Nasty Stuff (Being Adult)

Hi.

You all know that sex not only involves the act, bla bla bla... Sex has a nasty character. Sexual activity is for many a rite of passage (to the adult stage).

It doesn't happen here in Brazil, but there in U.S I see the word "Adult" has a sexual connotation, which reinforces that thing I said about becoming "adult".

Adults do things kids can't. Adults are things kids aren't.

I say this becase I associate this way too, I feel like if I were still a child or a teen sometimes - that's why I think I have an attraction for unconventional stuff (clothing, music, people, places, etc) - that would be my way to feel nasty - in other words - adult.

PS: I didn't make any question, but it wasn't needed anyway - we not only reply questions, but declarations and ideas as well.

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Sometimes I feel like sex is for the lesser mortal. Like people are somehow primitive because they let themselves be controlled by their hormones. I go back and forth from being happy that I don't feel sexual to being jealous that I am not like the others. I hope I one day reconcile this.

I reconciled that a long time ago. My belief is that my lack of sex drive makes my life a lot less complicated. I've seen people stay in unhealthy relationships because of sex. Since I am not driven by the need for sex, I am able to remain independent. And once or twice along the way, women who have tried to use sex as a lure in order to get some kind of favour from me have failed miserably. I'm just not interested.

An interesting side-effect is, as I get older (I'm 41 now), I've had women (particularly lesbians) tell me that I come across as "non-threatening" -- they can somehow sense that I have no interest in them sexually. Which puts them at ease.

glenn

I agree that most women who are not interested in sex with men (whether they be lesbians, asexual, etc.) are put at ease by men who are 'benign.' I would love to befriend a man like that, but I can't seem to find any!

I agree that most women who are not interested in sex with men (whether they be lesbians, asexual, etc.) are put at ease by men who are 'benign.' I would love to befriend a man like that, but I can't seem to find any!

Try gay men. I've met some very nice ones and you never have to worry they'll hit on you. Many men working in escort services are gay because of this reason.

Therese Shellabarger / The Roving Reporter - Civis Mundi tlshell@... / http://www.concentric.net/~tlshell

Hi, adrienne, it is a pity your dont live in the states, i am in your same situation and still looking, dont give up, you deserve the chance.

Hello there.

I've just been doing some reading on the subject and I reconaize a lot in it, I think I may be a asexual. I think it may have something to do with heavy operations and drugs I had as a child but Ive never had any sexual feelings towards anyone, not ones I wanted to put into practice anyway. My fantasies are very romantic but thats about it. Im 29 now and yes...still a virgin. I've been in love but luckily (?) with men who wouldnt be potential lovers anyway as they were married or moved to another country. I like men, I like flirting, I putting my arms around them, I like kissing them but I dont want to take it any further. Im not a lesbian, i find the idea of having sex with another woman almost more disgusting then having sex with a man. I have a very happy live, I work, I have many friends, a great hobby, etc. But in my life I have never had a serious relationship. And to be honest, I dont think I want one except perhaps because I feel I should at least try that once. But try and find another asexual who would want to live with me!

Now there are two options. I can continue being a asexual, live happily ever after, perhaps find a partner, etc. Or I could try and figure our why I am a asexual and perhaps find a way of doing something about it.

The problem with asexuality is ofcourse that we dont see it as a problem, but what if someone could make us sexual all of a sudden...would we realise that we have missed something so essential in our lives?

Life would be perfect if I would find another asexual who would like to try living together. Ofcourse I am in the cupboard, I think I will always remain there as I dont feel its anyones business what sexuality I am. If I was a lesbian I wouldnt tell anyone either but I wouldnt hide it either. They should just figure it out themself. Being a asexual is easy to hide ;)

My main problem is that somehow man find me very atractive, they keep throwing themself at me. I keep sending them away but its unpleasand, especially as most of these men are or used to be good friends first.

Adrienne

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I agree that most women who are not interested in sex with men (whether they be lesbians, asexual, etc.) are put at ease by men who are 'benign.' I would love to befriend a man like that, but I can't seem to find any!

Try gay men. I've met some very nice ones and you never have to worry they'll hit on you. Many men working in escort services are gay because of this reason.

If you don't care about a guy complaining that your trousers doesn't match your sweater, than ok, call a gay man "benign". You must be talking about those very effeminate ones.

I agree that most women who are not interested in sex with men (whether they be lesbians, asexual, etc.) are put at ease by men who are 'benign.' I would love to befriend a man like that, but I can't seem to find any!

Try gay men. I've met some very nice ones and you never have to worry they'll hit on you. Many men working in escort services are gay because of this reason.

If you don't care about a guy complaining that your trousers doesn't match your sweater, than ok, call a gay man "benign". You must be talking about those very effeminate ones.

First of all, nothing wrong with effeminate! Secondly, not all gay guys are obvious. I have a very good gay friend who looks and acts very average male and is neither aggressive nor effeminate. As I recall, the actor Rock Hudson shocked members of the public when they found out he was gay.

Therese Shellabarger / The Roving Reporter - Civis Mundi tlshell@... / http://www.concentric.net/~tlshell