Haven for the Human Amoeba

Ok, this topic has overstayed its welcome.

for openers.. in my exp there's no such thing as "luck". second of all.. I have had only a few "encounters" of that nature.. and only ended up getting dumped and ended up being totally in the dark as to what went wrong...>>

I wasn't even there and I can tell you what went wrong...possibly your approach and definitely your attitude! All I've ever seen you talk about are wargames, how horrible women are, and your weird "inferior males" complex. You send out misogynist vibes even via the internet, so I can only imagine how this comes off in person. <<this sick game called dating is totally stacked

against the males these days..>>

That's so weird because some guys date. It does happen...and it happens frequently. Dating is not and has never been a battle between sexes. Sure that may happen with certain couples, but you make it sound like the entire world is a dating warzone. It's just you. Also, you can't give a "you snooze, you lose" ultimatum to an entire gender. That's ridiculous. If you'd asked that woman out before and she'd rejected you coldly that's one thing, but you can't go around saying "Oh, you weren't around before I swore off women, so I will ignore you". That's like me ignoring all men because no one asked me to my junior prom.

No, I don't think it has. I don't think our friend recognises his shoddy opinions (possibly treatment) of women is a bit...small. Where I'm from (and most places), going for coffee means you go somewhere and drink coffee/pop and talk. It's not putting the moves on a person or an offer to boink, court/marry etc etc. It's going out for coffee. How that can be perceived as anything else is up to the recipient and THAT, more than anything else is what stops people from just inviting others out for coffee. I'm sure if this woman knew how adverse he was to the whole situation or how inviting them out is a horrible thing to do to someone, she'd have saved her time and precious oxygen in asking.

As for dating being stacked against males...bah-ha-ha-ha-ha! That is where the title of the thread "I don't believe this" comes in handy. This is the last place I expected to find gender bashing.

Ok, this topic has overstayed its welcome.

for openers.. in my exp there's no such thing as "luck". second of all.. I have had only a few "encounters" of that nature.. and only ended up getting dumped and ended up being totally in the dark as to what went wrong...>>

I wasn't even there and I can tell you what went wrong...possibly your approach and definitely your attitude! All I've ever seen you talk about are wargames, how horrible women are, and your weird "inferior males" complex. You send out misogynist vibes even via the internet, so I can only imagine how this comes off in person. <<this sick game called dating is totally stacked

against the males these days..>>

That's so weird because some guys date. It does happen...and it happens frequently. Dating is not and has never been a battle between sexes. Sure that may happen with certain couples, but you make it sound like the entire world is a dating warzone. It's just you. Also, you can't give a "you snooze, you lose" ultimatum to an entire gender. That's ridiculous. If you'd asked that woman out before and she'd rejected you coldly that's one thing, but you can't go around saying "Oh, you weren't around before I swore off women, so I will ignore you". That's like me ignoring all men because no one asked me to my junior prom.

Way back on Sun, 12 Oct 2003 tlshell@... wrote:

that's the suggestion - it's not mine actually, I had it talking to a friend who's graduating in psychology.

I already have a degree in psychology, and I think your friend's theory reflects his/her own inability to conceptualize the fact that some of us really don't have a sex drive to begin with, so there's nothing to repress. Thinking,"Oh, it's just not possible for you to be truly that different from me, so you must *really* have these feelings and just not be aware of them" is an enormously self-centered, disrespectful, and invalidating way to relate to someone who is different from oneself. It's also reminiscent of the idea that gay people are really just straight people who have unconscious sexual conflicts, or past traumas with heterosexual relationships, so even if they *think* they're gay, with the right therapy they could resolve their subconscious problems and realize their "true" heterosexual feelings. Know any gay people who would buy into that??

Interesting one...as I score very much as an introvert. (INTJ if anyone's interested.)

I've been wondering, do assexuals all avoid close relationships with people,

Nope. I just make sure that anyone I get close to knows from the outset that wherever this relationship leads, it's not going anywhere sexual. There are plenty of ways to be close without a sexual aspect!

or do some of you have "partners" who share your outlook?

If you mean "partner" in the sense of a marriage-type relationship, but without sex, I'm not interested in copying a relationship model that was designed by and for sexual people. So I'm not looking for a partner. I have had some extremely close, emotionally (and even physically) intimate relationships, where sex didn't enter into it. And I've had two relationships where the other person said (and probably really believed, in one case) that we could be close and intimate and it didn't have to be sexual, only to have it turn out that it *did* turn sexual for them. This was very hurtful. I don't think I'd be willing to risk getting that close again with a sexual person. Not that I don't believe it can ever work (I've had one experience where it *did* work and was wonderful), just that the risk is too high.

And also, how does one go about meeting other assexuals? People in the LBG community can go to events, gay/lesbian bars, etc., but what do assexuals do?

Participate in Internet forums? :-)

What do you want to meet other asexuals for? Looking for a partner? I actually saw an online dating service a few months ago (sorry, I don't remember where and didn't save the details, because I wasn't interested in dating services but was just doing a general search on asexuality) where people could classify their orientation as straight, gay, bisexual, or asexual. I don't know how many asexual people signed up for it, or what the match-up rate is.

I've met several other asexual people just by being "out" about being asexual myself. I have some friends who are asexual. Since I'm not looking for a partner, I don't relate to my asexual friends any differently than I relate to my sexual friends. It's just a data point that I happen to know about them, and sometimes we do commiserate about frustrations and misunderstandings when everyone is expected to be sexual, but for the most part it's just not a big deal.

And while I'm on the topic, can one be both gay or lesbian and assexual?

Well, I have one friend who would probably fall into that category. As I understand it, she considers herself culturally to be part of the gay community and gay culture, feels accepted and understood in the gay community, and she knows (don't ask me how) that *if* she had any interest in sexuality, it would be with other women. Maybe it's a matter of a selective emotional response to members of the same vs. the opposite gender? I don't have such selectivity in my emotional attachments, which leads me to suspect that if I had a sex drive, then I would be bisexual. As it is, though, I'm bi-asexual, and that's just fine with me. :-)

Jim Sinclair jisincla@...

Fascinating. Actually, I am rather self-sufficient, but as I get older, I feel it is less safe to live alone. I wish I could find a community of others like me that I could live among so that we could protect each other and also I wish that there was some way to split expenses, that's the part that really drags me down, is having to pay all the rent etc. 100%. And when I was unemployed, boy, that was a real problem!

I also have a compounding issue, that I would prefer someone who is deaf, or hard of hearing like me. I suppose the more cross-indexing one has to do to find a willing partner, the lower the chances are of finding the right match, but there it is. And I do prefer another female, which is why I wondered if there could be gay/lesbian assexuals.

Have you considered just looking for a *housemate*? If it's just someone you can get along with and coexist with peacefully, there doesn't need to be any huge emotional relationship. If the other person is sexually involved with someone else, so what? She's just your housemate, not your partner. In fact, you might even find a stable established lesbian couple that wants to share a house and split expenses.

Jim Sinclair jisincla@...

Het or gay housemates don't always work out because they go into heat and bugger off on ya anyway LOL. That's the only way I can describe it. I hear the people who are looking for other asexuals and, yes I'd say it could be called "looking for a partner", someone who will share an a-sexual (but can be physical) relationship/partnership that won't have "#3" come along and take them away. I don't want a housemate but I would like an asexual "partner", pref. another woman (just a comfort level thing at the moment). There's a ton of things I miss from my non-sexual relationship with a friend who has recently 'gone into heat'. Esp. driving around the city looking at Christmas lights. I miss that so much and they're just all starting to decorate so beautifully.

Have you considered just looking for a *housemate*? If it's just someone you can get along with and coexist with peacefully, there doesn't need to be any huge emotional relationship. If the other person is sexually involved with someone else, so what? She's just your housemate, not your partner. In fact, you might even find a stable established lesbian couple that wants to share a house and split expenses.

Yeah, I've had a housemate before, it didn't work out. They wanted too much attention...it has to be someone who is emotionally self-sufficient enough that they don't feel neglected if I don't talk to them for more than five minutes in a day, so I think an assexual would be better. Once in awhile though, I wish I had a "hugging friend" because I would like that. I have a good friend who lives miles away now, I miss her because she and I could have hugs once in awhile and she didn't mind. (She's a psychologist so I guess she understands.) I may not be much for talking everyday but I do like hugs.

Therese Shellabarger / The Roving Reporter - Civis Mundi tlshell@... / http://tlshell.cnc.net/

There's a ton of things I miss from my non-sexual relationship with a friend who has recently 'gone into heat'. Esp. driving around the city looking at Christmas lights. I miss that so much and they're just all starting to decorate so beautifully.

I understand that perfectly...it's nice to have someone to share beautiful things with.

Therese Shellabarger / The Roving Reporter - Civis Mundi tlshell@... / http://tlshell.cnc.net/

I'm huggy too. Not gushy, just huggy. I'm too solitary to live with anyone but the ideal arrangement for me is to live in the same city, hell, even the same apartment building as a person so we could see and do things together but, like you said, emotionally self- sufficient so that if I miss phoning them for a few days, they won't spazz out on me and think they pissed me off or think that I'm pissed off with them.

Yeah, I've had a housemate before, it didn't work out. They wanted too much attention...it has to be someone who is emotionally self-sufficient enough that they don't feel neglected if I don't talk to them for more than five minutes in a day, so I think an assexual would be better. Once in awhile though, I wish I had a "hugging friend" because I would like that. I have a good friend who lives miles away now, I miss her because she and I could have hugs once in awhile and she didn't mind. (She's a psychologist so I guess she understands.) I may not be much for talking everyday but I do like hugs.

---

Therese Shellabarger / The Roving Reporter - Civis Mundi tlshell@c... / http://tlshell.cnc.net/

In a message dated 11/30/03 8:07:22 PM Central Standard Time, nargothic@... writes:

Interesting how this topic came up after... months?! :-)

I think it would be very interesting if everyone could check this article:

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/narcissism/faq6 4_2.html

"If this pattern of regression persists and prevails, a narcissistic neurosis is formed. The narcissist stimulates his self habitually in order to derive pleasure and gratification. He prefers this mode of deriving gratification to others. He is "lazy" because he takes the "easy" route of resorting to his self and reinvesting his libidinal resources "in-house" rather than making an effort (and risking failure) to seek out libidinal objects other than his self. The narcissist prefers fantasy land to reality, grandiose self-conception to realistic appraisal, masturbation and fantasies to mature adult sex and daydreaming to real life achievements."

Can someone become asexual because of a narcissistic personality? What do you think?

==== Well, it sounds like a narcissistic personality likes sex. Just with his/herself. The time and effort in masterbating would not be worth it to an asexual. This is only what I think. Rozilla ====

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

And while I'm on the topic, can one be both gay or lesbian and assexual?

Well, I have one friend who would probably fall into that category. As I understand it, she considers herself culturally to be part of the gay community and gay culture, feels accepted and understood in the gay community, and she knows (don't ask me how) that *if* she had any interest in sexuality, it would be with other women. Maybe it's a matter of a selective emotional response to members of the same vs. the opposite gender? I don't have such selectivity in my emotional attachments, which leads me to suspect that if I had a sex drive, then I would be bisexual. As it is, though, I'm bi -asexual, and that's just fine with me. :-)

That's pretty much the way it is for me. I publicly identify as bisexual. I have an equal lack of interest in both sexes. :)

Seriously, though, where I work there is a large GLBT community, and I've been accepted as being one of their ilk.

glenn

I'm huggy too. Not gushy, just huggy. I'm too solitary to live with anyone but the ideal arrangement for me is to live in the same city, hell, even the same apartment building as a person so we could see and do things together but, like you said, emotionally self-sufficient so that if I miss phoning them for a few days, they won't spazz out on me and think they pissed me off or think that I'm pissed off with them.

I see my best friend once or twice a month. Works fine for me.

(Besides, there's always e-mail.)

glenn

I see my best friend once or twice a month. Works fine for me.

(Besides, there's always e-mail.)

It's OK for me most of the time too, but still, I don't really like to be a permanent hermit. Once in awhile, I want a human being, not a computer.

Therese Shellabarger / The Roving Reporter - Civis Mundi tlshell@... / http://tlshell.cnc.net/

I see my best friend once or twice a month. Works fine for me.

(Besides, there's always e-mail.)

It's OK for me most of the time too, but still, I don't really like to be a permanent hermit. Once in awhile, I want a human being, not a computer.

But someone else was saying they would like a friendship where they're able to go more than a few days without having to see one another. :)

E-mail is only effective if the other person has it. Not everyone has it. But I work on the computer and talk on the phone for 8 hours a day. Every now and again, I like to go out with someone who has a face and a voice. On the other hand, I don't want to live with them (I don't want to live with anyone) or see them every day. And I don't want them to freak out if I haven't called them in a few days. My best friend and I see each other twice or three times a year and we live in the same city! We're both rather solitary, she more than I.

tlshell@c... said:

I see my best friend once or twice a month. Works fine for me.

(Besides, there's always e-mail.)

It's OK for me most of the time too, but still, I don't really like to be a permanent hermit. Once in awhile, I want a human being, not a computer.

But someone else was saying they would like a friendship where they're able to go more than a few days without having to see one another. :)

Are we writing prescriptions here, or describing our individual preferences? I suppose it depends on whether you ascribe your condition to a medical condition or a social difference. (-:

Therese Shellabarger / The Roving Reporter - Civis Mundi [email protected] / http://tlshell.cnc.net/

E-mail is only effective if the other person has it. Not everyone has it. But I work on the computer and talk on the phone for 8 hours a day. Every now and again, I like to go out with someone who has a face and a voice. On the other hand, I don't want to live with them (I don't want to live with anyone) or see them every day. And I don't want them to freak out if I haven't called them in a few days. My best friend and I see each other twice or three times a year and we live in the same city! We're both rather solitary, she more than I.

I know what you mean. I live alone and wouldn't have it any other way -- just the thought of sharing my living space gives me the willies. Which is the biggest reason I am still single at age 41. But I don't mind having a friend over once in a while to watch movies or whatever.

On 30 Nov 2002, 03:29 +00:00, kilraven62 said:

tlshell@c... said:

I see my best friend once or twice a month. Works fine for me.

(Besides, there's always e-mail.)

It's OK for me most of the time too, but still, I don't really like to be a permanent hermit. Once in awhile, I want a human being, not a computer.

But someone else was saying they would like a friendship where they're able to go more than a few days without having to see one another. :)

Are we writing prescriptions here, or describing our individual preferences? I suppose it depends on whether you ascribe your condition to a medical condition or a social difference. (-:

Personal preferences. You want to see your friends every so often, while Cijay doesn't want to see them *too* often. You're both approaching the matter from opposite directions, and I'm trying to find the balance point. (Failing, apparently...)

No, you're not failing to make your point but everyone has a different 'midway point' as to how often you want to see each other. I just get cranky with people who worry if you haven't talked to them in 48 hours that they've done something to piss me off. I would like a person to be a bit more emotinally stable than that, I'm just not a subscriber to the "every waking moment" club. That's what blows me away when a friend goes into heat. You go from seeing them once or twice a week to never seeing them again because they're mooning and swooning and have a partner who'll freak out if they don't spend every waking moment with THEM and diss all their friends.

I'm back... was here a long time ago.

I'm now going to graduate school at the University of Kansas.

I've been thinking. Maybe hormones are a reason for my asexuality. Even if that were the case, I wouldn't want to change it. I'm comfortable with where I am.

Hypothetical question: If hormone problems were found to be a reason for your asexuality, would you change it? Or leave it alone?

No, you're not failing to make your point but everyone has a different 'midway point' as to how often you want to see each other. I just get cranky with people who worry if you haven't talked to them in 48 hours that they've done something to piss me off. I would like a person to be a bit more emotinally stable than that, I'm just not a subscriber to the "every waking moment" club. That's what blows me away when a friend goes into heat. You go from seeing them once or twice a week to never seeing them again because they're mooning and swooning and have a partner who'll freak out if they don't spend every waking moment with THEM and diss all their friends.

Sounds like what happened to a friend of mine. He wound up with a girlfriend who expected him to spend all of his spare time with her. Sad part is, he's now been married to her for several years. He used to be part of my weekend RPG gaming group. Most of us haven't seen him for years. The rest of the gaming group refers to him as my "imaginary friend" because I'm the only one he's still in contact with -- and my contact is limited to the occasional e-mail message and getting together for lunch once a year or so.

Putting aside the fact that I'm not really interested in a relationship... If anyone would try that with me (setting an expectation that they wanted me to spend all of my spare time with them), they would quickly find themselves single again.

glenn

Hypothetical question: If hormone problems were found to be a reason for your asexuality, would you change it? Or leave it alone?

If that was the only symptom of the hormone problem, then probably not. But a hormone problem would have other symptoms as well, some of which might not be so benign. And those would need correction.

Many years ago I checked with a doctor to see if there was some kind of biochemical problem might be the cause of my near-total lack of sex drive. A complete physical showed that nothing was out of whack, hormonally speaking. The doc passed me on to a psychiatrist, who explained it this way:

He drew a chart with a classic bell curve on it. While most people have a "normal" sex drive (the major part of the bell curve), some people have an abnormally high sex drive (the far end of the curve)... and some people have a very weak sex drive (the near end of the curve). It was his opinion that I was simply at one end of the bell curve. He also suggested that this might work in my favour -- he said that a lot of young men (I was 20 at the time) get into various kinds of trouble because of their sex drive (eg, causing unwanted pregnancies, sexually-transmitted diseases) that I was likely to escape. (And he was right.)

Now, to take a spin on your question... if I was offered a pill that would give me a normal sex drive, would I take it? And my answer is a definite NO.

Hello Everyone,

I've been celibate most of my life. I will be celibate for the rest of my life also. I have a hand full of reasons but I don't think reasons for celibacy is all that important. I think it is simply important to be upfront and clear about celibacy. In being celibate, this doesn't mean I want to be alone. I don't like being single in the least. I enjoy and much prefer to love, support and laugh my buns off with another and to be a receiver as well. I suppose simply put, I like being a team/couple.

I enjoy educational shows, Writing poetry, good movies and often prefer watching them at home. This does not include sexually oriented movies. I like computers, new experiences, the mountains, exercising and I'm open to new ideas too.

I absolutely love to laugh. I laugh everyday whether it be alone or with others. I like to laugh till it hurts so good. I call it getting ugly and this I adore. Ya know when you laugh so hard your eyes water, your nose runs, your teeth show and some people even snort and finally beg you to stop yet they are still laughing hysterically? This is just so good. I love it. In fact I love to watch the funniest animals on Animal Planet because I just bust up laughing so much.

I'm considering snow shooing with a friend who lives in the hills. I think this will be fun and absolutely beautiful.

Some of the TV channels I like are History Channel, Court TV, Discovery, Comedy Central, Animal Planet, Life Time and then there are some local channels that are good too. I'm not a TV fanatic but being single it is much better than staring at a wall and it's not especially easy to find a date who excepts and plans to remain celibate.

I'm open to lots of things as long as they are not on the sleazy side or immoral. I hate the color red and tight clothing. I don't even want to see this stuff on others. I'm not into politics or TV sports at all unless it was something like gymnastics, ice skating and that sort of thing. I don't listen to music often nor do I like a much noisiness. I tend to like soft sounds and the quieter side of life.

I don't know how to landscape or gardening but I'd be willing to do this with someone if this was something he/she liked doing. I don't tend to cook but I would surely participate. If you liked crafts, gee I would be willing to join this too. I'm pretty flexible. I love doing things as a team/couple and simply find pleasure in this.

I care LESS of how you look than I do about how your spirit is. Yeah, sure everyone likes a fit and trim looking mate but ya know if that's all there is.... geeze, no thanks. I want a warm hearted, sharing, honest and fun person. I'm not so trim right now but I'll get it back just cuz it is my preference for myself. In many ways I like a heavy person cuz they feel so good when hugging. So I suppose I'm just not picky in this area. I do want someone who takes good care of him/herself. I know people 100 pounds over weight but very firm and active so weight doesn't tell the whole story. I have a very slim neighbor but she is so out of shape she cannot walk 5 blocks without leg cramps. See what I mean? It's fitness I am speaking of.

I was playing Softball, volley ball, going for long walks and feeding the ducks. I'm disabled right now and don't know if that will change so I can't participate in these fun activities. My disabilities just slows me down more than I like, due to pain that I don't tend to talk about cuz it's a bore to talk about it. I suppose I view it as whining. Whining?....Yawn, I don't care for it. I still feed the ducks, sometimes walk and plan to go back to the gym. I like the recumbent bike and lifting some weights. Sometimes I write poetry.

I'm a feline lover and have 2 cats. They think they are in-love. I think I am jealous of them. LOL

Since I am disabled I cannot work but I'm a lot of fun, loyal, honest and a pretty good find. LOL I really want a life partner. If you have children, that's great as long as they are learning healthy boundaries and manners. I think children are absolute blessings. I don't and can't have any of my own but wish I did have at least 1 if not many. They can be a barrel of laughs too. Anyway, I sure do hope someone is interested. Laffins_Fun

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hypothetical question: If hormone problems were found to be a reason for your asexuality, would you change it? Or leave it alone?

I would first have to know if it posed a health problem in other areas. Hormones are an important part of our overall functioning, not just in sexuality. If it was just being asexual, no, I would not change it.

Therese Shellabarger / The Roving Reporter - Civis Mundi tlshell@... / http://tlshell.cnc.net/

On 30 Nov 2002, 17:13 +00:00, snowplow03 said:

Hypothetical question: If hormone problems were found to be a reason for your asexuality, would you change it? Or leave it alone?

The only reason I would take any kind of pill/therapy is if it were going to control (as my epilepsy meds do) or cure something that was wrong. I don't feel anything is wrong so I wouldn't take anything for it. It's not a disease or a 'condition', it's just part of who I am and I'm not miserable being asexual. So, no, not for a million dollars would I take it.

If hormone problems were found to be a reason for your asexuality, would you change it? Or leave it alone?>>

I'm currently being treated for a couple of hormonal problems that may (and most likely do) contribute to my asexuality. The main reason for treatment is that these problems have a wide variety of other symptoms that have, in all honesty made my life miserable for quite some time. I have to have more and more tests done because it is unclear whether I have Cushing's syndrome or polycystic ovarian syndrome or both. I also have a rather bad thyroid problem on top of that, which is the most likely to cause a low sex drive. Anyway, I'm a mess :)

I just want to point out that if asexuality is caused by hormonal problems, there are probably some undesirable symptoms involved. If you're comfortable and your health is not at risk then, I see no point in changing.