Haven for the Human Amoeba

My theory is that in the long lists of scientists, artists, and sages who number in the asexual ranks, the asexuality itself is the cause, and the end result the effect. In most cases, of course. I believe that an asexual person by default has much more "spare time" available to them, as most people spend their "spare time" engaging in a world that will further their sexual motivations. If you remove that from an individual's life, they are left with other passions, other dreams; the effect. I really don't have any spare time, but that is because I fill it ceaselessly with my own personal motivations. I would have plenty otherwise.

This touches on my belief that most humans have the ability to be as great as they demand of themselves. There are rare exceptions of pure genius, but for the most part, genius is what they say it is, 99% perspiration, and to put it crudely, when you don't perspire much in the bed, you perspire elsewhere.

ioapetraka--this is profound and true. I know it's true because of my own life experience. When I was living a sexual life I was distracted all the time, and never reached my full potential. Now that I am celibate (I don't know if I can really call myself asexual, even though I rarely even think about sex any more) I am finally reaching my full potential, and realizing dreams that lay dormant for years because I was too busy pursuing something that I thought would fulfill me (sex, mistaking it for love), but never did, or does.

X.

Hi everyone!

I just found this place, and can't say how happy I am that a place like this exists.

I've had quite a difficult time finding out information about Asexuality.

For a while I was uncertain exactly what my "orientation" was because I did not enjoy sex heterosexually, and then when posed with the thought of being homosexual, realized there was no way I could ever be sexually attracted to, or desire someone of the same sex.

I did not enjoy or desire sex at all.

I thought something must be wrong with me because I can only enjoy all of my relationships on a platonic/non-sexual level, and after finally reading a Q&A online about Asexuality, I realized "This is it! This is what I am! I'm not so weird afterall."

I just thought I would say hello, and introduce myself.

KATHRYN

Warm welcome, Kathryn!

x.

Kathryn, I would be curious to know which asexual Q&A you are referring to.

I can relate. It took us so long to hear anything about asexuality since it is not publicized [sic]all that well.

For most of my adult life, I have unsuccessfully been trying to any fit into normal sexual society. This club and other informative web sites could have saved me a lot sleepless nights and headaches over the past 11 or so years.

That said. Welcome, and participate in the "conversation" when ever possible. I particularly enjoy new ideas and possiblities. There is no such thing as a dumb question or thought. Only ones that are not expressed.

I wish could like xzprtlq.

I have found that I still floundering in the same drab career in the same drab city with the same drab life. No wonder that I am on the Internet so much.

This spare time afforded me does not seem to have the same affect. Maybe, age is catching up to me.

Allan

i have almost the same situation!!

i came out to myself to be a lesbian because i had a crush on a girl, and was never attracted to male object.

i know i cant be straight, but i never understood how sex & love was ever related.

i started telling people that i am "nothing-sexual" and one of my friend had mentioned about the term "platonic"

people keep saying i will "grow out" of it, i will like sex eventually, but i doubt

the other day i was browzing through a lesbian site, and found out the term "assexual"

it got me started looking more info about it, here i am, and i am not a weirdo!

Well, and not everyone is motivated to do such things, and in my opinion there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, as long as you are happy with your life.

Hi Allan,

You wrote "I wish could like xzprtlq." Does this mean you don't like me? Or did you mean "I wish I could be like xzprtlq?" :o)

Anyway, I hope I didn't sound like I was bragging about my life or myself, because it has taken me many, many years to get where I am (I'm 60), and my life is still full of challenges. When I was 31 I was pretty lost, I can tell you.

I had to get away from the seemingly endless not-so-merry-go-round of chasing after what I thought was love. It always ended up in messy, emotional, distracting sexual relationships, and I'm very glad to be free of all that now. Also I study metaphysics, and that has helped me considerably. I think humans have the tendency to repeat false patterns over and over until they finally wake up. I know it has been true of me.

X.

Just wanted to introduce myself, I am a 33 year old guy who has never had sex to orgasm. There have been more than a few girlfriends in my life but even attempts at sexuality have given me neither erection nor any pleasure. Throughout my adolescence I never had an awareness of sex or girls. Only pressure from others caused me to experiment with sex. Even recieving oral sex has no effect. The only person sucessful in giving me any erection was a blond bodybuilder I knew. But I tend not to think of myself as gay because men in general do nothing for me and I cannot see myself being penetrated by anyone. Therefore I have called myself impotent or asexual, and to all of those I am friends with and work with. it is easy to be sexless since I am close to my parents. Yet I worry, when they are gone I will be all alone at home. Does anyone here also find loneliness a problem? Perhaps I worry too much!

Welcome.

The more time I spend around people, the more I don't like them. So loneliness doesn't really bother me anymore when I look at it in those terms. That's just me, though.

I believe that there's much more to the matter of disproportionately many scientists/sages/artists being asexual than simply having more time on their hands. In addition to making use of the time they would otherwise devote to sex and relationships to their interests and vocation, they also divert all of the energy, enthusiasm, and passion towards their subject matter of choice that so many others spend on sexual activity.

This seems to be true not only of asexuals but of frustrated, celibate sexuals as well.

I will have to find the website again, but the site actually had a link to this club, and that is how I found this place.

Looking for an asexual male aged 21-26 in NY area to "date". I really am looking for a boyfriend...just one that isn't really all that into the sexual stuff. (I know that I am attracted to guys, but when it comes down to the actual sexual stuff I am just not into it, I never enjoyed kissing etc, and it frustrates me). Looking for a guy who can become a great friend and then labelled a boyfriend. When everyone else has significant others its hard... I'm not really sure how this message thing works, but if you get this message and are interested email me at kidz2alabama55@... and put amoeba in the subject line. (It is not my real email address but the one I'll use for this purpose). I'm 21/F/long island/ attractive...I have a pic if u'd like it.

Yes! And that is exactly what I was trying to imply with my last line: "...if you do not prespire in bed, you prespire elsewhere." The very lack of *motivation* on the entire issue grants not only spare time, but a clarity of a level that sexuals must attempt to achieve. Clarity, not in the sense of wisdom, but in the sense of priorities and mental persuasion. A sexual might have an incredibly ambitious plan, taken to 90% completion only to come across this incredibly "delicious" human and throw it all up in the air for that human. This scenario happens with great regularity out there. An asexual doesn't risk such distractions, and thus has a greater *natural* chance of taking the plan to completion. A strong headed sexual might do just as well, but they would have to divert their nature to do so -- and that is the vital difference.

I would say celibates who manage to overcome their nature have just as good odds in this arena. Frustrated ones might, but it would depend. There are a lot of frustrated people out there who waste enormous resources trying to get UNfrustrated.

I do know how you feel, its hard to find someone to talk to in real life, for the majority of my life I have stayed quiet and kept to myself.

I do have one friend now in my life which I can talk to about these things, which is important, when I do get lonely, I always find comfort in talking with her about these things. You just have to find someone that will not judge you for who you really are, share with them your personality, the real you, and that will help you a LOT. I too have gotten erections at odd times much like you, but I do not consider myself as gay either. "I think, therefore I am."

WOW!! You check out for one little protest and the asexual world just takes off!! The paper at my school included "asexuality" as an option in a survey recently, and they asked me to do an article on asexuality for valentines day (which should be interesting. I'll post it once its written.) The asexual-engineer thing is interesting. It's difficult to say guage it as a historical trend (after all little is known about the sex lives of many prominent figures, and statistically there would be a good many asexual famous people ANYWAY.) I've always been sort of logically based, esp around (you guessed it) asexuality and relationships, for anyone who's listened to me spout theory.

I'm curious, has anyone worked with LGBT (lesbian/gay/bi/trans) groups around asexuality? I've been having mixed success making inroads to my campus group, but I feel like they could be a powerful ally. Alot of the stuff that we're dealing with seems to be on the tip of their tongues. I was talking with some friends of mine recently, apparently "boston marraiges" are becomgin increasingly prevelent, often as agreed-upon nonsexual relationships. It's also not uncommon for "primary" nonsexual relationships to develope between gay men and lesbians.

i am still very involve with the GLBT group on campus here at Vanderbilt, in fact i am the only "non-sexual" around everyone.

we dont deal with assexual issues, seems like the GLBT movement is more about fighting rights for GLBT community.

you see, bisexual people already have "half of the rights covered", and "assexuals need no special rights". all asexuals need is a social recgonition, so... which everyone is fighting for on their own.

in some sense, asexuals have a similar situation as bisexuals. bisexuals are often considered as "confused" or "they just like to sleep around with everyone", in fact they can engage in "normal relationship". asexual is alike because its also hard to prove an asexual being uninterest in sex at all.

afterall, all these are terms and labels, you can all yourself whatever you want.

i was reading an assexual website, they recommended a book called "boston marriage: romantic and assexual relationship of contemp lesbians". i am reading about it; lesbians are a lot less sexuals then men, there are many lesbians engage in "spritial" relationship, very platonic.

does that help?

p.s. i will claim myself as a lesbian, because i do in fact attracted to girls, but none of them in sexual content -- maybe just like boston marriage...

Opelchan, you wrote:

"p.s. i will claim myself as a lesbian, because i do in fact attracted to girls, but none of them in sexual content -- maybe just like boston marriage..."

What you have described here fits in perfectly with bloodyredcommie's Theory Page:

<a href=http://djay.web.wesleyan.edu/Theory/asexuality.htm target=new>http://djay.web.wesleyan.edu/Theory/asexuality.htm</a>

On his diagram, you would fit somewhere along the line in between "homosexual" and "asexual". That's pretty neat! I think I'm somewhere on the other side of his diagram. I'm a Hetero-Asexual. :o)

"It's also not uncommon for "primary" nonsexual relationships to develop between gay men and lesbians."

I ("straight" woman) have a "primary" nonsexual relationship with a gay (striving for celibacy) man.

X.

in fact, i am; i was just reading about that page last night. i have always like girls and i have always not like to think antyhing sex-related

do you know about "kinsey scale" it a scale to weigh homosexuality, 0 being all hetero, 6 being all homo; and 3 is bring "the" bisexual, and it doesn have asexual on the scale.

my lambda group had a discussion about bisexuality last week, and we mentioned about asexuality a bit, we think asexuals are the people that trap between 0 and six (consider to bend a ruler into a circle, we are the ones in teh crack)

so its very normal to have "homo-asexual" and "hertero-asexual"

I just thought I'd introduce myself. I'm Kristin and I'm 21. I've been confused for most of my adult(?) life and have gone everywhere from gay to bisexual to straight and now I'm rethinking things over again. I didn't know there were people who identified as asexual until very recently. I think it's wonderful that so many people are 'coming out' as asexual and are coming to terms with it as a sexuality. I've never been interested in intimate relationships (I've rather been indirectly pressured into dating), but I am a people person and like to spend time socializing with friends. I don't plan on dating for a long time, but I do want to keep my options open. I won't shun someone who proves that they might be the right person for me. I would like to know what others think about platonic asexual relationships and the many different ways that people live celibate lives.

This is why I think things like the Kinsey Scale are a bit too simplistic for anything but very vague references. The concept of human attraction, where it points, and how strongly it points there is much more complex than any single line could ever produce, bent or not.

While unsavory to 99% of the world, it completely fails to address "unacceptable" attractions, such as to inanimate objects, beasts, and even children. While some might be quick to throw these sorts into the "psychologically disturbed" group, I hesitate to do so. There are *plenty* of people who believe the same thing about anything other than heterosexuals.

I think a much better model can be imagined as a wheel. The center of the wheel is zero attraction, and the spokes of the wheel are various "avenues" of attraction. Furthermore, I would suggest seperating the elements of attraction *within* one typified grouping. So if the avenues of attraction could be visualized as spokes, have the spokes be composed of rope, with individual sub-components. There are platonic strands, sexual strands, maternal/paternal strands -- you get the idea.

So the strength of the attraction total is just a sum of these sub-components in a specified direction. The orientation of a person would be the averaging of the strongest attractions. A very sexual person might have strong attraction spokes in two directions, a bisexual. Or they might have weak attractions in two directions, a bisexual that leans asexual. The final hypothesis is that no spokes are incomplete, merely some do not have all of the sub-strands developed -- in some cases this is a very good thing, as in the above mentioned unacceptable spokes. It even explains how one is attracted in a certain direction. For example, some women prefer men who are more slender, or feminine. I would suggest they have a small amount of sexual attraction to women, not enough to practically influence their overall orientation, but enough to weight their preferences towards men. All spokes influence other spokes, they are not independent.

The most interesting sub-strands in our discussion is the sexual one, and focusing on it alone (ignoring the others) you can draw Kinseyesque graphs, but these graphs fail to address other factors, and that is where confusion arises, and the need to modify things. An asexual simply has very weak, or non-existent for all practical purposes, sexual sub-strands in all directions. This doesn't mean the rest of "Attraction" has failed, and it means it is perfectly valid to have a "leaning" in a certain direction or multiple directions while still remaining asexual.

Go asexual engineer/theorists..

I REALLY like the wheel model that you propose, traka. Mostly becuase it's important to realize that gender isn't aset dichodemy, it's a spectrum too. Gender isn't really about genetalia, it's about performance. There aren't just "male" and "female", in fact there isn't just a spectrum between the two, there's a wide wide plane of possible gender performance. Hence "vectors" of sexual attraction become even more complicated. Here's my one question with the circle: what are on "opposite" sides of the circle, that is to say, what cancels out?