Re: Hello, I'm new..
hi there,
oh man, would you repeat that? you didnt have sex with the woman who you are married to at all? she didnt force you on the wedding day or honey moon?
ya, its normal reaction for a spouse when one know your sexual orientation differ than the original claim.
hey, be real, be an understanding hasband
a heterSEXUAL woman expect to get married with a heterSEXUAL male, so they will have sex.
if you are only a heterAsexual, then, its a different story
she probably thinks you are having an affair with some other women, so you are tired to have sex...
well, ASEXUAL is still very unaccepted. takes time...
try to comfort her, she is your wife afterall..
First, thank you for replying my message:)
To avoid misunderstanding, I like cuddling and kissing, etc. Just I realized that having a sex does not turn me on..
Yup, we tried to have sex when we got married.. (and we kept trying it until now). And it didn't work. (Sorry to be a little graphic, here..) I was not "physically" excited, and she is way too small to get in, either. Later, we tried counseling, medication, etc.. And tried it again whenever I got phisically excited, (but it is still hellish to do what I don't want to do. It's disgusting, even I still love her soul). Anyway, to be with a sexual woman, I have to go through this hellish time sometimes.
And she is partially responsible that we can't have sex (She not turned on, either, but she is also forcing herself to give herself to me. I hope she accepts herself as an asexual woman, soon). And she believes that she would enjoy sex with a right man. And she wants me to want her. (and magically become the right man for her).
Well, I'm good at acting, but she still wants me to come inside of herself. I can't. That's one thing I can't "act". I have good crocodile tear, but not with my semen.. I'm impotent "and" asexual at the same time.
Re: Hello, I'm new..
to my knowledge no one here is in a similar situation, though many have reported Close friendships that went sour after the other party desired sex.
Befoer you can clear up anything with your wife, you will have to become unmuddied yourself. Take some time to figure what sort of relationship you want and how to go about that. then you can work things out with your wife from more stable ground.
Thank you for replying.
Yup, a woman (and a man) measure his/her attraction by how much s/he is "physically" wanted. (Did I overgeneralize it?) But usually a non-sexual man/woman does not use it as a measurement (I will be just annoyed, though appreciate a little bit and think how to decline her request of having sex).
Oh, I realized that I said "I have a lot of problems". That's about the sexual issue.
I'm not interested in having a sex with a man nor a woman.
When I force myself, I (usually) can not be physically excited.
Even if I successfully force myself to be excited, and she was widened enough to get in, I can't come in her.
Still, I can come when I do it by myself without her watching. That bothers her so bad. (But it's natural for many men!)
For god's sake, I'm not having affair. (at least not physically).
Yup, even non-marital relationships can go sour. I like little kids to be friend with. They don't give me a sexual pressure, and they are open to be "mentally" intimate. I'm not a pedo. I just like their spirit (or whatever you call it). Anyway, it really hurts me when they grow up and leave me and get a "real" man (unless she is a nonsexual woman, then the friendship can continue).
Re: Hello, I'm new..
I don't know anyone who's been in that situation either, though it may not be as bad as it seems. After all, sex is just one of many ways to express closeness in a relationship and if you already have a strong relationship without sex then you should work to preserve that. Sit down and think it out. Alot of the pressure to have sex comes from its status as this One All Holy means of expressing intimacy, which it isn't. There are a ton of possible misinterpretations that your wife could take from you not wanting to have sex. I feel like one really important thing to establish is that you're JUST talking about sex, not love, not intimacy, not any of the stuff that people use sex to avoid talking about. And sex, by itself, isn't really that important.
Thank you for replying my posting.
She said sex is the biggest part of a marriage (I know it may apply for sexual men, but I didn't know it also allpys for women). She looks as if she was obssessed with sex, maybe it's because we've never had a successful sex. Many other women complains that "All what he wants is sex." I think women must have everything or she would leave. Then how come many worthless jerks and dreamers and even prisoners can attract tens (or even hundreds) of girls?
Anyway, a good news.. She does not wnat to leave me for now. But she is just so sour and frustrated. Besides sex, I am still a good husband. We have a good non-sexual intimate relationship, but that's not enough for her. But I don't want to even thinking about sex. (Okay, most people don't understand it. grrrr..)
Counselors told us that sex is not everything, and even if I couldn't have a sex, it's still okay.. But my wife is not okay with it. Yup, so we talked about it over and over..
Re: Hello, I'm new..
I didn't know that I'm nonsexual until a few days ago. I've been married for almost 4 years, and she is straight. Why could I or did I marry a straight woman? Well, I believed the sex must come after marriage (and even after marriage, I still did not have sex yet). Anyway, because of this christian thing (sex must come after marriage), I married when I was still confused. And I have a lot of problems. She does not believe in nonsexual thing. She thinks she has to call anbulance or something. She thinks I am seriously deranged or something. Is there anyone who is in a similar situation (e.g. wife/husband is straight and really mad at your sexual orientation)?
I can relate to a certain degree. I too always figure that I did not want to have sex because I was a good Catholic, and wanted to respect God's will. I figured once I found my soul mate for life that my attitude toward sex would change.
Well, in college, I chose to experiment and try sex. The result was not pretty. The mere thought of the experience still gives the heavie jeavies [sic?]. Here was a case where disobeying God's will certainly benefitted me.
I feel bad about your situation. I wished that we here had some quick miracle answer to your dilemna.
Certainly, you will have to seriously examine your feelings and your beliefs. Is it possible that asexuality merely represents another answer to your questions? The wrong answer maybe. Something to think about. Your marriage is certainly nothing to take lightly.
If your asexuality proves conclusive...um, to be honest, I don't know what to tell you. As BRC (I think) stated, your situation appears to be a first here. However, I am certain you are not the only one out there. So, don't fret. You are not the first nor will you be the last.
Unfortunately, society dictates that we all must want sex so it is understandable if some of us asexuals were duped into the sexual world.
There is hope for you. Some members here indicate that romanitc asexual relationships are indeed possible and happen. So, perhaps, your wife could be persuaded accept your asexuality, and you could still have a happy marriage?
I hope that you can resolve your situation happily.
Re: Romance, masturbation...
I find nothing demeaning at all about masterbating. Its a bodily function much like pooping. I guess its just more common for guys to masterbate. In fact the only reasons I masterbate is to fall asleep or relax a bit. If anyone has seen There's Something About Mary, you know what I'm talking about. Maybe its because the male orgasm is so much more common and not as powerful that masterbating for men is not a problem. Maybe its just the way men think.
I thing I noticed in the last past posts is that men favor the ends, while women favor the means. Men are more comfortable with masterbating while women are more comfortable with 'butterflies in the stomach' and romance and stuff. Of course I am generalizing.
What BRC brought up was an excellent point. Masterbating is just a bodily function like sneezing until you bring another person in. Then it becomes sex and everything gets all complicated. Which is why I'm a masterbating Asexual and I'm proud of it.
"What BRC brought up was an excellent point. Masterbating is just a bodily function..."
Playing the devil's advocate:
Sexuals would argue that sex is a normally bodily function as well. Furthermore, they would add that sex is even better when mixed with love when we asexuals would counter with the argument that sexuals demean sex by making it recreational.
Re: Hello, I'm new..
I can relate to a certain degree. I too always figure that I did not want to have sex because I was a good Catholic, and wanted to respect God's will. I figured once I found my soul mate for life that my attitude toward sex would change.
Well, in college, I chose to experiment and try sex. The result was not pretty. The mere thought of the experience still gives the heavie jeavies [sic?]. Here was a case where disobeying God's will certainly benefitted me.
I feel bad about your situation. I wished that we here had some quick miracle answer to your dilemna.
Certainly, you will have to seriously examine your feelings and your beliefs. Is it possible that asexuality merely represents another answer to your questions? The wrong answer maybe. Something to think about. Your marriage is certainly nothing to take lightly.
If your asexuality proves conclusive...um, to be honest, I don't know what to tell you. As BRC (I think) stated, your situation appears to be a first here. However, I am certain you are not the only one out there. So, don't fret. You are not the first nor will you be the last.
Unfortunately, society dictates that we all must want sex so it is understandable if some of us asexuals were duped into the sexual world.
There is hope for you. Some members here indicate that romanitc asexual relationships are indeed possible and happen. So, perhaps, your wife could be persuaded accept your asexuality, and you could still have a happy marriage?
I hope that you can resolve your situation happily.
Thank you for replying.
Yup, I wish if she could be asexual also (she can not have a baby, because she does not have an ovum, and she takes hormon to force herself to be sexual.. what a waste. well, it's still necessary for her.)
And she wants to leave (divorce) me once a while. She says that I can not expect her to be loyal or respectful for me if I can not have a sex.
Tough.. So, here's an idea. Why don't we lobby for a partial polygamy? The one can be sexual partner and the other one is a non-sexual partner. Sexual partners can deal with disease etc. by themselves, and we enjoy the non-sexual part (which is 90% of sweetness). So, forget about divorce, loyalty, etc. So, my wife can have two men, one is sexual and the other one is a sweet one like me. And I can have a woman who never pressure me to do a thing I can't do.. (Well, I'm not saying I would cheat. It's just an idea). I said partial poligamy, because the one person can have one sexual and one non sexual. It shouldn't be two sexual or two non-sexual partner. (Maybe two non-sexual partners is okay, because we can still stop AIDS.)
Re: Hello, I'm new..
Thank you for replying.
Yup, I wish if she could be asexual also (she can not have a baby, because she does not have an ovum, and she takes hormon to force herself to be sexual.. what a waste. well, it's still necessary for her.)
And she wants to leave (divorce) me once a while. She says that I can not expect her to be loyal or respectful for me if I can not have a sex.
Tough.. So, here's an idea. Why don't we lobby for a partial polygamy? The one can be sexual partner and the other one is a non-sexual partner. Sexual partners can deal with disease etc. by themselves, and we enjoy the non-sexual part (which is 90% of sweetness). So, forget about divorce, loyalty, etc. So, my wife can have two men, one is sexual and the other one is a sweet one like me. And I can have a woman who never pressure me to do a thing I can't do.. (Well, I'm not saying I would cheat. It's just an idea). I said partial poligamy, because the one person can have one sexual and one non sexual. It shouldn't be two sexual or two non-sexual partner. (Maybe two non-sexual partners is okay, because we can still stop AIDS.)
Hi
I feel so sorry for you in your situation. It seems to me that although you say 90% is sweetness in your marriage the other 10% plays a heck of a lot on yours and your partner's minds. You talk of disease and AIDS. Are you perhaps a bit phobic about it and that is why you do not wish to be sexual - perfectly understandable - I'm not knocking that, it is a big problem these days. My ex went off to Thailand on business and swore when he came back he had been faithful - only then to say he was going out there for good to be with a prostitute he had met - after we had had sex and I had to go to the clinic to get rid of a very bad case of thrush - could have been much worse.
The fact that your wife cannot have babies will make her want to be sexually attractive. She probably feels less of a woman (although she is not) and her need to be desired sexually will be great - so I don't see a way round your problem because you are at different poles - unless you are both OK with the partial poligamy. If you love your wife like you seem to do I don't know that you would like the idea of her going elsewhere to be satsified sexually - sexual feelings can often turn into more and it would make you very insecure I think.
It is an awful situation, but you may have to let each other go to be content but remain friends and be there for each other when you have both found partners that suit you. There are many women out there (including myself) who do not wish to have a sexual relationship. Most do not admit it in case they are seen as freaks (in this totally pro-sex world) but we are out there - and being asexual does not mean that we are less caring - infact sometimes more so.
I don't know if this helps at all, but I do hope so
Cheers
Re: Hello, I'm new..
Hi
I feel so sorry for you in your situation. It seems to me that although you say 90% is sweetness in your marriage the other 10% plays a heck of a lot on yours and your partner's minds. You talk of disease and AIDS. Are you perhaps a bit phobic about it and that is why you do not wish to be sexual - perfectly understandable - I'm not knocking that, it is a big problem these days. My ex went off to Thailand on business and swore when he came back he had been faithful - only then to say he was going out there for good to be with a prostitute he had met - after we had had sex and I had to go to the clinic to get rid of a very bad case of thrush - could have been much worse.
The fact that your wife cannot have babies will make her want to be sexually attractive. She probably feels less of a woman (although she is not) and her need to be desired sexually will be great - so I don't see a way round your problem because you are at different poles - unless you are both OK with the partial poligamy. If you love your wife like you seem to do I don't know that you would like the idea of her going elsewhere to be satsified sexually - sexual feelings can often turn into more and it would make you very insecure I think.
It is an awful situation, but you may have to let each other go to be content but remain friends and be there for each other when you have both found partners that suit you. There are many women out there (including myself) who do not wish to have a sexual relationship. Most do not admit it in case they are seen as freaks (in this totally pro-sex world) but we are out there - and being asexual does not mean that we are less caring - infact sometimes more so.
I don't know if this helps at all, but I do hope so
Cheers
Tanks for replying.
I didn't mean to actually go for poligamy. I mean just legalize it so that other people can practice it. (but they can have only one sexual partner.) And non-sexual people would be more recognized. Well, the draw back is that some sexual people claim themselves as non-sexual and have two sexual partners and there's no way to know that. In the U.S., sexual or non-sexual, polygamy is not legal.
My parents did not mention anything about sexualty and women. Women are like prostitutes (my dad said). They have to have a sex to survive since women in my original country (Japan) could not have a real job, then (70's-80's). They were like tea servers or barely legal models (they would be laid off on their 22nd birthday.)
If they marry, they were fired. If they became pregnent, they were fired. If they were in a union, if they gain weigh, if they suggest a new idea, if they wear earrings, if they got a student visa to come to the U.S... or whatever they do, they were fired (in 1970's-80's in Japan, it was an awful time for women). Well, that convinced me that women have to get married.
Well, I came to America. Why do (most) women have to have a sex with dirty old men with stinky breath?? They may die from AIDS. Is sex that good? Why do women attatch with a man who earns less than $50,000/year and did not even graduate from Harvard or MIT? (Me neither..) Why did a woman (a woman I met before my wife) choose an alcoholic irresponsible loser over me so that she could have a sex? Well, then this American woman married me, and I got more culture shock.. (LOL)
I probably got the same shock even if I married a Japanese woman.
Well, I'm sorry to hear about the STD you got. As long as the STD issue goes, if I was released from the duty "trying to have a sex", and she would never ask me to have sex, she can sleep with whoever, and I will never ask a question about it. (That's the merit of sexual-nonsexual polygame. The risk is absolutely zero for non-sexual partner). But if that's the case, she would leave me (she said), because she would be more attached to the physical attraction. But these men who satisfied her sexually never wanted to marry her. So, she has no place to land. Well, men with good sex usually have too many women, and they can't commit. Well, enough ranting.
Re: Romance, masturbation...
"What BRC brought up was an excellent point. Masterbating is just a bodily function..."
Playing the devil's advocate:
Sexuals would argue that sex is a normally bodily function as well. Furthermore, they would add that sex is even better when mixed with love when we asexuals would counter with the argument that sexuals demean sex by making it recreational.
"What BRC brought up was an excellent point. Masterbating is just a bodily function..."
Well, I gotta say, I just don't get it....to me an "asexual masturbator" is a contradiction in terms.
Oh, by the way, the term is "heebie-jeebies"! Ha, haven't heard that one in years.
X.
Re: End of List ?
Now that this list has been moved. . .is this the end of the list? There have not been any posts since it moved. From my experience with other lists, there won't be (m)any either. Apparently, something or some people get lost in the shuffle.
jay
Now that this list has been moved. . .is this the end of the list? There have not been any posts since it moved. From my experience with other lists, there won't be (m)any either. Apparently, something or some people get lost in the shuffle.
jay
What do you mean...? There have been loads of post!!!!!
Some time
Ok, so even though it's insane midterm week I took five minutes and made a graph of amoeba activity since 2000. You should be able to get it (in excel format, I'll make an image and put it on AVEN when I have time) at http://djay.web.wesleyan.edu/ameoba.xls
Some interesting trends, no? What would be really interesting is if we started charting the number of members...
Re: End of List ?
jaylan2 said:Now that this list has been moved. . .is this the end of the list? There have not been any posts since it moved. From my experience with other lists, there won't be (m)any either. Apparently, something or some people get lost in the shuffle.
jay
What do you mean...? There have been loads of post!!!!!
And what do YOU mean? My post and your post is all I have seen. There must be something wrong here...How many posts have you seen for the month of March?
jay
What do you mean...? There have been loads of post!!!!!
posts
There have been 10 posts in March, at least that's what I'm seeing here. Does someone else see something else? Are we in the twilight zone? Have we entered the fourth demention...oops, I mean dimension? :o)
X.
p.s. I still say that a person who masturbates is not an asexual. He/she is someone who doesn't like having sex with people, and prefers having it alone. An asexual is one who does not experience sexual urges and desires. Webster: Asexual -- not sexual; without sexuality.
Re: Groups vs. clubs
I liked yahoo clubs better. The messages were easier to read and didn't have those dumb advertisements. Anyone agree or disagree?
I prefer the new groups because of the search function. Also, if the moderator feels like changing the colors, there are lots more choices. And I don't mind the ads because Yahoo has to have a way to support these free services.
X.
Groups en photos
Indeed, I liked the club better too. And the last message I sent, has disappeared too. In that message, I said that I was looking for the asexual symbol again, which was (I think) in the photo-section. Now, I don't see it anymore. Can anyone say me where I can find it now?
Thanks!
Lost
I posted a message that disappeared, too. I guess Yahoo is still working out the bugs. Actually I had defended the new groups in that message. I like the search function, and moderators have a lot more options with colors, etc. As far as the ads, well Yahoo has to do something to provide us with this free service...it only costs us one click!
X.
Re: Groups vs. clubs
I liked yahoo clubs better. The messages were easier to read and didn't have those dumb advertisements. Anyone agree or disagree?
Agree!! Very much!!
I liked yahoo clubs better. The messages were easier to read and didn't have those dumb advertisements. Anyone agree or disagree?
Re: Groups en photos
Indeed, I liked the club better too. And the last message I sent, has disappeared too. In that message, I said that I was looking for the asexual symbol again, which was (I think) in the photo-section. Now, I don't see it anymore. Can anyone say me where I can find it now?
Thanks!
Indeed, I liked the club better too. And the last message I sent, has disappeared too. In that message, I said that I was looking for the asexual symbol again, which was (I think) in the photo-section. Now, I don't see it anymore. Can anyone say me where I can find it now?
Thanks!
This is my second attempt to reply to this message. ;(
I just added one version of the symbol to our new photos section.
Re: Groups en photos
Indeed, I liked the club better too. And the last message I sent, has disappeared too. In that message, I said that I was looking for the asexual symbol again, which was (I think) in the photo-section. Now, I don't see it anymore. Can anyone say me where I can find it now?
Thanks!
Indeed, I liked the club better too. And the last message I sent, has disappeared too. In that message, I said that I was looking for the asexual symbol again, which was (I think) in the photo-section. Now, I don't see it anymore. Can anyone say me where I can find it now?
Thanks!
That sucks! All of the photos got lost in the "Bermuda Triangle" between the Club and the Group. Anyway, I just uploaded one version of the symbol and put it in the photos section again.
Re: posts
There have been 10 posts in March, at least that's what I'm seeing here. Does someone else see something else? Are we in the twilight zone? Have we entered the fourth demention...oops, I mean dimension? :o)
X.
p.s. I still say that a person who masturbates is not an asexual. He/she is someone who doesn't like having sex with people, and prefers having it alone. An asexual is one who does not experience sexual urges and desires. Webster: Asexual -- not sexual; without sexuality.
My screen showed (and still shows) 6 posts for March as of the time of your post. In short, your post was number 7. So there IS some kinda weirdness here.
As for your worries about whether masturbators are asexuals or not--- you are probably right. But then again I am not real comfortable calling myself "asexual" vis a vis the appellation of "celibate." I guess that tells ya where I sit with masturbation. (GRIN)
There have been 10 posts in March, at least that's what I'm seeing here. Does someone else see something else? Are we in the twilight zone? Have we entered the fourth demention...oops, I mean dimension? :o)
X.
p.s. I still say that a person who masturbates is not an asexual. He/she is someone who doesn't like having sex with people, and prefers having it alone. An asexual is one who does not experience sexual urges and desires. Webster: Asexual -- not sexual; without sexuality.
Hi
New here today. Has anyone found an effective herbal/medical means of supressing the base sexual desire (Short of castration)- despite celibacy I find the odd hormonal surge to be a problem and would be thankful if anyone had any methods of dealing with it.
Regards
Citadel