Haven for the Human Amoeba

Replying to your number 2, my first thought is that if your incredibly fortunate enough to have found someone not only to give you that type of commitment but do so without sex, at that point I don't view what society might say about it's sexless-ness having much importance. I don't know how society would know that you weren't sexually active with your partner. Asexuals are usually noticeable by the following qualities: being single/ unattached, they do not have relationships, ever, for years, they don't date, they don't talk about that hot date they had on Friday night, not ever, not for months and years, no mention of "that cute man/woman sitting over there by the bar", no tears at weddings, no getting drunk at weddings asking "why am I always the bridesmaid/groomsman", lack of interest in sex discussions, etc. Believe me asexuals stand out. Married women, and maybe even men are not looked at crosseyed when they display these characteristics, because it's assumed either they are being faithful to their spouse, respecting their spouses' privacy wtih regaard to sexual issues, or maybe just bored with the sex life and no need to talk about it. In fact I think many marriage that didn't start out asexual end up being pretty low on fuel once children come into the picture. So I really don't view an asexual marriage as getting much static. I think it's precisely the unattached-ness of most asexuals that stands out.

You mentioned that you didn't know if your partner would be a male or a female. If you get into a same-sex relationship you will suffer discrimination for that reason. However I don't foresee that being different than with a sexual relationship than a non-sexual one.

What keeps coming to mind as the only potential problem I can think of is the idea that a significant other would not be happy in a sexual relationship and seek sex elsewhere. I wonder if you've thought if this would bother you.

Good luck finding someone who will give you what you need. I hope you will find it. My feeling is that most asexuals will never find such a thing, most particularly those of us who are females that would be looking for such a relationship with a male.

the circumstances can vary.. there's more than one kind of incel (there's marcel [married celibate, a married person who lost their drive.. and a medcel.. who can't be sexual due to medical reasons.. like sex abuse or certian diseases]

I seem to be the most common type.. the "social" incel... someone who has problems with initiating relationships due to shyness, lack of opportunity, or other social/religeous taboos.

Wow, a good deal's happened.

Just got back from DC, worked my ass off. The peace movement is organizing on a national level now. )E-mail me if you want more information- djay@...)Spent the 8-hour carride back talking about the notion of "romantic mystery" and why it sucks. Gittery me...

But onward: I suppose what I don't understand about incelhood is why it is necessary to establish as an identity? What do incels need to figure out together (other than how to get out of their demographic?)

On asexual relationships: At least in the immediate I don't see a theme on how asexual relationships would be viewed (it would be based on relative gender and the outward similarity to a romantic relationship, I think). I'm more curios how that works, what it looks like. Does it need to be formed with an asexual person, or can it be formed with someone who's sexual?

And my last-but-not-least thought of the day: How does asexuality play out along gender lines? Society has very different sexual roles for men and women (both straight and queer society), so it seems like asexuality would mean different things. What are people's thought's on this? I haven't been keeping track of themes in what women and men are saying on this forum. It seems like (in straight society anyway) women are supposed to be sexually receptive and men are supposed to be sexually agressive. So the prospect of not being sexual means two somewhat different things, either an explanation of why you aren't sexually aggressive or somehow marking onesself off as not sexually receptive. Again, I'm talking along societal-norm lines, not the way people actally are. Any thoughts?

Ok, from a semantic point of view, the term "involuntarily celibate" doesn't make a lot of sense unless you're a monk held up at gunpoint. I do, however, have a very clear understanding of the concept.Some people are just socially awkward, self-conscious, scared, whatever. As it's been said here, it's definitely the result of internal conflicts. I guess I can relate in some ways because I feel that if I were interested in sex, I'd probably be an incel. Ok, that didn't make much sense. From my perspective, I don't suppose I know what I'd do, anyway. Perhaps I'm just relating because of all the times my friends in high school tried to set me up with guys who didn't like me. I'm a lot less socially awkward now, but I apparently send out threatening vibes (which may very well be as a result of my lack of sexual interest).

Some people just don't have animal magnetism, which doesn't necessarily have much to do with how they look. I don't know enough about pheromones to make a really educated statement on this, hopefully I'll learn something soon.

I think we're confusing the concepts of "involuntary celibacy" and just being overwhelmingly selective about whom and under what conditions one would be willing to have sex. I would agree that someone who is medically incapable of having an erection though he desperately wants one could perhaps be labeled involuntarily celibate. However, a person who is just extremely introverted and is looking for someone to make him/her 100% comfortable before he/she has sex with that person is not involuntarily celibate because they are self-imposing the restrictive conditions that prevents them from engaging in the act...did that make any sense at all?

Anyway, I still submit that celibacy is inherently a chosen state and if one isn't completely comfortable with that choice then maybe that isn't the best self-description to use. Perhaps abstinence would be a better term, because that implies that given XYZ, one would be completely willing to have sex. Now, asexuality...that's a whole other bag of worms...Humans can't really be asexual from a strict biological standpoint (sexually ambiguous, perhaps, but asexual, no). The common usage of this club presents asexuality as being simply a lack of sex drive. I'm curious, does anyone here really completely lack a sex drive? Or is it more the case that you're content to ignore your sex drives?

Judy

animal magnetism??? I must have mine depolarized or something... I just repel, not attract.

actually, mine really didn't come to the fore until about 3 years ago... but I guess I was trying to suppress it up to then (must've getten harder as I got older...and the gay bashings I got may have thrown the whole thing out of alignment).

Hi - I don't agree that humans can't be asexual. If you can't picture it, this may help. An asexual female feels towards other females the way a straight female would. An asexual female would feel towards men the way a lesbian would. Like there is nothing there. No pizazz, no oomph, no chemistry, no nothing; not for either sex. Do you see? If there is straight, gay, and hetero, that must mean there is some biochemistry effecting our attractions (sexual preference) or lack thereof. It could easily be imagined to be, that the same biological "pathway" that forms gender sexual preference, even if it is only a predisposition rather than an essentialism, is what is responsible for making an individual asexual.

Hmm, I disagree. If a person is introverted because of a deep psychological condition, he or she may not want to have sex. This celibacy would not necessarily be the result of being picky or a lack of trust in another person (whoever they may find sexually attractive) but perhaps out of terror of what that person would think of them. If the latter overrides the former, the person will be involuntarily celibate.Being comfortable with that person is not an issue, because that will probably never happen under normal circumstances.

<<animal magnetism??? I must have mine depolarized or something... I just repel, not attract. >>

Funny you should mention that. Self-pity is rarely attractive.

It's more like confusion to me.... I just hate it when this kind of thing doesn't add.

Hey All! I am new here (as I suppose you can tell from the subject!!! lol). After hours of searching the internet, I'm glad that I have found a site for asexuals. It feels great to know that I am not alone in my feelings and beliefs! In high school my friends always labelled me "asexual", but I don't believe any of us really understood what the term meant in regard to humans. I always anticipated that this lack of interest in dating and absolute disgust at the thought of sex would go away with age (and being that I am still fairly young, I suppose it is still a possibility), but now on my second year of college with no change in my feelings I am beginning to suspect that the term asexual does fit me. It's hard not being able to share with all of my friends and all of my family (my mom, dad, sister, and one or two friends know, though I am not sure they understand the full extent of my beliefs/emotions). I readily strive to "fit in" with what society says is the normal, and I think most people view me as straight; although I believe that people can sense there is something different about me. I am unsure how to handle myself around guys and don't know exactly how to handle the dating issue. In the past when asked out, I would simply say "I don't really date." Well, I suppose enough rambling about me. Just glad to find this site and look forward to talking to ya'll!

-Ruth

Asexuality itself is not a psychological disorder, anymore than any sexual preference is, but if you are in fact describing a medical condition, I believe the name for it is "social phobia", or "social anxiety disorder". Yeah, in those cases, it is almost impossible to just get over it. It's like telling someone who compulsively overeats to just stop eating and go on a diet. These things aren't conscious choices.

Hi! Let me be the first to welcome you. You've probably read back in the history of this forum to find that alot of us have had extremely similar experiences. I remember being really unsure about how to handle myself around girls for a long time, there is a certain science/skill to being interesting without being sexually attractive. I found that I had an extremely awkward time socially BEFORE I really gained an understanding of my asexuality. Once I understood it (and was comfortable enough to talk with other people about it) it actually made it alot easier for me to make friends with people, because we didn't have to worry about sexual tension. This is something I'm curious about on the larger forum: do people find that their asexuality prohibits them from platonic social activity? How and why? I've found that recently it's actually helped me, I focus entirely on making friends and not on dating, so I have more friends and am better at being a friend. Sorry to switch the topic on your welcome, animalgirl.

May you have focus,

-BRC

Jes' thought I'd let you folks know what was going on with my activisty asexual ass.

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) site will be updated (FINALLY) this weekend, in preperation for a big talk that I'm giving on monday. It's being hosted by the campus Queer Alliance, which is behind me in an "umm what exactly are we behind?" sort of way. Alot of people who I've talked to, both queer and otherwise, have expressed alot of interest in the issue, so if I get my shit together on advertising then hopefully it will be well attended. Ideally I'm going to try and organize a wesleyan AVEN chapter and work out from there. I've already given a presentation to the LGBTTQQ group at Washington University in St. Louis (who were adorably adorably softcore). I'm hoping, once I get a good format for them, to be give talks at other schools. I know I've said this before, but anyone who's interested in doing this sort of stuff please E-mail me, I think it's really important for various reasons that I've already expounded on in earlier posts. My address is djay@...

-BRC

I can vouch for that. I happen to have this condition, and it is certainly not something you can just "snap out of." In fact, you cannot even get rid of it with exposure, like other phobias. The important thing to realize with disorder type things is that it must disable you to be a real disorder. A lot of people shrug off these things because they read the description and say, "Well, hell, everybody gets nervous on stage."

Well yes, but they still go up there. If you actually have the disorder, you do your grocery shopping online and have anxiety attacks at traffic lights (okay, that is more extreme than most cases, but you get the idea.)

Rant. :)

I've never had an anxiety attack, but I do feel very nervous doing, oh, let's say, any single possible thing that could be done in a public situation.

Welcome, I know many here can identify with how you feel (I sure do).

I guess I could say I'm unsure how to handle myself around girls, but the thing is, I don't know how to handle myself around other HUMAN BEINGS (a species I gave up trying to understand long ago).

I was referring to asexuality in strictly biological terms (i.e. the ability to reproduce without the need for a member of the opposite sex, essentially sexless creatures). Here, we're using asexuality to denote a general disinterest in sex. Not the same sort of thing really. One is a biological imperative while the other is a preference or choice or even just a personality trait (which I don't believe is biologically founded).

Judy

You see, I believe that if a person is so shy that he/she is actively avoiding sex, then that still constitutes a choice not to have sex. The person seeks to avoid the consequences of such an act whatever he/she believes them to be. Whether or not his/her notions of sex are unfounded is largely irrelevant. That person is functioning on his/her belief system and making decisions based on that system. That's a choice, I'd hardly call it involuntary or even irrational. Sex can lead to dire consequences and some persons choose to abstain from it to avoid such consequences.

Judy

Wow, this club is awesome!! I am so glad this exists. I was never interested in boys in high school and thought that i would grow out of it. Oh no i was very wrong. I am totally fed up with the sexual inndouidos we face in our world today. This site has the ideals i am looking for. I again am glad that this site exists and am looking forward to gaining insight from you all.

Ok, i have a question. Can you be religious and asexual? Are any of you religious?

I believe you can. I have a very strong faith and am not planning on giving it up.

Welcome to the club. In response to your question about the merging of religion and asexuality -- I personally see no reason why not, unless your religion specifically forbids it. So it would depend highly upon your religion. I cannot think of any modern religion offhand that forbids living a life without sex. In fact many refer to such an existence as "pure" or "elevated."

As far as Christianity goes, the Pauline text has statements that imply that being asexual is better than being married. I'll copy the passages here. Not that I'm proselytizing. I just want to offer this up to whoever is interested. I'll use the WE version because it's gender neutral :-)

1 Corinthians 7

25 Here is what I say about those who are not married. (I have no law from the Lord about this. But here is what I think. You can trust me because the Lord has helped me.)

26 I think that, since there is now trouble in the world, it is good for each one to stay as he is.

27 If you have married a wife, do not try to be free from her. If you have no wife, do not look for one.

28 But, if you marry, it is not wrong. And if a woman marries, it is not wrong. People who marry will have trouble in this life. And I want to keep you out of it.

29 Here, my brothers, is what I mean. The time is short. In the time that is left, men who have wives should live as though they did not.

30 People who cry should live as though they were not sad. People who laugh should live as though they were not glad. People who buy things should live as though they did not own them.

31 And people who are busy with things in this world should not be too busy. The world as we see it is passing away.

32 I want your minds to be free. The man who is not married thinks about the things of the Lord. He tries to please the Lord.

33 But the man who is married thinks about the things of this world. He tries to please his wife.

34 In the same way, there is a difference between the woman who is married and the one who is not. The woman who is not married thinks about the things of the Lord. She wants her body and her spirit to be holy. But the married woman thinks about the things of this life. She tries to please her husband.

35 I say this to help you, not to make it hard for you. I want to show you what is good. I do not want anything to stop you from serving the Lord.

36 And if a man feels that he is doing the right thing for the woman he is to marry, then let him marry her. That is, if she is no longer young, and if he wants her very much. Then he must do as he thinks best. It is not wrong for him to do it.

37 But the man who has made up his mind not to marry his woman will do well. That is, if he does not have to marry her, and is able to control himself, and if he is sure about it in his own mind.

38 So the man who marries his woman will do what is good. But the man who does not marry her will do better.

39 A wife may not leave her husband as long as he is living. But if he dies, she is free to marry any man she wants. Only this, he must be a Christian.

40 But I think that she is happier if she stays as she is and does not marry again. (I think too that I am saying what the Spirit of God wants me to say in this matter.)

First, welcome to the two newcomers. While I've never had problems in dealing with either gender I totally understand the "whats up with this whole sex/dating thing" attitude you have mentioned. Anyway, hope this club is really what you are looking for and hopefully you can share more insights.

Next, as far as religion goes, yes yes yes I totally think you can be both. I have been wanting to post something about that but with all of the anti Christian ranting going on I was very hesitant to do so. But yes, I think that the two can coexist. I don't know that one life style is necessarily prefered over another. Both staying single and getting married have their virtues and their problems.

Finally - Judy to respond to your comment about asexuality having no biological basis - I'm not so sure you are right. It certainly would not surprise me if there was some hormonal basis to a lack of sex drive seeing as how sex drive is hormonally regulated. If the levels or balance are not right then it could translate into what appears to be asexual behavior. I know that I have had hormonal problems my whole life and I think one other person on this forum has mentioned having some as well. A friend of mine said that she definitely noticed a change in her sex drive when she started taking hormone pills. Granted I'm dealing with a very small sample size here but scientifically it makes a lot of sense to me. Why do you feel that there is no biological basis to this at all? I'm not attacking, I'm genuinely curious since I'm trying to figure out what the basis of my apparent asexuality might be.