Haven for the Human Amoeba

When I was eighteen, I went on a spiritual journey. A number of my peers were dying and I was looking for answers to the sort of questions everyone looks for when faced with mortality. And while I do not subscribe to any particular dogma, what I found has sustained me my entire life.

Your posting touched a chord in me, as I have always likened asexual love to agape (for want of a better word). It is not bound by the constructs of physical demand and as such, becomes boundless. I feel that when we attempt to add an adjective to asexuality (homosexual, hetrosexual or bi-sexual) we are not defining ourselves, but rather limiting the spiritual love we are capable of giving and receiving.

Hello everyone,

Thanks for the replies and glad to hear from you. Pondering asexuality (if I am or not), I wonder about desires from a spiritual perspective. My husband is Buddhist and I have similar beliefs. Basically we believe that enlightenment/nirvana/divine realization, etc. comes once a spiritual being (soul) has detached from their desires - all of their desires including sexual desires. My understanding is there's a process/order of detachment, detaching from one desire before or after another desire, etc, for each person. So one person may lose sexual desire before another. Just as simple as one person having more material/monetary desires than another or liking certain foods, lifestyles, entertainment, etc.

I think it is possible to have sexual desire then lose it through detachment and never have it again - becoming asexual rather than being physically dysfunctional sexually. And for those of you that understand reincarnation, once someone loses sexual desire, in their next life they would be asexual from birth. Can anyone relate to this concept of asexuality? Or do you think I'm totally off?

I'm wondering how many proclaimed asexuals have an alternative spiritual understanding about their sexual desires? And I'm not refering to the anti-sex/sin point of view. What do y'all think?

Kat

Hello,

I just joined this group a few days ago and was waiting for posts such as these. I have been on a spiritual journey most of my life and I have always considered myself asexual even though I am married with three children. My husband and I are now separated for about 8 years...the reason being he never thought I was sexual at all (which I wasn't and still am not). He began to cheat on me right from the first. We had been married for over 25 years before we separated. Love is not about sex. My love runs very deep and spiritual and people need to know that just because a person is not sexual like most of civilisation, they are what they are and need to be accepted for what they are. I have always felt I was very misunderstood in more ways than just sexuality. My life has turned in different directions than most as I was always curious and asking many questions about life, i.e., where we came from, who are we and where are we going. Learning and growing and seeking answers has always been what is foremost in my consciousness. I am not a religious/dogmatic person but very spiritual. Nice to be here.

dekka

When I was eighteen, I went on a spiritual journey. A number of my peers were dying and I was looking for answers to the sort of questions everyone looks for when faced with mortality. And while I do not subscribe to any particular dogma, what I found has sustained me my entire life.

Your posting touched a chord in me, as I have always likened asexual love to agape (for want of a better word). It is not bound by the constructs of physical demand and as such, becomes boundless. I feel that when we attempt to add an adjective to asexuality (homosexual, hetrosexual or bi-sexual) we are not defining ourselves, but rather limiting the spiritual love we are capable of giving and receiving.

From

amoebangel

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Sent

Friday, September 15, 2006 11:27 AM

Subject

[Haven for the Human Amoeba] sexual desire from Buddhist/spiritual point of view

Hello everyone,

Thanks for the replies and glad to hear from you. Pondering asexuality (if I am or not), I wonder about desires from a spiritual perspective. My husband is Buddhist and I have similar beliefs. Basically we believe that enlightenment/nirvana/divine realization, etc. comes once a spiritual being (soul) has detached from their desires - all of their desires including sexual desires. My understanding is there's a process/order of detachment, detaching from one desire before or after another desire, etc, for each person. So one person may lose sexual desire before another. Just as simple as one person having more material/monetary desires than another or liking certain foods, lifestyles, entertainment, etc.

I think it is possible to have sexual desire then lose it through detachment and never have it again - becoming asexual rather than being physically dysfunctional sexually. And for those of you that understand reincarnation, once someone loses sexual desire, in their next life they would be asexual from birth. Can anyone relate to this concept of asexuality? Or do you think I'm totally off?

I'm wondering how many proclaimed asexuals have an alternative spiritual understanding about their sexual desires? And I'm not refering to the anti-sex/sin point of view. What do y'all think?

Kat

Interesting concept and my thoughts run along the same lines for myself, not because I am a very spiritual being as I strive along that road like everyone else. I have been told by someone who is very psychic though that I was a nun my last two life times. That in itself would indicate abstinance. This lifetime I grew up Catholic but have integrated into a pantheitic form of belief, so I consider myself not of any particular religion but of all religions.

Mary

Interesting concept and my thoughts run along the same lines for myself, not because I am a very spiritual being as I strive along that road like everyone else. I have been told by someone who is very psychic though that I was a nun my last two life times. That in itself would indicate abstinance. This lifetime I grew up Catholic but have integrated into a pantheitic form of belief, so I consider myself not of any particular religion but of all religions.

Mary

The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Mahatma Gandhi 1869-1948

Dear Mary ! First : SORRY, but I didn`t find the time to read the book about eccentrics again and I had to give it back today, so I can`t keep my promise. But do yourself a favour and try to get your hands on it , it`s really interesting and very, very amusing. But what I want to contribute to the ongoing discussion is: I once met a guy from Vietnam who told me spontaneously that I had been a a buddhist nun in my former life and in this incarnation -said he- I was very, very happy. What he didn`t know is:´Actually I am an "baptized" buddhist and my buddhist name is "The Bright Light of Happiness". The thing the lama who gave my name name didn`t know is : Every astrologer always looks first where your sun is situated and whether it`s aligned with another planet. In my case it`s Sun in Leo aligned with Jupiter, in astro-talk: the bright light of happiness. And what`s the best recipe for beeing happy? Stay away from the fucking "War Of Genders" as far as you can !!! For me, it works perfectly well.( I visited the website of the german branch of AVEN once - too complicated for my taste- and they found out that 34,4 % of their members are vegetarian or vegans - I mean, what`s jumping around in this group ? Eccentric buddhists, vegan jewish autistics, all kinds of aspies, ADS- folks, you name it. But after all- most of them a little bit "unworldly"- wouldn`t you agree? Love, Gunhild

Interesting concept and my thoughts run along the same lines for myself, not because I am a very spiritual being as I strive along that road like everyone else. I have been told by someone who is very psychic though that I was a nun my last two life times. That in itself would indicate abstinance. This lifetime I grew up Catholic but have integrated into a pantheitic form of belief, so I consider myself not of any particular religion but of all religions.

Mary

The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Mahatma Gandhi 1869-1948

Dear Mary ! First : SORRY, but I didn`t find the time to read the book about eccentrics again and I had to give it back today, so I can`t keep my promise. But do yourself a favour and try to get your hands on it , it`s really interesting and very, very amusing. But what I want to contribute to the ongoing discussion is: I once met a guy from Vietnam who told me spontaneously that I had been a a buddhist nun in my former life and in this incarnation -said he- I was very, very happy. What he didn`t know is:´Actually I am an "baptized" buddhist and my buddhist name is "The Bright Light of Happiness". The thing the lama who gave my name name didn`t know is : Every astrologer always looks first where your sun is situated and whether it`s aligned with another planet. In my case it`s Sun in Leo aligned with Jupiter, in astro-talk: the bright light of happiness. And what`s the best recipe for beeing happy? Stay away from the fucking "War Of Genders" as far as you can !!! For me, it works perfectly well.( I visited the website of the german branch of AVEN once - too complicated for my taste- and they found out that 34,4 % of their members are vegetarian or vegans - I mean, what`s jumping around in this group ? Eccentric buddhists, vegan jewish autistics, all kinds of aspies, ADS- folks, you name it. But after all- most of them a little bit "unworldly"- wouldn`t you agree? Love, Gunhild

Sex and Relationships: No sex please... We're celibate

-by Grace Ong -

SINCE this page is about sex and relationships, it was inevitable that a dirty word should eventually pop up. So, here it is: celibacy.

But isnt that the state of sexual abstinence and chastity achieved only by nuns, priests and three-headed monsters? we hear the more prurient readers, impatient for their weekly dose of filth normally lovingly-served up here, ask?

Yes - if you ask the equally depraved/deprived writer. No - if you ask the countless tomes written on the subject and the internet, which yielded over 2 million results when celibacy was googled.

There actually exists in this world, mind you people who are celibate by choice. Which is to say, they are neither religious nor do they have faces that only their mothers could love. Even rock stars, like Morrissey, can choose to be celibate.

The vow of celibacy is a promise not to enter into marriage or engage in sexual intercourse.

It is sometimes used interchangeably as a synonym for abstinence or chastity, while some writers on sexuality draw a distinction between abstinence and celibacy, stating that celibacy means (only) refraining from any sexual activity with a PARTNER. The argument is that this can be empowering, as it still allows that person to be sexual through, for example, masturbation (there you have it, salacious readers, a naughty word at last).

This would not, however, be referred to as chaste celibacy, as masturbation is not considered a chaste act.

There are many reasons for these peoples abstension. One of these is health, so as to eliminate the risks of venereal disease. It could even be a case of asexuality, which means having absolutely no interest in or an active dislike for sex.

If that has some of you shaking your head in disbelief, then the concept of Greater Good will have you downright puzzled.

There also appears to be some very noble people out there who refuse to reproduce because it may be detrimental to society by contributing to overpopulation.

And then there is the Buddhist way. The main goal of living, according to the Buddhist celibate, is to eliminate desire.

Desire is one of the main causes of suffering, both in the world as well as in the mind or heart. The teachings compare desire, especially sexual desire, to drinking salted water. The more you drink, the more you want, without easing your thirst. So, not drinking the salted water results in saline (or is that sublime?) happiness.

That makes sense if you recall the many times you have suffered through bad sex, yet emerged from these sessions craving more, telling yourself that it will be better next time - or with somebody else.

And finally, there are people who abstain from sex for the simple reason of focusing their energies on other matters, like social issues.

That does make sense, for it isnt the act of sex that is draining - although it does leave you blissfully spent for about fifteen minutes. It is the PURSUIT of sex. How often do we think of sex and to what lengths would we go to get it? Wed lie. Wed cheat. Some of us would sell our grannies.

Now, imagine if we were to focus our collective energies on higher things, like how to sort out the mess in Sudan. The world would surely be a much better place.

But will it be worth it? Sex, at its slobbery, sweaty best, is an amazing experience.

Somebody once said that it was wonderful that our body has this in-built capacity for such pleasure, and the scientists tell us that it is, indeed, very good for our health.

And to judge by how it was almost impossible to track down even one true celibate to interview for this weeks topic - compared to how easy it was to find libertines who would sleep with their bosses, have one-night stands and marry hookers for previous stories - it would appear that everyone agrees.

But wait ... we did find one. His name is Bartholomew* and he is 30 years old. He has never had, and will never have, sex. He is also homosexual.

I simply love men too much to have sex with them. I love them in ways you cannot even imagine. To have carnal knowledge of them would simply shatter the many beautiful illusions I have about them.

And I treasure my innocence, which once lost, would be irretrievable, says Bart.

Sadly true on both counts, and almost convincing enough for this writer to rush to the nearest store for a chastity belt. I said almost.

Copyright 2006 The Malay Mail Online http://www.mmail.com.my/Current_News/mm/Weekend/Feature/20061007111839/Article/index_html

The Fourth Way

Sex is what life is all about. Every high street is dominated by shops selling clothes to make you sexier, beauty products to make you more attractive, cars to make you stand out, books promising you wit at the turn of a page. If you really look at life with a cynical eye, it's all about being better than then next person, top of the heap, the alpha male/female, the most sexually appealing. So, if you really don't want sex, is the world just not your sort of place? Natalie Thorne takes a look at the realm of asexuality.

"Being asexual is not being celibate." Says Greg immediately (as if to set the record straight before we go any further). "I don't choose not to have sex, I just don't want it!" Greg is 32, perfectly healthy in every way and certainly not unattractive. But for the past six years, he has opted out of sex all together, something any psychologist would probably worry about! Yet Greg is convinced that far from having a problem, he is simply following his own natural born sexuality. "The difference between celibacy and asexuality is simply the desire. If you are celibate, you are making the effort not to do something which you really want to do. I don't want to do it in the first place!"

Like many LGBT's, it was in his teenage years that Greg discovered he was different to other kids his age. "At about the age of fourteen, my mates started to cover themselves in deodorant, slick their hair down and start to get really loud and boastful when any girls were around. It's not that I was scruffy or didn't care how I looked, but when I combed my hair I was doing it for me, not to attract a girl." By the time Greg was 18, he still hadn't lost his virginity. Although not really desiring it, the peer pressure he was under made him feel as though sex was something he needed to do to be considered 'human'. "I eventually got a girlfriend who was an admin assistant in the factory where I worked. The actual sex thing wasn't much to write home about, but I loved the feeling the next day when I walked into work knowing I was at last part of the real world".

For a few years, Greg carried on having girlfriends, but something was still amiss. While his sex life was certainly very healthy, his motivation to go out and find a girl was starting to dwindle. "I was in my local pub one night with all my other mates and there was a girl who was looking at me all night. I just thought to myself, 'why am I going to go over and talk to her? What do I really want?' I thought a bit more about it and realised that I wanted sex because it made me feel needed, not because I actually enjoyed it. As long as I was having sex, I was 'normal'." Over a period of a few months, Greg decided not to seek a partner and simply do the things he wanted to do. When he met a man who labelled himself 'asexual', Greg realised that he was too.

Asexuality is a fast growing sexual preference. In a world that is screaming out that sex should be everybody's raison d'etre, a large number of males, females, gays, bisexuals and heterosexuals are deciding that for them, sex just isn't that bigger deal. Figures prove that more and more people are becoming asexual, even if they don't know that is what they are! In surveys on sexual orientation, the number of people who ticked the 'not interested in either gender' box has risen from 1% in 1994 to 3% today. At that rate of growth, it won't be long before there are as many asexual people in the UK as there are homosexual.

The correlations between the emergence of this new fourth sexuality are similar to that of the gay movement some sixty years earlier. Whilst not on the same level as the suffering of the early gay rights advocates, prejudice is still very much a part of an asexual's life. "My mates think I have got a problem and often suggest viagra! My parents are letdown at the idea of no grandchildren. Sex is like chocolate; when you meet somebody who doesn't like it, you go 'what? No, you must like it! Everybody likes it!'". Already, the religious society has spoken out against the new fourth sexuality too. A US Christian organisation recently stated that 'sexuality is a gift from God thus a fundamental part of human sexuality'. The remarks came in the annual magazine of the National Religious Vocation Conference and even suggested that an asexual was simply 'not a person'.

Scientifically, asexuality has mostly been discussed in relation to plants, worms and other creatures that don't need to have sex to replicate themselves. While the academic community are obsessed with who finds who sexually attractive and why, the concept of not finding anybody attractive seems to have passed most scientists by. But there are a few studies out there that back up the asexual's argument of their condition. In the 1990's a study of sheep in Idaho showed that about 10% of rams weren't interested in ewes at all. Any country bumpkin will also note the rather unimpressed reaction of cows when a bull is introduced to the herd! In the animal kingdom, asexuality definitely exists.

But aren't asexuals setting themselves up for a very lonely life? Greg disagrees. "There is no reason why I can't have a girlfriend and even get married. If I wanted to, I'm sure I could have kids. It would only mean doing it once or twice, which isn't too much of a stress! To be honest, what I want from life is a close companion, like the sort elder widows and widowers have, somebody to share your life with, comfort and respect but not necessarily sleep with. Whether it is a man or a woman doesn't really matter either. When I find somebody who feels like the other half of me, then I will stick by them and be committed, whoever they are. It's actually not restrictive at all if you think about it. Any person of any age or any sex could be the person I spend the rest of my life with!"

To those whose lives do not have to include sex, the new asexual movement has opened up a whole new community. AVEN is a web forum devoted specifically to asexuals and is one of the first 'community' based organisations. On their site, other asexuals can discuss their condition and celebrate who they are, again mirroring the valuable outlet for the gay community that the world wide web provides. In one such forum, a group in the USA have even speculated about the idea of setting up an 'asexual bar' where like-minded people can mix freely and meet other people just like themselves. How long before there is an asexual pride? Greg smiles at the question. "Not long I am sure. Every sexuality should have the right to shout what they are from the rooftops, let the world know that they exist and demand tolerance. Sexuality is no longer about who you sleep with, but also who you don't!"

For more information on being asexual, check out AVEN's website at www.asexuality.org.

http://www.fyne.co.uk/Support/Asexual.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmXXgRvotGM&search=asexuality

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iwxo6t7XBYs&search=asexuality

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kPfLYuQlL8&mode=related&search=asexuality

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeKGOMUVU7g&mode=related&search=asexuality

<link rel="stylesheet" href="http://www.associatedcontent.com/include/ac_newsletters.css" type="text/css"> <body> <div id="page"> <div id="header_acmessage"> <div id="header_date"></div> </div> <div id="spacer_2"></div> <div style="padding:10px;">

Contemplative One (<a href="mailto:Goddessatplay@..." class="link_orange">Goddessatplay@...</a>) has sent you the following link:

Asexuality is Not Celibacy - It's a Sexual Orientation that Must Be Respected and Explored

<a href="http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/50900/asexuality_is_not_celibacy_its_a_sexual.html" class="link_orange">http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/50900/asexuality_is_not_celibacy_its_a_sexual.html</a>

The following note was also included:

In this evolving world of understanding and compassion for individuals of all sexual preference, I would like to inform you all about another kind of sexual orientation: None at all.

<em>Associated Content is the People's Media Company. It is a massive library of text, video and audio content published by the public for the public. Check it out at <a href="http://www.associatedcontent.com" class="link_orange">www.associatedcontent.com</a>.</em></div> </body>

Asexuality

Redirected from Asexism Some people are not sexually attracted to anyone, and describe themselves as asexual. This may be viewed as a form of sexual orientation in itself, although it is sometimes claimed that it is a psycho-sexual problem. Several religions or religious sects believe that asexuality is a spiritually superior condition. One example is the Roman-Catholic[?] ideal that sex is a sin and that sexual abstinence or chastity is to be preferred. Consequently, people who live as asexuals are the only people who can become priests in the Catholic Church. This idea that asexuality is the higher way is sometimes referred to as asexism. In other creeds, children are often considered a gift of God that should not be refused, and/or a means of spreading religion. In fiction, John Braine's novel The Jealous God (1964) is a good example of sex mainly seen as a sin. On the other hand, in his science fiction novel Distress[?] (1995), Greg Egan imagines a world where "asex" is one out of five or seven acknowledged gender settings. Asexuality is not to be confused with asexual reproduction.

06 eBroadcast Australia http://www.ebroadcast.com.au/lookup/encyclopedia/as/Asexism.html

Asexuality -- Paul's gift? Silly me, I thought that after a decade of teaching gender studies, I'd seen it all. The Internet proves, once again, its worth: thanks to Alas, A Blog, I've learned of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. Defining "asexual" as "a person who does not experience sexual attraction", the group (AVEN is the acronym) is devoted to creating dialogue among and about the rapidly emerging group of individuals who identify as asexual. The AVEN folks have just started a blog; the current post is on how to "come out" to family and friends about one's total absence of sexual desire.

Who knew?

They also have a nifty FAQ for folks wondering if they are asexual (written by a person described as paranoidgynandroid, whatever that means.) An excerpt: When deciding to identify as asexual or not, it might be useful to consider if you have the drive to express your sexuality with other people. Regardless of whether your sexuality involves attraction to other people, another person could still assist you in expressing it somehow. If you don't feel the need to involve another then you will probably be comfortable within the asexual community.

For some people expressions of love must involve sex, to them if you are capable of being sexual in any way then you would wish to involve your loving partner in this sexuality. Many asexuals do not make this connection between love and sex. They feel that they can express love and feel intimacy without any sexual activity. Keeping your partner out of your sexual feelings, especially if these have nothing to do with sex or other people, does not mean that you are rejecting them or not expressing your love fully.

People form identities around stuff that they need to figure out. People who identify as asexual tend to be trying to figure out how to live full emotionally complete lives without necessarily having to engage in sexual relationships with other people, how to live in a world that places a high premium on sexuality and sexual relationships. If this is something that you are struggling with in some way then the asexual community is worth investigating.

Well, it's hard to imagine even the most troglodytic social conservative objecting to an "asexuality" movement. Indeed, I can't help but feel that in a Christian context, these are the people who are truly called to a lifetime of celibacy. Jeez, I wonder if this isn't what Paul meant in his treatise on marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:7:

I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

Paul makes it clear that he doesn't "burn" with passion, and thus feels no compulsion to marry.

I'm convinced that some people, a small number, are genuinely called to celibacy. Given that we worship a loving God who does not play cruel jokes, I suspect that those folks to whom such a call is given are also given the accompanying "gift" of asexuality. It's obvious that the folks at AVEN don't see themselves as gifted -- like all sexual minority groups, they see themselves as misunderstood and in some sense even oppressed. Theirs is a struggle for secular recognition, and I honor that struggle. Of course, as an inclusive liberal, it seems clear to me that the only folks who ought to be expected to remain celibate for a lifetime are those who are genuinely asexual. There is much to be said for congruence between action and desire, after all. For those who have no desire to mate and (or) marry, there are many other opportunities to serve God and the world.

It's tempting to pathologize the folks at AVEN as repressed, emotionally wounded sorts who just need to find the right relationship. As a straight man, it's infinitely easier for me to understand homosexuality than it is to understand asexuality. Because it is alien to my life experience, the desire to characterize asexuals as "in denial" is quite strong. But instead, I honor their unique gifts and their unique struggles, and recommend their site highly to anyone who is troubled by a lack of sexual desire.

Hugo Schwyzer The assorted musings of Hugo Schwyzer: a progressive Anabaptist/Episcopalian Democrat (but with a sense of humor), a community college history and gender studies professor, animal rights activist, ENFP Gemini, avid marathoner, aspiring ultra-runner, die-hard political junkie, and (still) the proud father of the most amazing chinchilla on God's green earth. http://hugoboy.typepad.com/hugo_schwyzer/2004/10/asexuality_paul.html

1. Name/age: cb (Nickname)/36

2. Gender: Male

3. Race: Caucasian/Mixed (Irish and Cherokee Indian)

4. Geographic Location: NYC Metro Area

5. Have you ever had sex? Yes

6. What gender, if any, are you attracted to? Female

7. Are you open about your non-sexuality? Somewhat. Wife knows and accepts it, she is sexual (with some asexuality.)

8. Are you married? Yes Do you crave/have non-sexual romance? Yes

9. Do you have or want children? No, but would not rule out adoption

10. Do you like ANY human contact? Only liked being touch by her (and she is same way)

11. Are you bothered by your asexuality? Sometimes, but not really.

12. Do you date or desire companionship? Yes (and I have a wonderful one now. Do you like to kiss? Yes

13. Have you ruled out possible medical/psychological reasons for your disinterest in sex? Yes, been to doctor, plumbing all normal, hormones normal. Seen therapist and she think it's my fetishes and desire for bondage games.

14. Were you sexually molested as a child either by adults or other children? No, not that I can remember and I remember most of my childhood.

15. When did you first start to realize that you were different from other people in terms of your sexuality? About 16, but didn't understand it till much later.

Ask the Sexpert

This week, she answers questions on virginity and asexuality

Dear Sexpert,

I haven't dated anyone in a while, mostly because I just don't feel attracted to anyone (of either gender!). A friend made a joke the other day that I might be asexual. What is that exactly? If I am asexual does that mean I'm a freak?

— Lacking in Lust

Dear Lacking,

Recent studies estimate that one percent of people in the United States are asexual. That means that in a university the size of Princeton, 50 or so undergraduates may be asexual. Clearly, asexuality is not something weird!

Asexuals are people who aren't sexually attracted to others, though they may be physically or emotionally attracted to them. Asexuals differ widely: some are happy on their own, while others date and have fulfilling, intimate relationships, often with people who do not identify as asexual. If an asexual person dates someone who is sexual, a compromise must be reached about the amount of sexual activity to engage in, if any.

Many (though not all) asexuals experience arousal, and some even enjoy sexual activities such as kissing and cuddling. Usually, however, asexuals do not feel a desire for sexual partnership, and prefer to find contentment in other types of pleasure.

Whether or not you're asexual is something that only you can determine. Maybe you just haven't met the right person — who knows what will happen in the future? If you do decide to identify as asexual, however, you should know that it is perfectly normal.

— The Sexpert

"Sexpert" is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions, to be published anonymously every Thursday, to sexpert@.... Don't be shy!

Copyright 2006 Daily Princetonian Publishing Company, Inc. http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/archives/2006/10/12/arts/16166.shtml

Hi, my real name is Tim but I sometimes go by Rand. I live in a small town in Alabama called Montevallo, which is a little college town with about five thousand or so people. I am obviously Asexual. According to the AVEN, or whatever the website was, I'm a B-type Asexual, capable of romantic affection, but very turned off by even the thought of physical contact with either gender. My sex drive was, I suppose, normal up into my late teens but started to slowly decline. Today at 41 I rarely if ever even think about it and actually find the sex mania which seems to be overwhelming the country kind of repulsive. I'm partially disabled, and since I don't date, I have a fair amount of spare time. I enjoy writing, horror and sci-fi, tending to my blueberry bushes and grape vines, building models of the spaceships in my sci-fi novels, and taking care of my "kids." Vincent, my oldest boy, is a handsome, six year old, four and a half foot long green iguana. My youngest is Caesar, a two year old pug with quite a personality. Also, I am a licensed Eccentric of the southern variety so please forgive me if I come off sounding odd and kind of spacey at times. I look forward to getting to know everyone. Take Care, Tim...

Hi Tim,

Welcome to the group. I suggest that you also take one of the free online aspergers tests to see if you are also aspergers like me. There is a high percentage of asexuals among aspergers victims. One such test can be found at: http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

It doesn't really matter if you are aspie or not, but if you are, it gives you a lot of knowledge about yourself that is really helpful.

Dennis.

Hi, my real name is Tim but I sometimes go by Rand. I live in a small town in Alabama called Montevallo, which is a little college town with about five thousand or so people. I am obviously Asexual. According to the AVEN, or whatever the website was, I'm a B-type Asexual, capable of romantic affection, but very turned off by even the thought of physical contact with either gender. My sex drive was, I suppose, normal up into my late teens but started to slowly decline. Today at 41 I rarely if ever even think about it and actually find the sex mania which seems to be overwhelming the country kind of repulsive. I'm partially disabled, and since I don't date, I have a fair amount of spare time. I enjoy writing, horror and sci-fi, tending to my blueberry bushes and grape vines, building models of the spaceships in my sci-fi novels, and taking care of my "kids." Vincent, my oldest boy, is a handsome, six year old, four and a half foot long green iguana. My youngest is Caesar, a two year old pug with quite a personality. Also, I am a licensed Eccentric of the southern variety so please forgive me if I come off sounding odd and kind of spacey at times. I look forward to getting to know everyone. Take Care, Tim...

Yahoo! Groups Links

Welcome Tim, I am Mary and live in Southern California. I love to hear about kids! I actually have one of the human kind that I adopted when I was in my 30's which is the best thing I ever did. She's all grown up and married now so I content myself with my K-9 (3) and feline (3) kids and also my 2 rats. Mary

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Thanks for the warm welcome. I actually joined about a month ago but my message didn't post until a few days ago. It's wonderful to know there are other folks out there I can relate to. The people where I live are not like the rednecks most southerners are portrayed as on tv and in the movies, but I seriously doubt that anyone around here knows what asexual means. According to my own brother you're either straight or gay, so I don't discuss the subject with him very much. Denis, I went to the web site you mentioned, took the test and scored a 43. Of course, my score might have been so high since I suffer from OCD and Social Anxiety Disorder, but I was asexual long before I got sick. Look forward to chatting. Take Care, Tim...

That score is indicative of asperger's syndrome. You might want to try the following test as well: http://www.thegeeksyndrome.com/quiz/

OCD is kind of normal behavior for an aspie. Aspies generally dislike social situations, so it wouldn't be suprising to me if your SAD was related to it as well.

Aspies like myself tend to be asexual to varying degrees. I'm not married, but I know a few that are. Basically, their wives tend to get stressed out a lot because they want sex and the aspie cannot force himself to do it once the initial lust wears off. To a married aspie, sex becomes a chore like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. The wife either gets a negative physical self image complex, thinking she cannot satisfy her husband, or she gets a new partner.

Your brother is incorrect in his assumption that human sexuality is clearly defined as being black or white. Basically, we are all bisexual and generally lean toward gay or straight. The same is true of one's sex drive. Sexual drive varies also between nymphomania (satyriasis in men) and asexuality. The people on this group tend to lean toward asexuality, but I think we are in the minority. Also, there are people who consider themselves asexual who occasionally have sex and enjoy it, but who don't want it very frequently.

I'm not sure what being a redneck has to do with it. I was raised among rednecks, but I didn't pick up any of their sterotypical likes and dislikes. Even something as simple as beer. When I was young, my girlfriend gave me some of her dad's beer. I gagged on it, but she loved it. To this day, I still don't drink beer, but occasionally I will have some scotch whiskey

Dennis. (Note the second N in my name)

Thanks for the warm welcome. I actually joined about a month ago but my message didn't post until a few days ago. It's wonderful to know there are other folks out there I can relate to. The people where I live are not like the rednecks most southerners are portrayed as on tv and in the movies, but I seriously doubt that anyone around here knows what asexual means. According to my own brother you're either straight or gay, so I don't discuss the subject with him very much. Denis, I went to the web site you mentioned, took the test and scored a 43. Of course, my score might have been so high since I suffer from OCD and Social Anxiety Disorder, but I was asexual long before I got sick. Look forward to chatting. Take Care, Tim...

This go round I scored a 35. I looked the syndrome up and I do seem to have quite a few of the symptons or personality traits. I'll ask my therapist what he thinks next time I see him. Take Care, Tim...

Post of the Week

"The reason asexuals wish to come out to family and friends is probably to put an end to the intense social pressure to partner. I'm sure a good number want to partner, but they wish to do so on their own terms. That means communication. I also think they are trying to gain some support for themselves as people. I never feel very comfortable on a course of action unless I feel I am supported by my family."

--mindlife on why we (sometimes) come out.

Every AVEN member has a new perspective. Read more and discuss your own on the community boards. http://www.asexuality.org/home/

There is such thing as asexuality Discussion about asexuals, people who are not sexually attracted to other people

Dror Elron Published: 12.07.06, 20:51

Question: This isn’t my personal invention; there is an organization for people who do not have sex, relationships, or anything other than life itself.

There were periods when the tiger in me was really looking for his true tigress. As long as age is not a problem, it’s easier to compromise and to go with the flow, but as you get older just sex begins to be more complicated, and a relationship is also complicated.

As a person who has been doing intensive personal growth work for the past 15 years - homeopathy, acupuncture, therapeutic touch, intensive exercise, psychology, losing over 100 pounds in a decade - it’s important to me to make clear how disappointed I am with the miserable result.

And then suddenly I realized that most of the time I’m sad to be alone, and it seeps into my personal life, into all the good things I produce for myself and those around me. I came to the realization that I’m a completely normal person, healthy, nice, and completely empathetic to my fellow man, but I’m not finding my tigress, or in prettier language, my queen. My only sin, which is not under my control, is my innocence.

I’ve done personal growth work, and now I need experience. I haven’t succeeded in acquiring experience in the short term, and as time passes it blunts the experience I’ve gained and reinforces my innocence.

Though I know how hard and how good a healthy relationship is, I’ve chosen to be asexual. It’s really a good feeling. I’ve regained control of my life, I’m more active in all the things I do.

Something has opened up and it stimulates my senses, which before were directed toward finding a relationship. Now when I have room, after taking myself off all the dating web sites, with new room in my heart, with a feeling of belonging, it’s possible that I might just meet her by chance, and it will all happen.

Answer: Your letter touched my heart and made me want to discuss the issue of asexuality at greater length. But first I will address what you said. In your letter you share with us your pain, your sadness, and your loneliness, as well as your passion and great hope that you’ll succeed in meeting the person you call “my tigress” or “my queen.”

These are not the words of a person who is asexual. These are the words of a person who is disappointed with his attempts to find a relationship. These are the words of a person who has tried very hard to do whatever he can to find his “queen,” but something has not worked out.

You describe how you did “intensive personal growth work,” examined and changed yourself in order to be more attractive, in order to be chosen, but you’ve remained alone.

I'd like to say a few words to you: It’s very important to change, but is this the real answer to the difficulty of finding a relationship, or are the attempts to change an indication of your difficulty in finding a relationship?

Your difficulty in accepting yourself as you are - your innocence, the empathy you feel for others, and your weight, which you noted you have significantly reduced - are the heart of your problem in finding a relationship. Your assumption that the person you are, if left unchanged, is not enough to allow you to choose, is what causing people not to choose you, and is making it difficult for you to establish a relationship.

You aren’t asexual; you just need to accept what you have, to make your peace with who you are, and that is the only way you’ll be able to find your queen. Only when you allow yourself to recognize and see the king in you will you be able to find your queen. When you allow the tiger in you, a symbol of your passion, to go out and hunt, you’ll be able to find your tigress.

One percent are asexual In general, the current definition of “asexuality” applies to people who do not feel sexual attraction to another person, man or woman. This is not an official definition, but the self-definition of those who perceive themselves as asexual. There is a dispute among researchers and professionals in the field about whether this is a sexual orientation or a problem with sexual functioning.

The few studies that have been done on people who report that they’ve never felt sexual attraction found that about one percent of the population falls into this category. Because there is no official definition, the current definition is very broad, and there are differences among those who call themselves asexual.

In 2001 David Jay, a self-described asexual, established the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, a web site that serves as one of the larger online communities on asexuality. The site defines an asexual as “a person who does not experience sexual attraction.”

There is a distinction between asexuals and those who make a conscious decision not to have sex, since asexuals lack sexual desire, while the others do not. The goal of the site is to engender a public discussion on asexuality and to allow the expansion of the asexual community. The community has expanded, and the topic has been discussed on television networks around the world.

Asexuals consider themselves to be people who are oriented this way, just as there are those who are attracted to the opposite sex or the same sex. They reject the claims that asexuality is a manifestation of a problem with sexual functioning, explaining that they do not feel sexual attraction and that this does not cause them distress, which means that this isn’t a problem with sexual functioning.

Asexuals are capable of loving. As they see it, romantic attraction is separate from sexual attraction. Some talk about a romantic impulse and feel an urge for and want a romantic relationship. There are asexuals who have romantic relationships without full sexual relations. They can hug and caress, but they feel no urge to have full sexual relations. Some have romantic relationships, including full sexual relations, sometimes in order to satisfy their partner.

There are still not enough studies on this subject, and there are many differences among those who define themselves as asexual. It is important to distinguish between people having trouble establishing a relationship and intimacy, and those who define themselves as asexual. It is also important to undertake a careful examination of physiological problems and hormone levels that can affect the sex drive.

Dror Elron is a psychotherapist and sexologist http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3337163,00.html

Anything but Vanilla

By Danniel D.D. Oickle

It seems I have talked about so much sex that it’s no wonder I always have it on the brain. I spend time wondering about the sex lives of those I meet, hoping to find something original or even a little bizarre to write about. Well, I recently bumped into a guy I knew in high school named Patrick. We used to laugh about him and call him Pat. You know like the Saturday Night Live skit about the person they couldn’t figure out if it was a girl or boy? Well, he was very similar, except, we knew he was a guy. We used to think he would never get laid. You know those “Most likely to….” votes you made in high school? I was “Most likely to be on Broadway,” my friend JEM was “Most likely to manage a hostile takeover,” and my friend Sarah was “Most likely to get knocked up at grad.” Well Pat was voted “Most Likely to Die a Virgin.” Of all of us, Sarah seems to be the only one who didn’t live up to the “Most Likely” vote.

Pat, on the other hand, seems to be living up to his title with no problems. When I bumped into him on Elgin Street, he yelled out a hello and ran over to me. All I could think at first was: “What is this fat woman doing? Then it hit me… It’s PAT! He started to talk with me and I found out about his comic book collection, his action figure collection, and his complete series of Star Trek (including the rare unreleased episodes). Now don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying that liking these things is wrong. Anything in small doses is great, but if it becomes an obsession? Nothing good can come out of a tacky obsession.

Now these things are not the reason he is a virgin. Unlike the new movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” Pat didn’t strike out and give up. He just isn’t interested in sex. He is completely ‘asexual. This is not the “Forever Virgin” syndrome which is when the person is sexual but just never had the right opportunity. An asexual person is one who is completely non-sexual. That is quite different. Now back to Pat. He is a virgin. He is unsexy. He looks like a he-she and makes you wonder. He has little to no interest in sex. They are rare, but usually there are reasons for it. People with Down’s Syndrome often, though not always, are asexual. Other mental illnesses can cause it as well. But sometimes, like in Pat’s case, he is just missing a sex drive.

It is not his looks or his pastimes, his collections or his clothes; it is just a distinct lack of sex drive. I find this fascinating. Since I am a very sexual person, I find it so interesting to come across someone who is the complete opposite. As I was talking to him, I found out he moved out last year and got his own place, and that he is so happy not to have to share the remote with his mother. I then asked him about a girlfriend. He said: “Oh no” with a frown. So I laughed and said: “Oh sorry, how about a boyfriend?” He looked at me with big eyes: “Um no… I live there by myself. No roommates.” I almost choked. Here I am asking about boyfriends and girlfriends and he thinks I mean roommates. And he was in my sex-ed class. I figured he should understand sex, but one should never assume. So I asked him where he works, and he said he is a mail clerk. OK. Boring, but someone has to do it. I then told him about my sex column…oh dear. He goes: “Why would you write about that?”

I said: “Because it’s a topic that affects everyone.” He looked at me and frowned: “Naw…it’s only to make babies.” I think I then choked up my Timmy’s Coffee all over him.

Not everyone is sexual. 99% of the population is, but not everyone. Some people have a low sex drive, or don’t have one at all. I called a doctor friend of mine to ask if there is anything medically wrong with these people, and she said there could be chemical or hormonal imbalances or mental problems caused my illness or abuse. In the end, they could be put on medication to correct the chemical problems and therapy for the mental ones, but that’s only if they want to. Pat, and others like him, though don’t feel like they are missing anything, so they will never go to a doctor to get “fixed.” And in the end, if it isn’t hurting them and they don’t care, is there anything even in need of fixing?

If you have any ideas for a column or any great fucked up stories, please write me at: purpleplace @ hotmail.com.... http://www.tobe.ca/tobe/content.jsp?sid=10681861224920046160746573834&ctid=1000009&cnid=1000764

me too but I'm tired of being a social retard. maybe we are the cure and they are the disease. lol kind of reminds me of the xmen.

I have asperger syndrome and I'm Asexual. Nothing is amiss with me. I think the others are the social retards. They fail to speak clearly of whatever they want to express. They do a strange verbal dance and then you are supposed to figure out their strange puzzle.

Barf

1. Re: Autism and Asexuality Posted by: "eve cheshier" walden418@... walden418 Date: Tue Jan 2, 2007 2:19 pm ((PST))

me too but I'm tired of being a social retard. maybe we are the cure and they are the disease. lol kind of reminds me of the xmen.

Not exactly on topic (although it *is* about a type of asexual relationship...), but as there are a number of animal lovers in this group, and also a number of autistic people, I figured I'd post this here as well as on the autism lists I've sent it to.

I've been putting out feelers searching for a new service dog candidate, since Nakida has demonstrated that she just doesn't have what it takes. (Nakida is not going to get dumped. She'll either stay with me as a pet, or be placed as a pet with someone else who meets my very high standards for placing rescue animals. She just isn't right for a career as a service dog.)

I'm in serious negotiations with the owner and fosterer of one very promising-looking dog, and hope to be able to make a decision within a week as to whether that's the dog I want. (And if he isn't the right dog for me, I've already offered to try to help them find another home for him, because from all indications he's a very incredible dog.) Then today I got an email from a rescue worker in Ohio about a dog in a shelter there who, according to whoever assessed her at the shelter, is very sociable, very trainable, and likely to have strong potential as a therapy or tracking dog.

Since I sometimes get email from people interested in service or companion dogs for themselves or their children, I figured I'd pass along this lead in case anyone (especially anyone in the vicinity of Preble County, Ohio) wants to go check her out. Everything I know about her is what's listed here: http://www.petfinder.com/pet.cgi?action=2&pet=7397322. I have replied to the person who emailed me about her, asking how big the dog is ("large" can cover a pretty broad range of dog sizes!), if she's housetrained, if anyone knows whether or not she's ever had contact with children, and anything else that's known about her.

Seeing as I'm probably going to get other leads on other dogs too, and all dogs that meet the specifications of my query are likely to be pretty terrific dogs, I'm interested in doing what I can to help get homes found for them. So, I am hereby offering certain of my services for free, to help get some good dogs into good homes with good people.

As noted on my web site, I still can't agree to train other people's dogs for them. I can't travel around meeting all the dogs and assessing them. If you're not able to evaluate and train your own dog, you'll need to find a trainer in your area to work with, and have that trainer evaluate the dog's temperament before you make your decision. It's also highly recommended to have a dog thoroughly examined by a veterinarian, so you'll know about any physical concerns and can decide if you're willing to deal with them.

But, as also noted on my web site, I *can* assess *people*, and produce a list of suggested tasks a dog could be trained to do to help that person. That's a professional service that, ordinarily, I would need to travel (at the client's expense) to assess the client in person and observe xyr circumstances, and would charge a professional fee for doing.

But if people are willing to adopt the dog listed above or any other dog that is found in the course of my search for my own dog--and I mean *adopt*, not just "hire," which means you agree to commit to this dog even if it doesn't make it as a service dog--then I am willing to offer free email consulting to help you:

*Learn what is involved in having a dog, if you haven't had one or haven't had adult responsibility for one before;

* Decide if adopting a dog is a good choice for you;

* Decide which dog you want to adopt;

* Discuss your life circumstances with you and help you develop a list of things this dog can do to enhance your life.

This doesn't apply only to choosing and training a formal service dog. Just choosing and training a good companion dog can be very enjoyable and life-enhancing, and is a lot less work than training a service dog! I'm willing to help people do either, if you're willing to offer a good home to a rescue dog.

If anyone is thinking about getting a dog, either as a service dog or a companion, and would like to get leads on any dogs I find in my search, and might then want to take advantage of my consulting offer should you decide to adopt one of them, please contact me off-list.

Jim Sinclair jisincla@... www.jimsinclair.org